My mustache recently had its 30th birthday so I whacked it. The logic for doing so, like the hair, was a little gray and fuzzy. When my upper lip was visible, I immediately remembered why I covered it for so long.
Peering at the shaved upper lip…the man in the mirror is extremely upset. He rants… “You removed hair that wasn’t falling out naturally?…Why?…Didn’t you like it?…I don’t even know you…I can’t talk to you.”
Do women have the same degree of regret when they cut off long hair?
On a different note, two bugs, locked together, fell into my glass of wine…I think he was trying to court her…being unsure how far along they were in the process, I poured a fresh glass.
My dermatologist sent me a vague letter about moving out of state or racing stock cars or something. Although he still treats some of my friends, I think he was sincere about changing professions because he wished me good ——- luck in finding a new doc willing to take the challenge.
The Funnies influence how I dress…my favorite comic strip (Pearls Before Swine) made fun of mature men who wear Khaki shorts, collared shirt tucked in and a belt…a look formerly known as OK by me…now I’m concerned about the fashion comments of imaginary characters not wearing clothes. I need a vacation…maybe Bermuda.
“I don’t have writer’s block because I deal in used words”…I love that phrase… have no idea if that’s an original (by un-credited friend) or an old chestnut but it deserves a little love in either case.
TV dinners, white sidewall tires, man purses, Nehru jackets, ducktails… today is better.
Best solution I’ve heard for insomnia…I often lie awake thinking of stressful things…I’m a world class teeth-clincher and worrier. A friend with the same affliction suggests telling yourself a boring story…says it always works…beautiful in its simplicity and I got a million qualifying stories.
Carefully spread a dollop (I like that word) of low-fat cream cheese on a Thomas skinny bagel …eat slowly and sensibly…cram two glazed donuts down so fast I only catch a quick taste…if there is a lb. god, I hope I’m getting credit for good intentions (small polite burp)…ok this sounds a little familiar… if I’ve used it in a previous column, well… sue me.
I can’t focus this morning so I guess it’ll be one of those days of undulating thought process, unintelligible responses and unintended double entendres… geez… another of the “un…” days.
So my bucket list is pretty much complete…now what?
I hate being waived through without having to show my ID… especially when the age requirement is a freeway speed limit…security was called when I insisted on showing my driver’s license. I was over the limit but that’s not the #*%@_ _ _ point.
I spent $60 on a subtle after shave scent…walked into a room sprayed with “Redwood Forest” deodorizer…my $60 dollars would have been better used as garden fertilizer. Come to think of it, “subtle after shave scent” is in the nose of the beholder…maybe the Redwoods deserved to prevail.
The true longest 10 yards is running from the ocean to the beach chair trying to hold a tone-deaf stomach in. What does “toning” even mean?… laying off burgers and fries for a few days? I’m definitely in a no-tone zone.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.
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