Long ago I figured out there were two kinds of clients. One type needs to vent. They have been through a lot and see therapy as a means to dump their angst and anguish. They talk a great deal and prefer I just listen, which is fine with me. They feel better not because of anything I say but in fact because I say nothing. They know I care and can see that I am attentive and tuned into their experience. They feel validated, affirmed, cared for and understood. So few of us get that from our fellow humans, there will always be a need for good therapists able to empathize with people in deep pain.
Eventually venting is not enough of course. Which brings me to the second type of client. These are the askers. They come in to vent and then get answers. Solutions. They come in with specific requests. They have faith that I can help them and more often than not, they are right. But it helps when they know what they want and they are able to clearly articulate their need.
Recently it dawned on me that my clients relate to me the same way that many of us relate to the universe. Sometimes we complain that life has not been fair to us. We keep a list of our troubles and grievances and dwell on them incessantly. Some of us feel sorry for ourselves and want or need someone else to commiserate with our sorrow. We might silently whimper to our God if we are religious and wonder why He allows us to suffer. I spent a few months in that place after a motor-scooter crash a few years ago. I felt betrayed and lived in bitterness for awhile.
There is a better way, however, I’ve discovered through my clients. The clients who make the most progress in the shortest time are those who are brutally honest with themselves and me, are not afraid of failure or of making mistakes, admit their imperfections and are willing to learn, are highly motivated to change, trust that I can help them and most importantly believe they are worthy of being helped.
The reason we make such great progress is that they figure out what they need and ask for it. They start from where they sit and truthfully state the problem. They take responsibility. They are open to learning and using the tools I give them. They know they are in pain, desperately want relief, and are completely open to help. Such clients are a joy to work with because they don’t resist. They surrender. And it is only when we give up control that we can finally get control. We need to be humble. The more we give up our need to be in charge, the more likely we can feel whole.
In the Bible there is a story of a woman in a crowd of people who reaches out to touch the garment of Jesus. In reaching out, she had a specific thought in mind. She not only wanted to be healed, she expected it. She had faith. She believed. And as she touched his clothes, Jesus felt her tap into his energy field and knew immediately that someone had taken a withdrawal from him and he asked who in the crowd had done so. The woman confessed and Jesus was totally cool with it and basically told her not to worry, that he was happy to help and that it was her faith that healed her. All she had to do was ask and believe and reach out and it happened. Jesus was barely involved with the process. He was more like the faucet from which we fill our cup with cool, clean water.
What I am getting at here is that the universe wants us to be whole and there is energy available. All we have to do is ask, believe and reach out. I see it happen every single day. The clients come in to my office and the more in pain they are, the more progress we can make. Desperate people are often surrendered people. They are humbled by their pain. They come in ready for healing and it is their readiness and faith that heals them, not me. In fact, I am often as surprised as them at what transpires. Once we get out of our own way, it is amazing what positive change is possible.
Doug Craig graduated from college in Ohio with a journalism degree and got married during the Carter administration. He graduated from graduate school with a doctorate in Psychology, got divorced, moved to Redding, re-married and started his private practice during the Reagan administration. He had his kids during the first Bush administration. Since then he has done nothing noteworthy besides write a little poetry, survive a motorcycle crash, buy and sell an electric car, raise his kids, manage to stay married and maintain his practice for almost 25 years. He believes in magic and is a Sacramento Kings fan.
