Or So it Seems … Letters to Santa

Dear Santa:

Do you really read all the letters people send to you?

I was listening to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town…” It says that you’re making a list, and checking it twice. How come? Do we get a second chance if we just happened to get blamed for something that no one really saw us do?

Dad says I’m getting a stocking full of coal this year, and it’ll be a hot day at the North Pole before I see an electric train under the tree. Please prove Dad wrong on account of Global Warming melting the ice caps. Write soon, before the stores sell out.

Ronnie

 

Dear Ronnie:

I’m quite busy, but I did get your letter. Fortunately for us, it’s always cold at the North Pole. But I can tell you that you won’t get coal this year. I’m reducing my carbon footprint.

I haven’t checked  a second time—yet. But I do recall that you’re not on the “good” list so far. You THOUGHT no one was watching, but the Santa Surveillance Cam saw what you did to Mr. Whiskers. It’s not nice to tie raw bacon to a string and feed it to your neighbor’s cat.

Tell your parents, and apologize, and I’ll see what I can do. Clean your slate before the second review.

Merry Christmas and good luck.

Santa

 

Dear Santa:

Wow. You really are watching all the time. OK. I can tell Mom, but what about Dad? He’ll kill me. My friend Leonard actually tied the bacon on the string, I just pulled it out. In my defense, the cat was still happy to eat it a second time. And does Mom need to know about the paint can falling off the roof? They’ve almost forgotten and blamed it on the repairman anyway.”

What’s the best way to apologize for something when it’s only half your fault?

Ronnie

 

Dear Ronnie:

Apologies usually begin with “I’m sorry,” and work better if you mean it.

Yes, I wondered if you were going to fess up to the splatter-painted sidewalk. You need to level with your folks. In fact, I have your file in front of me, and you’ve got a good bit of Smoothing over to do.

But take heart, Christmas is a time of forgiveness and good will towards men… and energetic boys.  Part of growing up, and getting big-kid toys, is doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. parents can be forgiving. Try it.

Let me know how it works out.  There’s  a big-league-slugger bat in it for you.

Santa

 

Dear Santa:

Well, I did it. I told Mom. She shouted, cried and pouted. But I’m still alive—barely. I told her about almost everything, except for the home-made blowtorch. Just because I TOLD Leo how to build one, and he DID it, doesn’t make it my fault, right? I figure you can talk to him about that one, OK?

No one’s noticed the scorched cushions on the lawn furniture. Maybe you can bring Mom some new ones?

And Leo’s not speaking to me because Mom told his Dad about the bacon and the other stuff you already know about

Ronnie

PS – Leo thinks I’m making this up just to get him in trouble for a change. He NEVER gets caught.

 

Dear Ronnie and Leo

Friends don’t let friends burn lawn furniture. You two need to sort this out.

Ronnie, You’re on the right track,, but I think your mother deserves something better than replacement cushions. Don’t you?

Leo, I’m waiting to hear from you. There’s more than just one list, you know, nice, naughty, and the Santa-Parent-Conference. Don’t make me pull my sleigh over…

Only 12 days to Christmas, The elves are calling. Gotta fly.

Santa

 

Hey Santa:

If this is for real…. It’s just Ronnie’s word against mine, and who you gonna believe? Bacon-boy or me?

OK. So he’s fingered me for some stuff that he put me up to. Big deal. No witnesses, no crime I say.

I’d stay out of this, if I were you. Remember, my Dad’s an attorney.

Leo

 

Dear Leo:

As the song says… “I know when you’re awake.”  And Leo, I know when you’ve been smoking behind the Boy’s gym, Too…. Play with fire, and you’ll get burned.

Just Finished the second list-checking…. Better luck next year.

Santa

 

From The Law Office of B. Burns, Esq

Christopher Kringle, aka Santa Claus
c/o General Delivery, North Pole
RE: Demand letter for damages on behalf of my client Leo

Dear Mr Kringle:

I am directing you to cease-and-desist your slanderous allegations directed at my client, Leo Burns. Leo has experienced extreme emotional distress on account of your unfounded and unsubstantiated accusations.

We are seeking compensation on his behalf.

Also, it appears  you’re practicing psychiatry without a license, dispensing advice and peppermint, violating  privacy laws, as well as transporting imported goods and  wild animals without the required permits.

We’re estimating the cost of Leo’s pain and suffering.

We’re open to an initial settlement offer and response from you. If we can expedite this and resolve the matter before Christmas, we could avoid contacting the authorities and complicating your Christmas plans, if you get my drift.

Respectfully,

B. Burns

 

Dear Mr. Burns, Esq.:

Ah, like father, like son….

I see you haven’t changed, Big-“b”. Thanks to your thoughtful note, I’ve triple-checked the list. Here’s santa’s settlement for the bad-burns-boys.

Under the tree, leo, will find a box of nicotine patches and a fire extinguisher.

And for you, Big “B” … Since you still enjoy making a stink… check your yard for payment-in-full. a father-son gift of new hand tools and three tons of Organic reindeer droppings.

HOE-HOE-HOE.

Merry Christmas.

Santa

Robb has enjoyed writing and performing since he was a child, and many of his earliest performances earned him a special recognition-reserved seating in the principal’s office at Highland Elementary. Since then, in addition to his weekly column on A News Cafe – “Or So it Seems™” – Robb has written news and features for The Bakersfield Californian, appeared on stage as an opening stand-up act in Reno, and his writing has been published in the Funny Times. His short stories have won honorable mention national competition. His screenplay, “One Little Indian,” Was a top-ten finalist in the Writer’s Digest competition. Robb presently lives, writes and teaches in Shasta County.

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Robb Lightfoot is a humorist, author and educator. He and his wife raised a family of four kids, a dozen or more dogs and a zillion cats. He has enjoyed writing and performing since he was a child, and many of his earliest performances earned him a special recognition-reserved seating in the principal’s office at Highland Elementary. Since then, in addition to teaching at Shasta Community College, and his former column on A News Cafe - "Or So it Seems™" - Robb has written news and features for The Bakersfield Californian, appeared on stage as an opening stand-up act in Reno, and his writing has been published in the "Funny Times". His short stories have won honorable mention in national competitions. His screenplay, “One Little Indian,” Was a top-10 finalist in the Writer’s Digest competition. Robb presently lives and writes in Chico where he manages ThinkingFunny.com. He also hates referring to himself in the third person, and will stop doing so immediately. I can be reached in the following ways: Robb@thinkingfunny.com PO Box 5286 Chico, CA 95928 @_thinking_funny on Twitter
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12 Responses

  1. Jennifer Jewell Jennifer Jewell says:

    a good chuckle this morning. 🙂

  2. don williams don williams says:

    I'm sitting here laughing, well chuckling at least. Great and funny column as always. Reading your columns is a great way to start the day.

  3. Avatar CoachBob says:

    Gonna share a true story with you. It's a good Christmas story.

    My friend of many years, when he lived in Palo Cedro, had a daughter of about 8 or 9 years old. She was beginning to "disbelieve" in the Santa routine by that age. But, in a last ditch effort to prove or dis-prove the "coming down the chimney" thingie, she did the following.

    She wrote a letter to Santa, addressed to the North Pole. She made the following demands: "Santa, when you come down the chimney I'll have a glass of milk on the table and 3 cookies for you on a plate. I want you to 1), drink only half of the milk and 2) eat one cookie and take a bite out of another…leaving the last one intact. Then, and only then, will I believe in you. Thank you!"

    Well, in those days (back then), the postman walked door to door to deliver mail. Their postman, who knew the family for years, took the outgoing mail, noticed the address to the North Pole, saw his wife coming out of the house, and offered her the letter back.

    Mom and dad read the letter and made damn sure half the glass of milk was gone…one cookie gone and another with one bite out of it…and the other remaining intact.

    I'll give you one guess who had total belief in Santa for the next few years!

    Merry Christmas

    CoachBob

  4. Avatar Canda says:

    Soooooooo funny, Rob!

  5. Avatar Melinda Kashuba says:

    Great job! A nice bookend to the story about perfecting whining.

  6. Avatar `AJacoby says:

    I KNOW it stays cold at the North Pole. I've driven down that road between Fairbanks and NorthPole and schlepped over those frost heaves that are ALWAYS present in that road.

    Thanks for my morning chuckle. Mornings always turn into better days for having started with one of your blogs. Maybe you're not Dave Barry . . .. yet . . . but you're working on it!!!

  7. Avatar Lisa says:

    santa – i have always believed in you – and always will. i'm 50 and i have a son who is questioning the whole thing – yes i'm an older mom – my son is 9. i will try for as long as i can to have him believe – even though he in one of the last of his friends beleiving – and is starting to be made fun of cause he does beleive. thats a hard one to fight – but i think he can believe cause i do – and we can keep it as a special thing in our house.

    we will have your cookies ready and carrots for the reindeer as always. fly safely.

  8. Avatar Robb Lightfoot says:

    Good for you… and remind the son-of-Lisa that so long as there is human kindness is this world of ours… there'lll always be a Santa Claus.