The Weight is Over: Part 8 – Month 1 of ‘Before’ Photos

It’s been a while since I saw a photo of myself that I liked, because even when I thought I looked “OK” before the photo was snapped, I’d later see the photo and feel shocked and disappointed at how fat I looked. Surely that’s not how I really look, I’d think.

If only the photo had been taken from above (that’s far more flattering than shooting up, below the subject). If only I’d turned my body at a slight angle when the photo was shot (never totally from the side, and not straight on, either). If only I’d not flattened my upper arms against my sides, kind of squishing them and making them look even larger than (I thought) they really were. If only I’d stood next to an even bigger person. If only I’d not worn something so billowy, because in the the photo, it suggested my body filled out all the fabric.

If only all those things, then I would have looked good in that photo.

In the last few years, I’ve detested having my photo taken, unless I had grandkids on my lap, because they covered me completely, except my head and maybe my forearms and hands, which I don’t have a problem showing.

 In fact, it was a photo my son took of me during Thanksgiving that added to my growing body of evidence that I needed to do something about losing weight. I couldn’t believe – once again – how heavy I looked in that photo.

A tipping-point awareness. Photo by Joshua Domke.

It dawned upon me that if all those photos “made” me look fat, maybe it was because I was.  Fat. Just maybe, the photo was an accurate depiction of my body.

I wasn’t  fat-shaming myself. I was finally being honest with myself.

When I started this weight-loss journey in December, I promised to be honest with you, and that meant publishing photos to show my progress. I know how moved I am by before-and-after photos, so I decided one of the most dramatic ways to illustrate my progress was with pictures.

Some people say I am brave to bare my most vulnerable, flawed self to thousands of people in this way. I don’t feel brave. Honestly, sometimes when I realize what I’ve signed on for, I nearly break out in a cold sweat of panic. It’s as if the rational Doni has a word with the reckless Doni: “Wait! You agreed to do WHAT?!”

Reckless or not, I’ve made a commitment. I’m at the point where I feel I have nothing to lose, except the excess weight.

Even so, I’m also doing my level best to put my pride on the back burner; to close my eyes and really not give a squirt whether my photos will be a source of gossip, or even ridicule, because don’t we all know of people who say things like, “Can you believe how much weight she’s gained?”

What if my former love sees the photos? What if the guy I have a crush on sees them? What if the seducer-home-wrecker sees them? On and on like that. Imagined humiliation piled upon imagined humiliation.

I have a favorite two-word mantra to help me through those insecure moments: So what.

With that in mind, today, as promised, I share photos taken by the extremely talented Brad Garrison last week of a work-out session at Align Private Training with Matthew Lister.

Doni works out at Align Private Training with Matthew Lister. Photo by Brad Garrison.

Some background: Brad and I worked together for many years at the same newspaper where he was a photojournalist and I was a reporter and columnist.

The last time Brad photographed me was for my wedding, 19 years ago. It’s fitting he’s the photographer for this series, for which he will take photos once a month during this process.

Brad did a great job capturing the session, and I trust him enough that he’s only one of two people who now knows my weight (Matthew is the other).

Matthew Lister weighs Doni, but covers the display so she can’t see. Photo by Brad Garrison.

Brad photographed me as my hair became drenched with sweat. He photographed me as I huffed and puffed and strained and worked. Brad photographed me as Matthew measured my thighs, hips, waist, bra-line, back and arms. Even I don’t know those numbers, but Brad’s camera does.

A post-workout hug. Exhausted. Once again, with Matthew’s guidance, I did it.

I did as every photojournalist wishes from a subject, and tried to ignore Brad. The workout is difficult enough to complete that it’s easy to barely notice a photographer lurking just a few inches away.

This is a side leg lift, made more difficult with leg weights. Photo by Brad Garrison.

I told Brad that whatever photos he sent me, I would publish. (Thank you, Brad, for not sending the tape-measure photos.)

Then I saw the photos. OH EM GEE. Holy crap. Right out of the gate, there are a few pictures that I would have loved to have omitted from the slideshow.

Lifting weights once isn’t too difficult. It’s when you’re asked to do it again, and again, and again – keep those shoulders down and back – that gets to you. Photo by Brad Garrison.

But I’m showing them all. They’ll be in this column, and I can use them as points of reference throughout this month when I talk about the workouts.

For comparison, we’ve stitched together two photos Matthew took of me on Day 1 of the program, along with two photos of similar angles that Brad took last week. So far, these are my least-favorite photos. I wish I could crop out everything from the waist down. Oh well. They’re part of the documentation, and we’ll add to those every month to show the incredible shrinking Doni, inch by inch, pound by pound.

So far I’ve been on the program one month and 11 days, and yes, I’m counting.

As of Tuesday I’ve lost 10 pounds, and about 10 inches overall. Matthew warns me to not expect this kind of weight-loss trajectory to continue, that it may level off.

I can live with that. I know that eventually, I’ll lose all the weight I want.

In the meantime, I’ve never felt better. I just look forward to the day when the photos look as good as I feel.