Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy: Why?

I recently heard about some awful Thanksgiving dinner candy corn and had to rush out and buy some. With the exception of black licorice, I’m not one to shy away from candy so what could go wrong? Luckily the Walgreens on Eureka Way had them in stock, so I snagged a bag. Here is my unfiltered review of each flavor.

Pray for me.

It’s weird that the bag says “Thanksgiving dinner + apple pie and coffee” but the flavors on the upper right corner do not list apple pie nor coffee. The bag also does not provide the phone number for a poison control hotline, which I find encouraging.

Here they are, laid out by color. I can make a reasonable guess at the green and red flavors. I have no idea what each of the other brown colors are and there’s no flavor guide on the bag, so I’m really just guessing at what each might be. I’m also not sure what order to eat them in, it’s kind of a Sophie’s Choice here. And away we go…

I think these might be stuffing? I thought they might be turkey at first but I’m sure they’re stuffing.

Ugh. They taste like carpet fibers and maybe dusty wood shavings from a garage floor. There’s somehow a soapy aftertaste too. I would never in a million years eat a handful of these and think “Oh hey! Stuffing candy!” If real stuffing tasted like this you’d spit it into your napkin and put it in the toilet later. As it is, I suspect it will end up in the toilet soon enough, one way or another.

I hope the other flavors reveal themselves better.

Why I was kind of dreading these. I heard they were the worst tasting of the bunch, which is a bold statement. Here goes…

They taste like fish food flakes, or what I imagine they would taste like . I know that doesn’t make sense but very little here does. There is nothing “green” nor “bean” about them, and there’s a hint of dishwater aftertaste. They don’t even taste like they’re in the vegetable universe. They’re gross but I didn’t immediately spit them out. They just tasted wrong. They taste like self loathing.

Next up…coffee? I think? Let’s try…

Okay, so these aren’t half bad but it’s more of a coffee hint than an actual coffee flavor. Like licking a used coffee filter, or adding water to the sludge at the bottom of the pot and then drinking it through a paper napkin. Like sniffing a burned coffee pot. Like ghost coffee.

I’m hoping these are cranberry because nothing about this neon red color says “thanksgiving dinner” to me. Unappetizing AF.

My first thought on the taste is “Yankee Candle Nantucket Breeze.” It seriously tastes like if you took a bite out of a scented candle from the clearance shelf at Bed Bath & Beyond, the ones at the back of the shelf with dust on them. Sweet in a way only chemicals could produce. They somehow skipped the bitterness of an actual cranberry, and maybe that was a mercy.

I thought these were stuffing flavored at first glance. They’re definitely apple pie.

They actually do sort-of taste like apple pie but the kind you would buy at the store when you forgot to pick up something for the office potluck. Cardboard box, cellophane window, priced to sell, and at the end of the potluck there would only be one piece missing from the platter and you would see it unfinished on a plate across the room with two bites taken out. It’s apple pie but not worth the effort of lifting it to your mouth, or even worth having someone drop it into your mouth for you.

Last…these must be turkey.

Good lord. These are an abomination. They are revolting on a whole new level, which is really saying something here. You can taste the turkey flavor but you can also taste the rage of the chemist who came up with this candy to mass produce and inflict upon the world. The person who invented this hated mankind. It’s like eating the bag the giblets came in but also like eating a photograph of a turkey. Like they’re trying to trick you into thinking of a turkey but instead you’re thinking of every regretful choice you’ve ever made. I cannot begin to imagine what the rejected “turkey flavor” prototypes tasted like. Maybe the people who ate them died or threw themselves down a well.

If you’re interested in trying these horrors for yourself, you’d better hurry and buy a bag because word will get out and people will be scrambling to find out for themselves if they really are that bad. SPOILER ALERT: they are.

Matt Grigsby

Matt Grigsby was born and raised in Redding but has often felt he should have been born in Italy. By day he's a computer analyst toiling for the public good and by night he searches airline websites for great travel deals. His interests include books, movies, prowling thrift shops for treasure and tricking his friends into cooking for him. One day he hopes to complete his quest in finding the best gelato shop in Italy.

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