Q: Welcome, Alexis, and thank you for taking time to talk with me about your newly published book, “At the Altar in Your Underwear – 40 Secrets to an Amazing Wedding and a Better You!”
A couple of full disclosures. First, you and I are friends. Second, one of my comments about your book happens to be on the back of your book’s cover, which I shall quote here: “This mighty little book returns sanity, joy and common sense to your wedding day.”
Q: OK, that’s a perfect segue. What was your goal in writing this book?
A: Having courage was one of the battles I experienced in writing this book. Like people planning a wedding, it is about having the courage and speaking their heart. My most sincere hope is that others will remember what really matters as they start their lives together; beginning with one of the most significant celebrations in their lives. A wedding can be the start of something wildly beautiful!
Q: Now, you have a bit of experience in this area of wedding-planning, right?
A: Back in 1990, I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, I started a little home business out of my garage designing flowers for weddings. I literally would go to peoples’ houses, sit at their kitchen table and hope they would let me do their wedding. I started by designing florals, and eventually grew into tables, linens, lighting, invitations, styling and sometimes planning the entire event. Ultimately my little company grew into one of Northern California’s premier wedding and event companies; completing more events than any other designer in the country; estimated to be over 3,000 events. I have worked for many celebrities and their families. My designs have been provided for well-known political figures, British royalty, and television sets. My work has been featured on CBS’s Evening Magazine, Extreme Make Over-Home Edition, and has been published in Modern Bride magazine.
Q: Wow. Impressive. Are you ever tempted to get back into the wedding-planning business?
A: Yes and no. Yes because I love people and partying! No, because I am not sure I want to make difficult sacrifices, like the intense stress level it requires and being away from my family right now.
Q: I can understand that. Now, about the book. Something I appreciated it is how you took the bratty Bridezilla and basically said that’s not OK anymore. Your book brings the wedding focus back to the couple, and away from the artificial, high-pressured extravaganzas that start a couple’s married life deeply in debt. Can you give some examples of the kinds of wedding scenarios that prompted you to write this book?
A: It is pretty amazing what happens when you ask someone, “Who should get a corsage or boutonniere?” Often, I would hear about family scandals and other heart-breaking stories. They would ask me if they should get them “an ugly” flower because of something that happened in the past. Or, a bride that would secretly call and insist that we write a separate order, for an additional blanket of rose petals, that her groom was against due to the cost, and tell me she was going to lie to him because she could not live without rose petals. my heart would drop into my stomach. I felt like I was lying.
But probably the most memorable moment was when a bride, her mother and I were together in my studio reviewing the final details, and out of nowhere, as we were discussing centerpieces, the bride turned to her mother and said “I hate you. I hate everything about you. I want to be nothing like you.” It was these moments that made me want to physically throw up. And it was in these moments that caused me to lie awake at night trying to figure out how to honor people’s hearts.
Q: Speaking of honoring hearts, what if a couple has virtually zero money for a wedding, but they still want — you know — a nice wedding. Is it possible?
A: Anything is possible! It takes a major consciousness; a complete understanding of what both people want, lots of communication and ultimately clear intention that everyone involved is on aboard! It is difficult. There are many players involved. Ultimately it is about being completely aligned with what both people want and then coming together. To make that happen people have to stop thinking about, “what is expected.”
But to answer your question, if two people really want to get married, they can do it almost “zero money.” They do not need a big white dress; they can wear whatever they want. They don’t need a fancy location, they can married in nature or a backyard; their family and friends can encircle them and cover them with their love and support. They can do it. It just depends on what is important to them. Words of affirmation, people sharing their talents, making contributions or just telling their story can be more magical than some of the most expensive weddings ever. Hello? look at Miss Kardashian. Where was the honor or intention there? I don’t have judgement for her, but I bet she is taking a much more mindful approach to life now.
I am not saying that a really fancy celebration cannot be full of love and honor. It’s about creating what is right for each couple.
Q: What are some of the most common mistakes a couple makes when planning a wedding?
A: Well, people would expect me to tell them things like, “It’s critical to have a white dress and mismatched ivory linens or the proper number of bridesmaids in relationship to the guest list” … I am sorry … that’s just not the truth. But here are just a few mistakes.
First, the biggest mistake is having an entitlement attitude. When you think you are entitled, there is usually fear and ego involved. Fear very often can lead to doing things that are not who we really are. Sometimes I see that ego makes people go into a tremendous amount of debt or dis someone we care about. I believe an attitude of entitlement from anyone in the wedding party — mothers; aunts; sisters; fathers and grooms – is a huge mistake. Nothing about entitlement or being presumptuous is ever a good thing. When fear or entitlement are involved, things usually end badly.
The second mistake is a lack of gratitude. Gratitude is key during the engagement, planning, the wedding and after the wedding. Be thankful for every little thing. Be immensely grateful for the sheer fact that you have found love or that you have people around you who love you. In my book, I talk about a couple who had many disadvantages – more than most of us – and had probably one of the most beautiful weddings ever, because of their intense thankfulness and their commitment to live in that space.
OK third, here is one that people can sync their checkbooks to… Never assume that every person that says they are going to attend the wedding is going to show up. There is typically a 10-20% no-show factor for any event. It’s just life. People get sick, something comes up, cars break down, people forget …it happens. Trust me. And until someone plans a wedding they just don’t realize the amount of time, cost and planning that goes into it. They just don’t have a perspective until it’s they had lived it. Don’t hold it against them, just be aware of it so you can modify your final numbers accordingly.
One more big mistake, is something people never think they are doing … but it happens everyday: Don’t worry about what others are going to think. That is it. Figure who you are, have the courage to think more about what you and your love think.
Q: You talk a lot in the book about the difference between the wedding and the marriage. Can you expound a bit for us about that?
A: A wedding is party, a celebration, a start. Its very often ends up to be, not who people really are. A marriage is a lifelong commitment that ideally begins with the end in mind. I suggest that people plan their wedding with knowing who they are and the end in mind.
Q: Did you follow your own advice when you planned your wedding?
A: Totally. I did not struggle with the fact that I was a perceived leader in the wedding business and people were expecting us to do what could have been the latest and the greatest or even what was expected. Maybe I should have. But I didn’t. I could not wait to marry my husband. I was crazy (and still am) about him. Our wedding was a great celebration reflecting all the parts of us. It was perfect for us at the time. I have not one regret about it.
Q: I have to ask. Where did you come up with the idea for the title?
A: The original name was, “Do the napkins really matter?” My publisher hated it. He pushed me to come up with a title that was more, uh, well, let’s say, “sexy.” At the altar in your underwear is my metaphor for being seen, authentic and vulnerable…
Q: Kind of like the process of writing this book, right? Which reminds me, is it true you have a sequel in the works?
A: Yes, “Cooking in Your Underwear: What “he” – I mean “we” – really want”. It’s a cookbook for a beautiful life, because you know we all love to eat!
Q: True enough! OK, just tell us where readers might find the book. And is there anything else you’d like to share?
A: Thanks, again, Doni, for everything! You can order a signed copy at AllyAsbe.com or it is now available on Amazon.com in both the print or Kindle versions. Locally you can pick it up at Enjoy the Store, Cake is the Best Part or Hanna Gallery, all in Redding.
I just would like to say to all, thank you, and I hope that you find yourself in your underwear and loving it!
Independent online journalist Doni Chamberlain founded what’s now known as anewscafe.com in 2007 with her son, Joe Domke of the Czech Republic. Prior to 2007 Chamberlain was an award-winning newspaper opinion columnist, feature and food writer recognized by the Associated Press, the California Newspaper Publishers Association and E.W. Scripps. She lives in Redding, CA.
