As You Desire: Beyond Flirting

The butterflies in your belly … racing heart … sweaty palms … I think we agreed after my flirting column that this feeling is really FUN for many of us and dangerous for others. Most of us, as it turns out, really love that feeling; we thrive on that feeling of being alive, vibrant and excited! So what happens when we take it a step further? When we cross the line and become more daring, even seductive? You would think it’s easy to find the energy for crazy, wild-eyed monkey sex when things are new; maybe it is once we cross that line, but right now I’m going to focus on if and how we can maintain this level of energy for each other in the midst of a committed relationship. How do we keep the fire alive after 10 years? 20 years? Or longer? I believe it’s totally doable! In fact, it’s necessary. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Something isn’t working. Have we lost the ability to commit? Or have we shifted our priorities away from each other? If so, what really IS important to us?

SEDUCTION doesn’t have to stop once we become exclusive. We all want to be wooed and seduced no matter how long we partners have known each other! Once we transition past the initial infatuation and grow comfortable and trusting, then our sex can get really exciting! For most women, comfort equals confidence. Feeling free to explore each other’s bodies and minds is such a privilege and a total turn on. We must make this a priority for it to work. A little planning goes a long way to enjoying an outstanding sex life. Sex is supposed to be FUN, remember? It is natural, remember?

Many people stop flirting with their partners once they have made a commitment. They give up on feeling, being and acting sexy (I’m talking to you men, too!). I understand all the traditional reasons we commit (emotional security, finances, family, religion, etc.), yet isn’t the primary one to have a play mate? Being able to enjoy adult play that is safe, uncomplicated, trusting and mind blowing? Oh, yeah! Sign me up! Oh that’s right … I’m already signed up! Truth is, the sexy years go far beyond the early years of a relationship. It can be for the duration. We must remember that the five senses are always in play. We are talking about “sensual pleasures.” A quick review of the 5 senses: sight, smell, sound, touch and taste. Do you serve them all in your relationship?

Here are just a few of my ideas; I’ll share more as time goes on.

Think Sexy and You Are Sexy. Attitude is what matters most. Women think men are looking at every little flaw on our bodies. Wrong! Men respond to us when we feel sexy, confident, energized and interested in being with THEM. It’s about the interchange, not striving for some ideal that doesn’t exist. We need to put down the magazines and pick up a camera. WE are the real deal, ladies. We are the living, breathing, sexy beasts our men want and need. We need to own it! And when we do? Oh My. Can you say fireworks?

Men who are confident (not cocky) and who love and adore their women are HOT! You might be the biggest flirt on the block, but nothing speaks louder to your woman than giving her your full attention!  Look her in the eyes, listen when she talks, smell her, taste her … let her know SHE is the special one who gets THIS from you.

A little extra attention to your appearance speaks volumes about your self respect. There is something very sexy and also flattering about a partner who takes the extra care to look nice, smell good and stay healthy! That is SEXXXY! Please recognize and acknowledge when your partner takes the time to exercise or spruce up; they are doing that for you, too. Show and tell them how much you appreciate their efforts. FYI: Focus on what they ARE doing that is working instead of what they are NOT doing or what ISN’T working!

Set the tone for your time together. Do you take some time to talk and share about your day or jump right into the fray of the evening? Teaching your children that Mom and Dad need a little quiet adult time (10 minutes is a good start) can help set an example of what it takes to have a good healthy love relationship. If you are the first one to arrive home at the end of the day, take that extra care to set the stage for the evening. How do you greet each other? Do you clean up a little or just put on your flannels (which for some can be sexy too)? Do you offer a quick hello or a long lingering hug or kiss? Do you divide and conquer the evening duties? If you split up the chores and responsibilities it will make it a lot easier for both of you to have some energy in reserve for after the kids are sleeping. Have you ever met at home in the middle of the day when the kids are in school? You might try it! It will put the rose back in your cheeks.

Shift your focus. If you are in the habit of turning on the TV and looking away from each other all evening, chances are you are not going to feel very connected or energized. Put on some fun music; sit facing each other, TALK. SHARE. EXPLORE each other’s fantasies! FLIRT! When you were dating you gazed at each other, listened to and felt heard by each other … Don’t stop now!!! This is the Adults’ Play Time.

Do you remember playing dress up? Ladies, I can speak to you here. We don’t need to play the sexy vixen every single night … but a few times a month would certainly keep the spice alive and well. Do you flirt with your lover with your clothing? Show a little extra skin? Play peek-a-boo with your skirt length? Tease with sexy (or absent) panties? Wear that low-cut top you aren’t comfortable wearing in public?  In your home, if it’s just time for the two of you, play it up and get daring! What a great way to add those butterflies back into your life. Does this make you feel a little uncomfortable? Good! If we get too comfortable we can rest assured we are getting bored (and possibly boring)! Spice is tasty! It keeps us interested in each other as sexual beings and lovers. This IS what sets your relationship apart from all others … the intimacy and sexual play.

Who is the sexual initiator in your relationship? Most likely you each wait for the other to initiate the flirting and play. Show this column to your lover. Make a commitment to yourself that you will initiate a few times every week fun, sexy play. Seduction and foreplay can be 24/7. Waiting until the end of the day when you are both tired is not the best approach for the best outcome. Remember, being playful doesn’t always have to result in a climax (sorry guys, but it really doesn’t) as long as you respectfully and tenderly walk that line between teasing to energize and teasing to absolute frustration! Getting too turned on too often without any outlet can lead to shutting down, anger and distrust. Be respectful and careful here, and above all else, please keep talking; learn where those lines are for each other and then tease right up to them. You’ll both go crazy!

Simply said; Put each other first. If you each put your lover at the top of your list you’ll both feel adored, cared for and satisfied. What drives your lover wild? What is he or she craving? What makes your partner feel alive and vibrant? Make sure he or she feels safe enough to explore those needs with you. If your lover trusts you enough to share desires and fantasies with you, hold those tenderly and offer them a safe space in which to explore them. It will only enrich your relationship. And NEVER EVER use them against the other in an argument. You will lose trust and this does not bode well for that sexy, naughty, fun, spicy love life you want.

We have so much more to uncover … I’ll be back in two weeks with another episode of As You Desire! In the meantime I want to hear from you. Questions? Things you’ve tried that worked or didn’t? Here is one story from a reader:

“I’m 56 years old, my husband is 60 and we will celebrate our 39th anniversary on Valentine’s Day. We have always looked for ways to keep the sex fun and exciting … right now we are playing this game called … “Where will she (that’s me) turn up naked!” My husband never knows where I will “turn up!” In the pool, on my rowing machine, sitting at the kitchen island with a glass of wine. It has been a hilarious summer, to say the least!” –ET, Redding

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Keep it fun … Keep it sexy … Keep it going! My hat’s off to you, ET!

Intimately Yours,


Nancy Sutton Pierce RN, Health Educator is the Founding director of Nancy Sutton’s House of Yoga and Radio Talk Show Host on The Conscious Living Show LIVE every Saturday 11a-12noon on KCNR 1460am You can reach Nancy at with your comment or questions.

As You Desire is proudly sponsored by Body Logic MD; helping both men and women restore their libido and vitality through hormone therapy, fitness and nutrition counseling.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment. Views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce
Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce’s eclectic background places her expertise in a league of its own. The compilation of her career as an RN, health educator, intimacy author, radio talk show host, and yoga therapist all fuel her passion as an International speaker and clinical sexologist. Earning her Doctorate degree in human sexuality has broadened her reach around the globe teaching Conscious Living Sexuality™. When not traveling the globe inspiring others, Dr. Nancy enjoys her home life with the love of her life for more than 30 years. They’ve raised three children and now bask in what she refers to as “the dessert of parenting” -- being grandparents. Website. Contact Dr. Nancy
Comment Policy: We welcome your comments, with some caveats: Please keep your comments positive and civilized. If your comment is critical, please make it constructive. If your comment is rude, we will delete it. If you are constantly negative or a general pest, troll, or hater, we will ban you from the site forever. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Comments are disabled on articles older than 90 days. Thank you. Carry on.

14 Responses

  1. Avatar linda bott says:

    hmmmm Where shall I be waiting with my wine glass??? I love your columns Nancy.. I mean really Its about being playful and imaginative! Go GIRL!!

    Your fan!


    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      Thank you so much Linda! The pay off for the effort is tremendous. Keeping our sexy love alive is vital to keeping us interested and interesting. Its working for us 😉
      Your Fan too!

  2. Avatar Caty Cundy says:

    You are right on target. Nice article. So…do you think I could get you and Patty Bay to come on "Psychtalk" and have this conversation?

  3. Avatar R.A. says:

    Great column Nancy. Thank God for flexible schedules and being self-employed. My wife and I spend quality time together when the kids are in school. Oh wait…they're in class right now…gotta go! 😉

  4. Avatar Awakened Goddess says:


    Have you read or taken any workshops by David Deida…your great column reminds me of his writings/workshops too…

    Love it, love it…


    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      Hello Goddess,
      No I have not… I have not been reading anything from anyone other than when I need facts and figures. I want this to be authentic from me. Its good to know I am getting the universal info download though 😉
      My column is really about keeping life spicy right? THAT I can speak to easily. I'm so happy you are reading…. It's going to get spicier!
      With affection,

  5. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Excellent topic and column Nancy !

    When the love light fades, it's time to get inventive ! So many marriages fade and fail for lack of trying new and exciting methods which often lead to affairs and divorce and You Must Remember this, A Kiss Is Just A Kiss, A sigh Is Just Sigh, The World Will Always Welcome Lovers, As Time Goes By.

    Excuse me, I've gotta go lie on the couch !

  6. Avatar Marlk Pierce says:

    How did I get so lucky. Happy Birthday. Your husband. Mark

    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      You took a chance and asked me to Marry you! And Wha hooo what a ride its been! Hang on baby cause I'm just getting fired up! 😉
      I love Birthdays!

  7. Avatar JD says:

    My parents have a wonderful relationship, even after being together for more than 16 years! It has inspired me to want my marriage to be a loving and wonderful as theirs.

    On a side note, having small children can really suck the romance right out of a marriage. It takes a constant conscious effort to carve out a little bit of "us" time. Sometimes it feels like you are going through the motions, but afterward the closeness and love is so much stronger.

    I do believe in the saying, if you don't use it you loose it!

    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      You are very fortunate to have wonderful role models for your own marriage. For those others who do not have such inspiration, (aka example), you can use the warning models as a learning for what NOT to mimic.

      My philosophy is that we are all either an example or a warning… in every thing we do. So now you and your husband are beautiful examples of what a great marriage is for your children. They are fortunate to have such conscious parents.
      Stay sexy!

  8. Avatar Denise says:

    Just the other day a couple said they "dress for dinner ' – another simple idea to put some fuel in the fire!

    Instead of sitting across from each other in well worn tee shirts, it's just a nice idea to spruce up and look/smell nice for each other in an everyday setting.

    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      Hi Denise,
      Yes the smallest efforts can make the biggest impacts. Remembering this is YOUR LIFE PARTNER… the most precious person in the world to you, will help you maintain your relationship with all the TLC needed.

      And the best part of "dressing for dinner" is the "undressing for dessert"!

      Thank you for writing in,
      Keep it fresh!