I have a small scar over my left eye. I’m thinking of having it removed. The kind doctor looked at my mature body, jowls, receding hairline, saggy eyelids and said, “Why?” My problem is my doctors are too damned young.
The perfect Saturday afternoon bar… dark, sells ice-cold beer (only), has a small pool table, regulation size shuffleboard and a jukebox full of country-western. Probably best to move on down the road after dark.
January 1, 2010, 7 a.m. … can’t wait to jog my first mile of the New Year. Yes, yes, I can wait… maybe next year. If I could just get a running start on this resolution stuff.
I can’t bowl… never could… once finished last out of 200 (including men, women, children and maybe a goat)… I was presented a trophy showing a bowler dropping a ball on his foot. Anytime I start feeling a little full of myself, I think of that trophy.
Was I the only kid to start a matchbook collection by walking the alleys behind the local bars?
Things I miss from early childhood in Arkansas… cornbread and milk served in a water glass, churned butter, RC Cola and peanut patties, driving to market with my uncle and selling cucumbers from the back of his truck.
I can’t believe I buy things because they have a star or are recommended by someone I don’t know or a magazine I don’t read. What does half a star mean?
There is nothing more desirable than the shirt someone else has just taken off the rack. I didn’t want the shirt until someone else picked it up. Now I have it. No returns. Hey, you wanna buy a nice red/blue/brown shirt with a palm tree on the back?
Henhouse Lesson #1:
Teacher to class… “So, class, how do we protect the hens?”
Little Jonnie… “Oh, oh, pick me. Don’t let the fox in the henhouse!”
Teacher… “OK, class, how do we do that?”
Little Jonnie… “Oh, oh, I know… If the fox’s dad tells the owner his son is going to attack the henhouse, don’t issue the son a visa to visit the henhouse, especially without a passport.”
Teacher… “Jonnie, now you’re just being silly. Who would do that?”
Think about people you’ve met with a truly original speech pattern. Most of us want to talk like everyone else. Unique phrasing, pause and pace is immediately recognizable but I bet you a burger you can’t think of more than four people you’ve met who stand out as original.
Retired people generally seem happy, but would they do it all over again? My fear is that after a week of golf, fishing, planting/pruning, I would drift into a cycle of sleeping until noon and watching TV the rest of the time… hey, wait a minute. I like sleeping and TV.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to email@example.com.