Reflections in a Mirror (While Shaving): Part 22

• I must be a memorable guy … I’ve been going to the same restaurant in San Francisco for over 30 years …usually the same waiter … The last time I was in he said, “you look familiar, been in before?”… Nope, first time … that big-tipping, back flippin’, clap you on the shoulder kinda guy was only a figment of your imagination …

• I’ve been described as “an acquired taste”… Ok, that doesn’t sound like a compliment.

• If the politicians put all the money spent attacking each other into job creation, that problem would be solved.

• It would work like this … at the start of the campaign, Meg would deposit $145 million with a local construction firm to upgrade schools and she would get a t-shirt emblazoned with “Jerry is Full of Camel Dung.” Jerry would do the same but his t-shirt would say “Meg is Full of Camel Dung”… construction workers hired … next problem.

• Roll out of bed … annoying sounds … turn neck sideways … annoying sounds … spicy foods … annoying sounds … there’s an annoying pattern here somewhere.

• I don’t remember a time when people have been so critical and dismissive of anyone with an opposing view … if I’m guilty, I apologize and ask for a mulligan.

• Speaking of stew, how does anyone ever learn English, when you can eat stew, be stewed, be in a stew or stew about …

• Speaking of broccoli, what’s the point … you can stew it, broil it or put lipstick on it … it’s still inedible.

• I pulled out of the closet a tie I’ve had for a long, long time … it’s an ordinary, nondescript little beauty that looks terrible with everything I’ve tried to match it with … why can’t I just let it go?

• I have the same issues with a sweater. It was ugly, scratchy and terrible fitting when I bought it … still is …but I just know someday I’ll need it … and I’ll be ready.

• The guy in the mirror is pointing his finger at me … “you couldn’t let well enough alone, you just had to …” my mind wandered … my ears closed … I returned the finger …

• I need to introduce the hair follicles on my head to the ones in my ears and nose … a quiet, catered affair with wine and cheese?… the ears and nose have some hair-growing secrets to pass on … maybe they’ll share if I can get them all relaxed with a little buzz …

• When growing up, I patched the holes in the knees of my jeans with some awful “denim substitute”  iron-on patch … now I pay extra for others to wear holes in my jeans.

• I know in the end, I’m going to be walking along a dusty, hot country road with signs everywhere saying “the road to hell is pitted with holes made by others.”

• OK, I’m reaching a little here but I’m pretty sure the guy in the mirror was wagging his finger about potholes or puns or Punjabi … or Porches.

• I don’t know what the above means either but I’m either one profound guy or my meds need balancing … if I’m betting the rent money, I’m taking the meds and giving odds.

• Can someone tell when you’re fibbing? My hints are subtle … I look intently at the ground, cough a lot and little red dots pop up on my forehead, spelling out “He’s lying!”

• My life streaks by … measured by how quickly it’s time to put out the garbage for weekly pick-up … didn’t I just do that yesterday?

• Every Thursday, the cleaning lady turns the showerhead toward the door. Every Friday, it splashes me in the face when I turn it on. Why not remember to turn the nozzle away before I turn it on? … Excuse me, but how else will I know when it’s Friday?

Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.

Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment.

Doug Mudford
is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008, or doug@ca-lawyer.com.
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15 Responses

  1. Avatar Marty Burrell says:

    Hey Doug – you are a memorable guy. I've only met you through your reflection in the mirror, but my wife and I were having lunch at a local Post Office establishment when I looked up and noticed you eating alone in the corner. I told her I'd like to go over and tell you how much I enjoyed your "reflections" in the mirror but she wisely counselled that you might like to be left alone. However, after realizing the depth of your disappointment at the vague recollection of the waiter in San Francisco, I realize it may have been just the boost your psyche needed that day had I followed through on my inclination. Anyway, – I do enjoy your "reflections". Keep them coming.

  2. Avatar Carla Jackson says:

    I have that same sweater!

  3. Avatar Doug Mudford says:

    Marty

    I can't tell you how good your comment makes me feel. If the situation arises again, I hope you will stop by the table.

    Doug

  4. Avatar Darcie says:

    Hi Doug, thanks again for starting my day with a smile -especially on these over cast days! Oops, sorry, gotta go put the trash out!

  5. Avatar Pat J says:

    Your articles are delightful. You and Femme de Joie are my favorites at A News Cafe.

  6. Avatar Alan Ernesto Phillip says:

    What a great day-brightener, Doug!

    Hey, all you need now is a drummer to tag along to your various restaurant visits.

    "Hey lady, quit making fun of my nose hairs: The last time I saw a mouth like yours it had a hook in it!"

    Badda-boom, splash!

    Thanks, man!!

  7. Avatar Grammy says:

    Do you order the same thing?

  8. Avatar Eleanor T says:

    Hey Doug

    LOVE to see your byline…..always right on the money! As to teaching English as a second language, I tried…………….How about trying to explain "bough, bow, bow, bought, taught, taut, laugh, tough, cough, sough, sow, sow, sew, so, trouble, bubble", etcetera, etcetera, etcetera……

    And don't even get me STARTED on idioms: "a fork in the road" "in a jam" "in a stew" "out on a limb" "up a tree"

    And tenses? Don't even MENTION tenses to me ever again…..

    Aieeee, let me out of this classroom!

    Please keep making us – and the staff. – laugh. We need it (kneed it, knead it)

  9. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Hey Doug, I'd recognize you in a minute. You're the guy that looks like Burt Reynolds. I'd be saying, "Is that man over there Burt Reynolds or is that the attorney on the Barr and Mudford commercials on the tube?"

    I too enjoy your "Reflections in the Mirror" collumns and can identify with extra nose and ear hair. Ha, if only we could transplant it.

    • Avatar Doug Mudford says:

      Budd…

      I always enjoy your comments…I sat beside Burt at an awards ceremony (I was there because a friend paid for it). He was so unimpressed he didn't acknowledge my existence… very humbling…

      • Avatar Aleta says:

        Doug, you don't look like Burt Reynolds any more … in fact, Burt Reynolds doesn't even look like Burt Reynolds any more. You and Sean Connery, however, grow closer in similarity each year (a much better match)!

        By the way, clicking on your picture takes one to an archive that stops with #21 and I've only now (3/21) discovered two more posts that you've made since then!

        • Avatar Doug Mudford says:

          Hi Aleta

          To find any contributor to anewscafe, open "THE TALENT" on the left side of the home page and pick an author. It's current. Thanks for the Sean Connery reference…old, bald, a little pudgy with an ok speaking voice…I'll TAKE it.

          Doug

  10. Avatar Joanne Lobeski Snyde says:

    I love your articles. By the way, if you have a piece of clothing you don't like (the color, the fit, the feel) give it away. If you don't like it now, you won't like it in five years. I too miss the common courtesies that were once part of political discussion. I believe that there are mini-lessons in biased history, economics, and political theory being conducted on TV by some news networks. The problem is that these lessons are fear based, not accurate, and 101 classes.

  11. Avatar Proud Family says:

    Just wanted you to know that if we were family I would be just as proud of you!! The Friday cleaning lady comment had me laughing till I cried…