Reflections in a Mirror (While Shaving): Part 26

My mustache recently had its 30th birthday so I whacked it. The logic for doing so, like the hair, was a little gray and fuzzy. When my upper lip was visible, I immediately remembered why I covered it for so long.

Peering at the shaved upper lip…the man in the mirror is extremely upset. He rants… “You removed hair that wasn’t falling out naturally?…Why?…Didn’t you like it?…I don’t even know you…I can’t talk to you.”

Do women have the same degree of regret when they cut off long hair?

On a different note, two bugs, locked together, fell into my glass of wine…I think he was trying to court her…being unsure how far along they were in the process, I poured a fresh glass.

My dermatologist sent me a vague letter about moving out of state or racing stock cars or something. Although he still treats some of my friends, I think he was sincere about changing professions because he wished me good ——- luck in finding a new doc willing to take the challenge.

The Funnies influence how I dress…my favorite comic strip (Pearls Before Swine) made fun of mature men who wear Khaki shorts, collared shirt tucked in and a belt…a look formerly known as OK by me…now I’m concerned about the fashion comments of imaginary characters not wearing clothes. I need a vacation…maybe Bermuda.

“I don’t have writer’s block because I deal in used words”…I love that phrase… have no idea if that’s an original (by un-credited friend) or an old chestnut but it deserves a little love in either case.

TV dinners, white sidewall tires, man purses, Nehru jackets, ducktails… today is better.

Best solution I’ve heard for insomnia…I often lie awake thinking of stressful things…I’m a world class teeth-clincher and worrier. A friend with the same affliction suggests telling yourself a boring story…says it always works…beautiful in its simplicity and I got a million qualifying stories.

Carefully spread a dollop (I like that word) of low-fat cream cheese on a Thomas skinny bagel …eat slowly and sensibly…cram two glazed donuts down so fast I only catch a quick taste…if there is a lb. god, I hope I’m getting credit for good intentions (small polite burp)…ok this sounds a little familiar… if I’ve used it in a previous column, well… sue me.

I can’t focus this morning so I guess it’ll be one of those days of undulating thought process, unintelligible responses and unintended double entendres… geez… another of the “un…” days.

So my bucket list is pretty much complete…now what?

I hate being waived through without having to show my ID… especially when the age requirement is a freeway speed limit…security was called when I insisted on showing my driver’s license. I was over the limit but that’s not the #*%@_ _ _ point.

I spent $60 on a subtle after shave scent…walked into a room sprayed with “Redwood Forest” deodorizer…my $60 dollars would have been better used as garden fertilizer. Come to think of it, “subtle after shave scent” is in the nose of the beholder…maybe the Redwoods deserved to prevail.

The true longest 10 yards is running from the ocean to the beach chair trying to hold a tone-deaf stomach in. What does “toning” even mean?… laying off burgers and fries for a few days? I’m definitely in a no-tone zone.

Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.

Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment.

Doug Mudford
is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008, or doug@ca-lawyer.com.
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20 Responses

  1. Thanks for the Friday morning smiles. And when I rule the world, worrying will burn the same number of calories as jogging.

  2. Avatar Adrienne Jacoby says:

    OMG . . . Erin, that won't even help me. I'm the original "What, me worry" kid of Mad Comics. Doug . . . your "stream of consciousness" writing is O.K., but it's your stream of unconsciousness that really speaks to me.

    Thanks, I needed that chuckle . . . or was it a chortle? . . . especially the bit about your stomach being tone-deaf. Gonna use that one!!

    LOL, but not ROTF. at my age that would hurt.

    AJ

  3. Avatar Doug Mudford says:

    Adrienne… sometimes the line between my consciousness and unconsciousness gets a little blurry so I'm not always sure which is talking.

    Doug

  4. Avatar Canda says:

    I love waking up to your column, Doug! You always put a smile on my face, and give me things to ponder (while shaving my legs-while not in a mirror). You crack me up, and I can't wait to hear what you have planned now that your bucket list is complete!

  5. Thanks for the Friday giggles!

  6. As an added bonus that comes from reading Doug's always-wonderful Reflections, I have a prize to give away; a gift from Ron and Dave at Best Choice Home Improvements: A free pair of tickets for Saturday's 7 p.m. Cascade Christmas performance.

    This will go fast: The first person who says in the comments that they want the tickets can have them. But you must sign your comment with your first and last name so I can leave your tickets at will-call.

    Thank you, Doug, for bringing so much joy to A News Cafe. I love every column.

    Thank you, Ron and Dave, for your generosity.

    Thank you, everyone, for making this site possible.

    • FREE pair of Saturday 7 p.m. Cascade Christmas tickets to the first person who comments here. Leave your first and last name so I can leave your tickets at Cascade's will-call.

      (This time I didn't bury the lead. LOL.)

    • Avatar gamerjohn says:

      Chamberlain, Chamberlain? seriously? Who are you and what happened to that little Tinkerbell Doni?

  7. Avatar Bob Mitchell says:

    I wish it were only my stomach that was tone deaf. As usual, your column brings a smile to this old face.

    Thanks again for a delightful series. Have a great Christmas.

    Bob

  8. Avatar Doug Mudford says:

    Bob… Thanks for your comment. All I'm sure of is that no part of my body has ever been "toned". What a great word that is… it just doesn't fit with any concept I'm familiar with.

    Doug

  9. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Doug… You always make me chuckle in your "while shaving" columns. And Doni I want those tickets. I would love to see the Cascade Christmas show. Merry Christmas to you !

    • Hey, Budd, guess what? Bob can't go that night, so you're the winner! Congrats! I'll drop your tickets off at the Cascade's will-call with your name on them. I'm so happy for you!

      (Thanks, again, to Ron and Dave from Best Choice Home Improvement for the gift.)

    • You won, Budd. I'll have your tickets waiting for at will-call for Saturday night's 7 p.m. performance. 🙂

      • Avatar Budd Hodges says:

        Thank you Doni. I will take advantage of those great tickets to see this preformance. Thanks again love!

  10. Avatar Alan Ernesto Phillip says:

    Thanks Doug! I always enjoy your fun journeys into wonderment and introspection…

    About your question:

    "So my bucket list is pretty much complete…now what?"

    Have you thought about helping others to fulfill their Bucket Lists, Doug? Just imagine the look on many a face seeing a post on this very site of what you look like without a mustache?! I think that was one of the items on my thoroughly untouched B-list… let me see…

    😉

    Best,

    Alan

    • Avatar Doug Mudford says:

      Alan

      I think you've got something here… not necessarily with the photo of my (non) mustache because I'm trying to re-grow it in 24 hours and destroy any images without upper lip hair but… I love the idea of helping others with their bucket lists. That's truly brilliant. I can't wait to get started so is there something I might be able to help you or your family cross off your list?

      Doug

      • Avatar Alan Ernesto Phillip says:

        You are so kind to say that, Doug. Truly.

        There's only one item on my B-list before I can leave my wonderful little family… yet, it's too big a 'one' – I'm afraid – for anyone to help me fulfill for my kids.

        Thank you so much for brightening my days from time to time with your truly great writings!

        When my days are brightened so are the days of my daughters. I am good with that.

        Thank you again for your many reflexions and humbling-funnies!

        With my very best wishes for you and your dear ones,

        Alan

  11. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Doni…Thank you again and thanks to Ron and Dave at Best Choice Home Improvement. The show, A Cascade Christmas can only be described as majical and beautiful. We enjoyed the music and the expert presentation which sets the stage and mood of a beautiful holiday season.

    While walking down Placer we crossed the lighted parade which also added to our Christmas spirit.

    What a great exileration of excitement from all those folks of Redding watching all those lighted floats we felt in the cool night air. You could feel the excitment.

    The show, staring Santa and Mrs. Claus is a very professional and entertaining and shows months of rehersing and perfecting. Hats off to those who worked on this outstanding production.

    I would recomend all to go see it. It will surely lift your holiday spirit. What a great sparkling show..

    • Budd, you've been such a loyal member of the family of anewscafe.com readers. I'm extra happy you and Nancy were able to enjoy the Cascade Christmas' final performance. (Thanks, again, to Ron and Dave from Best Choice Home Improvements, the "Pink House" contractors.)