Blinded by Desire

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blinded by desire

I’ve been consumed by desire lately… rather, I’ve been consumed by the notion of desire and how frequently it doesn’t really mean anything.

I’ve finally begun to grasp how desire is more often synonymous with objectification than with making even the most basic assessment of another person, particularly someone new.

It floods our senses and leaves stars in our eyes, but that rush of desire can just as easily be a smokescreen, blocking our ability to see or be seen. It leaves us trying to connect with vague outlines of one another, and rendering us less-than-whole people, attracted to less-than-whole people.

Even though all sorts of fulfilling relationships may have been born of vague outlines, it doesn’t mean it’s the winning approach. It might be thrilling, sure, but it’s not exactly the most reliable tool in finding the right mate or even just the right date. And it diminishes your power as well, because you’re approaching it from a sense of lack and external validation – “I really need that thing because I don’t have that thing and that thing will make me so much happier.”

But that “thing” rarely does make you happier. Because happiness comes from knowing that you already have everything you need, inside, and when you radiate that sense of confidence and wholeness, then people and opportunities are naturally drawn to you. You don’t need to employ hungry lack-filled desire to catch them.

Lately I’ve been taking a stab at approaching desire a bit differently. When I see a swoon-worthy guy on the street I may let myself enjoy the rush, but I also try to take a deep breath and remind myself of two things: 1) “this feeling doesn’t mean anything.” 2) “it’s limiting my ability to see and be seen.”

As I play around with it, I’ve begun to notice that some of my objects of desire are way hotter when they’re hidden behind a smokescreen, while others have interesting qualities that I might have missed if I was only ogling their outlines.

Even more importantly, I can feel myself generating a new level of confidence and wholeness, from the inside out.

Self-love wins. Wholeness wins. Every time.

Go get your life y’all!!


John Kalinowski
John Kalinowski is a Redding native based in New York. He’s an NYU-Certified Life Coach, Mindfulness Expert, Columnist, Speaker, Entrepreneur, Traveler, Art-Lover, and Truth-Teller. You can connect with him on FacebookTwitterGoogle+, or visit his website at
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5 Responses

  1. A. Jacoby A. Jacoby says:

    Good points all. That hormonal haze certainly does cloud ‘reality’. And that kind of desire isn’t limited to people . . . . ever go car-shopping with a teen ager?

  2. So wise, and such insight, as always, John.  What a good message to mull over this Saturday morning.

    For me, I remember when it dawned upon me that everything I thought I believed about the man of my desire was in my head. When I got quiet, and stopped projecting, I finally saw him as he really was, not as I imagined. It wasn’t his fault that I imposed qualities on him that weren’t his.

    Thank you, John, and may you find your heart’s desire.

  3. Avatar Joanne Lobeski-Snyder says:

    I love this article.  Thank you so much.  I have to confess that I’ve enjoyed that chemical rush of desire on occasion with no intent to pursue a relationship with the object of my amorance.   It just feels so good, but is not a good basis for a sound and healthy relationship.  What ever you do, get together with someone you like.  That haze of desire is limited.  Liking  and caring for and respecting someone lasts a long time.

  4. Frank Treadway Frank Treadway says:

    When I think the end is near, as far as connecting intimately with someone else, I get in my car, or walk, and get to the nearest Safeway (or your fav marketplace) and push that cart around all the aisles, especially the spice & cake mix aisle, and all it takes is one little ‘accidental’ bump into another cart and the… Oops ! Sorry ! the conversation and eye-eye contact begins, try it, it works every time.

  5. Avatar Denise O says:

    errr….John, if I may point out that what you speak of is more about lust, which is more a subsidiary of desire. Desire is much more deep. Desire is an indicator of our highest good; we desire the intimacy of another person truly. Lust is somewhat more careless and in the moment.


    Your subject matter is thought provoking.  Funny how much it stayed on my mind. As a single person after 37 years of marriage, I am running into this desire thing. After a few years of attempting to date, I have been stricken by this desire/lust thing to be sure. And have been quickly reminded on the old “act in haste repent in leisure” rule.  So appreciative to lead with my civility first.  Some of these guys who were object du jour lust are SO off the list upon closer examination.