My previous gym experience consisted of me moseying through the machine circuit. There, I’d set the weight load to where I was comfortable. I’d complete as many repetitions as I wanted until I grew bored or until it became too difficult. Then I’d move onto the next machine. Occasionally I felt dewy, but rarely broke a sweat.
Sometimes I’d reward myself afterward with my favorite Thrifty’s rocky road ice cream, practically across the street from the YMCA, so it must have been meant to be.
Those were the days, my friend. I thought they’d never end.
But they did.
Matthew Lister shows Doni how to hold a balanced pose. Photo by Brad Garrison.
The thing about working out with a trainer, as I am with Matthew Lister at Align Private Training, is I must do what he suggests as part of my workout, which may or may not be what I had in mind. I’d say about 40 percent of the time Matthew has me doing something as part of my workout that I wouldn’t have suggested.
So far, everything’s been difficult, but manageable. I always feel proud of myself when I push myself beyond where I thought I could go. Go, Doni!
I should have suspected Doni’s Day of Dawning was near when I heard Matthew talk about some new equipment he’d ordered. He seemed especially excited about something he called an air bike. Here’s how the manufacturer describes the bike on its website: Using air resistance, the Assault AirBike scales automatically to how hard you want to work. The harder you pedal, the greater the resistance. It’s simple physics with big benefits.
Matthew said the great thing about an air bike is people of all fitness levels can use it. But he also admitted it was a difficult machine; harder than it looked. He smiled when he said that, which should have been my second clue.
Air bike. Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it?
The Bike of Death arrived. Actually, there are two of them, as if one wasn’t enough.
This is an air bike. It will kill you.
It has pedals, like a bike. The handles move back and forth, kind of like that cute stationary bike my mom had in the ’60s. Oh, and see that front wheel? Matthew said that when you pedal, you can actually generate a little breeze. Sounds lovely.
This thing is anything but lovely. It’s an ass-kicking piece of equipment that I’ve grown to hate and dread. If you think I’m exaggerating, I did a little research on it after the first time I worked on it for just a few minutes, getting up to where Matthew told me to go, to “just” 10 calories on the display. Before I tried it, that seemed laughable.
Ten calories? Seriously? What is that; something like three chocolate chips?
I should not have mentally mocked Satan’s bicycle because a few seconds into the peddling I was shocked at how much trouble I was having with it. The harder I worked, the harder I worked, and the harder I worked, which I know makes no sense.
The first day I “did 10” calories and thought I’d never make it. A few days later Matthew had me push it to 10, then 20, then 30, all the while with “breaks” in between doing other workouts that I seriously can’t even remember. All I know is I had to keep coming back to that damn air bike.
I didn’t feel the effects so much in my arms or legs, but my lungs, and just the overall physical impossibleness of it. It was the same kind of energy you’d expend if you were trudging mile after mile after mile after mile after mile. Uphill. In a hurricane/blizzard. Carrying a 100-pound sack of rocks. In each arm. Through quicksand. For eternity.
It was absolutely the most strenuous physical thing I’ve ever done. Until Tuesday, when Matthew had me “do 100″ calories on the air bike. I kept telling him he’d mistaken me for someone else; someone who could do 100 calories on that torture device, someone like a 19-year-old triathlete. Hello? Remember me? I was the one who’d barely survived 30.
He was sure I could do it. And since Matthew never frames his workout directions like a question, there was simply no way out of it. It took me a grueling 20 minutes to get there. Every calorie was an ordeal to achieve. As I struggled to serve my time on the air bike, I tried to distract myself by trying to recall the last time I’d felt this physically wiped out. It finally came to me: Thirty seven years ago during my 28-hour labor with my first child … labor that ended with an emergency C-section, which I approved with my signature – a scrawled “x” because I was so weak I literally lacked the strength to write my name.
At least with labor, I got the prize of a baby. With this workout, I just got frustrated and exhausted. But Matthew assured me it was good for me. He knew I could do it! High five!
If he says so.
I felt somewhat vindicated to go online later and read comments by customers who’d purchased an air bike, like a guy who’d bought the same one that’s used at Align, the Assault Air Bike, a name that pretty much says everything we need to know about it:
… Things that might kill you: 3) gas station sushi; 2) swimming with sharks; 1) letting your buddy pack your parachute. Things that will kill you: 3) swimming with Great Whites; 2) Australia; 1) 60 seconds all out on this bike. Buy it. Buy better life insurance. Get to work.
Another customer called it, “… a hellish piece of equipment that is built to make people fitter, faster and stronger while taking a beating in the process.”
Apart from the air bike, my workouts at Align are going well. I have come to embrace the rowing machine, and even the new ropes, mainly because they’re not an air bike.
Doni would rather work on a rowing machine for 24 hours than an air bike for 20 minutes.
And I actually don’t mind the weights so much. Why? Because they’re not an air bike.
All that aside, I’m more at ease working out. It’s actually part of my routine now. And I’ve met lots of nice people.
Tina’s smiling because she just finished her workout. Matthew is smiling because he knows that one day Tina will work out on the air bike.
My diet is going well, too. I’m best friends with lettuce, which I use for salads or to wrap turkey or as beds for tuna. I’ve almost forgotten the taste of Thrifty’s rocky road ice cream, or pizza, or bread, or so many things.
I hardly believe this myself, but my sugar/carb cravings have vanished, to the point where I can even cook forbidden foods for others, without eating what I’ve prepared.
All this hard work continues to pay off. Yesterday was my weigh/measure/data day. Here are my results, from Matthew, who said I “killed it” and couldn’t have done better.
I’ve lost 15 pounds, for a monthly average of a loss of 7.5 pounds per month. I’ve lost 15.5 inches overall. I am most pleased about the 3 inches missing from my bra line, 3 inches from my hips and 4 inches from my waist. My clothes are showing the loss, big time.
Matthew says my upper body strength has increased 300 percent since I began in December, and my hip strength and stability have increased 400 percent. Remember my posture, that I thought was already fine? My forward shoulder posture has been corrected by 90 percent.
In a couple of weeks the super-talented Brad Garrison will take his second set of photos of my progress/process so you can see the changes yourself.
In the meantime, Matthew says I’m amazing.
And I have to say, I’m amazing myself. I hope you’re feeling amazing, too.
Now, I’m dying to know: What’s your most dreaded piece of equipment or exercise?
