Do you really read all the letters people send to you?
I was listening to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town…” It says that you’re making a list, and checking it twice. How come? Do we get a second chance if we just happened to get blamed for something that no one really saw us do?
Dad says I’m getting a stocking full of coal this year, and it’ll be a hot day at the North Pole before I see an electric train under the tree. Please prove Dad wrong on account of Global Warming melting the ice caps. Write soon, before the stores sell out.
I’m quite busy, but I did get your letter. Fortunately for us, it’s always cold at the North Pole. But I can tell you that you won’t get coal this year. I’m reducing my carbon footprint.
I haven’t checked a second time—yet. But I do recall that you’re not on the “good” list so far. You THOUGHT no one was watching, but the Santa Surveillance Cam saw what you did to Mr. Whiskers. It’s not nice to tie raw bacon to a string and feed it to your neighbor’s cat.
Tell your parents, and apologize, and I’ll see what I can do. Clean your slate before the second review.
Merry Christmas and good luck.
Wow. You really are watching all the time. OK. I can tell Mom, but what about Dad? He’ll kill me. My friend Leonard actually tied the bacon on the string, I just pulled it out. In my defense, the cat was still happy to eat it a second time. And does Mom need to know about the paint can falling off the roof? They’ve almost forgotten and blamed it on the repairman anyway.”
What’s the best way to apologize for something when it’s only half your fault?
Apologies usually begin with “I’m sorry,” and work better if you mean it.
Yes, I wondered if you were going to fess up to the splatter-painted sidewalk. You need to level with your folks. In fact, I have your file in front of me, and you’ve got a good bit of Smoothing over to do.
But take heart, Christmas is a time of forgiveness and good will towards men… and energetic boys. Part of growing up, and getting big-kid toys, is doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. parents can be forgiving. Try it.
Let me know how it works out. There’s a big-league-slugger bat in it for you.
Well, I did it. I told Mom. She shouted, cried and pouted. But I’m still alive—barely. I told her about almost everything, except for the home-made blowtorch. Just because I TOLD Leo how to build one, and he DID it, doesn’t make it my fault, right? I figure you can talk to him about that one, OK?
No one’s noticed the scorched cushions on the lawn furniture. Maybe you can bring Mom some new ones?
And Leo’s not speaking to me because Mom told his Dad about the bacon and the other stuff you already know about
PS – Leo thinks I’m making this up just to get him in trouble for a change. He NEVER gets caught.
Dear Ronnie and Leo
Friends don’t let friends burn lawn furniture. You two need to sort this out.
Ronnie, You’re on the right track,, but I think your mother deserves something better than replacement cushions. Don’t you?
Leo, I’m waiting to hear from you. There’s more than just one list, you know, nice, naughty, and the Santa-Parent-Conference. Don’t make me pull my sleigh over…
Only 12 days to Christmas, The elves are calling. Gotta fly.
If this is for real…. It’s just Ronnie’s word against mine, and who you gonna believe? Bacon-boy or me?
OK. So he’s fingered me for some stuff that he put me up to. Big deal. No witnesses, no crime I say.
I’d stay out of this, if I were you. Remember, my Dad’s an attorney.
As the song says… “I know when you’re awake.” And Leo, I know when you’ve been smoking behind the Boy’s gym, Too…. Play with fire, and you’ll get burned.
Just Finished the second list-checking…. Better luck next year.
From The Law Office of B. Burns, Esq
Christopher Kringle, aka Santa Claus
c/o General Delivery, North Pole
RE: Demand letter for damages on behalf of my client Leo
Dear Mr Kringle:
I am directing you to cease-and-desist your slanderous allegations directed at my client, Leo Burns. Leo has experienced extreme emotional distress on account of your unfounded and unsubstantiated accusations.
We are seeking compensation on his behalf.
Also, it appears you’re practicing psychiatry without a license, dispensing advice and peppermint, violating privacy laws, as well as transporting imported goods and wild animals without the required permits.
We’re estimating the cost of Leo’s pain and suffering.
We’re open to an initial settlement offer and response from you. If we can expedite this and resolve the matter before Christmas, we could avoid contacting the authorities and complicating your Christmas plans, if you get my drift.
Dear Mr. Burns, Esq.:
Ah, like father, like son….
I see you haven’t changed, Big-“b”. Thanks to your thoughtful note, I’ve triple-checked the list. Here’s santa’s settlement for the bad-burns-boys.
Under the tree, leo, will find a box of nicotine patches and a fire extinguisher.
And for you, Big “B” … Since you still enjoy making a stink… check your yard for payment-in-full. a father-son gift of new hand tools and three tons of Organic reindeer droppings.
Robb has enjoyed writing and performing since he was a child, and many of his earliest performances earned him a special recognition-reserved seating in the principal’s office at Highland Elementary. Since then, in addition to his weekly column on A News Cafe – “Or So it Seems™” – Robb has written news and features for The Bakersfield Californian, appeared on stage as an opening stand-up act in Reno, and his writing has been published in the Funny Times. His short stories have won honorable mention national competition. His screenplay, “One Little Indian,” Was a top-ten finalist in the Writer’s Digest competition. Robb presently lives, writes and teaches in Shasta County.