• I must be a memorable guy … I’ve been going to the same restaurant in San Francisco for over 30 years …usually the same waiter … The last time I was in he said, “you look familiar, been in before?”… Nope, first time … that big-tipping, back flippin’, clap you on the shoulder kinda guy was only a figment of your imagination …
• I’ve been described as “an acquired taste”… Ok, that doesn’t sound like a compliment.
• If the politicians put all the money spent attacking each other into job creation, that problem would be solved.
• It would work like this … at the start of the campaign, Meg would deposit $145 million with a local construction firm to upgrade schools and she would get a t-shirt emblazoned with “Jerry is Full of Camel Dung.” Jerry would do the same but his t-shirt would say “Meg is Full of Camel Dung”… construction workers hired … next problem.
• Roll out of bed … annoying sounds … turn neck sideways … annoying sounds … spicy foods … annoying sounds … there’s an annoying pattern here somewhere.
• I don’t remember a time when people have been so critical and dismissive of anyone with an opposing view … if I’m guilty, I apologize and ask for a mulligan.
• Speaking of stew, how does anyone ever learn English, when you can eat stew, be stewed, be in a stew or stew about …
• Speaking of broccoli, what’s the point … you can stew it, broil it or put lipstick on it … it’s still inedible.
• I pulled out of the closet a tie I’ve had for a long, long time … it’s an ordinary, nondescript little beauty that looks terrible with everything I’ve tried to match it with … why can’t I just let it go?
• I have the same issues with a sweater. It was ugly, scratchy and terrible fitting when I bought it … still is …but I just know someday I’ll need it … and I’ll be ready.
• The guy in the mirror is pointing his finger at me … “you couldn’t let well enough alone, you just had to …” my mind wandered … my ears closed … I returned the finger …
• I need to introduce the hair follicles on my head to the ones in my ears and nose … a quiet, catered affair with wine and cheese?… the ears and nose have some hair-growing secrets to pass on … maybe they’ll share if I can get them all relaxed with a little buzz …
• When growing up, I patched the holes in the knees of my jeans with some awful “denim substitute” iron-on patch … now I pay extra for others to wear holes in my jeans.
• I know in the end, I’m going to be walking along a dusty, hot country road with signs everywhere saying “the road to hell is pitted with holes made by others.”
• OK, I’m reaching a little here but I’m pretty sure the guy in the mirror was wagging his finger about potholes or puns or Punjabi … or Porches.
• I don’t know what the above means either but I’m either one profound guy or my meds need balancing … if I’m betting the rent money, I’m taking the meds and giving odds.
• Can someone tell when you’re fibbing? My hints are subtle … I look intently at the ground, cough a lot and little red dots pop up on my forehead, spelling out “He’s lying!”
• My life streaks by … measured by how quickly it’s time to put out the garbage for weekly pick-up … didn’t I just do that yesterday?
• Every Thursday, the cleaning lady turns the showerhead toward the door. Every Friday, it splashes me in the face when I turn it on. Why not remember to turn the nozzle away before I turn it on? … Excuse me, but how else will I know when it’s Friday?
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to email@example.com.
Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.
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