Mistress of the Mix: Here I Sit

I don’t know why people make such a big deal out of this. Honestly, so far, preparing for my colonoscopy has been a breeze.

I’ll admit that I’ve been feeling sort of, well, guilty for the past couple of days because it’s like I’ve had a free pass to eat all the food I usually try to stay away from, and I’m not allowed to touch the stuff I’m always forcing myself to eat copious amounts of. Like lettuce.

For the past couple of days I have been eating nothing but peanut butter and mayo sandwiches on enriched white bread, chicken quesadillas with lots of cheese and avocado, and pasta (with more cheese of course). I started on mashed potatoes with chicken gravy at first. And I’ve been very good. No salad. No vegetables. No fruit. No whole grains or brown rice, no nuts or seeds, and although it pained me greatly, I have abstained from my favorite snack food, popcorn. Instead, I just had a couple of saltines with cheese. This colonoscopy diet is so          uhhhh hang on a moment.

Sorry about that. False alarm.

Back to what I was saying. Oh yeah. This colonoscopy diet is so decadent. Well, was decadent, because as of 10am this morning (right after a sourdough, turkey, avocado & cheese sandwich) I have officially moved on. On to the next phase of colonoscopy prep, which is a handful of laxative pills, followed by my first 8 ounce slug of Miralax and Gatorade an hour later.

Then I began to wait. Tick tock.

Nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing. After about an hour and a half my stomach growled a little. I wasn’t even sure it was my own body. But because I was waiting for the poopocalypse, my first thought was OK, this is it! I’d better take my place at the throne to reign supreme for the rest of the afternoon, but nope. It was just my stomach, wondering what I’d done with all the food I usually  – brb –

Sorry, I just thought I felt something moving down there. That was no stomach growling. That was more like a rumbling from deep in my intestines. Like a lion’s roar. But still, nothing to show for it. So I’m back in my favorite easy chair, got my Netflix going, found a thriller that will hopefully scare the crap right out of me, I’ve got my laptop, and… you know what? Don’t go anywhere, setting the laptop down, I’ll be back in a sec.

Ok, this is kind of like a bad joke. Actually, it’s more like that old saying that somebody always invariably scratches onto the bathroom stall, “Here I sit all brokenhearted….” and you know the rest. That’s basically what I’ve got going on. I guess I expected more to show from all the glasses of Miralax I’ve been tossing back every hour.

You know, like I said originally, I don’t know why everybody kept warning me that it was more important to take the day off work the day BEFORE the colonoscopy. I’ve already put away some lime jello, a cup of chicken broth and an entire liter of Miralax. I’ve been sitting (no, I didn’t leave out the ‘h’) around my house all damned day, waiting for something explosive to happen, and so far, my colon has been all talk and no action! It’s been over four hours since I started pounding laxatives and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Whatever. I don’t know why I took the day off of work, this whole thing has been blown waaaay out of propor

oh. That was quite the rumble. Got my attention. And the dog’s.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah. This whole thing has been blown waaaay out of

Know what? we’ll talk later. I gotta…go. In the meantime, I’m just gonna leave this streaming playlist for ya right here. It’s called Here I Sit.

Valerie Ing
Valerie Ing has been the Northern California Program Coordinator for Jefferson Public Radio in Redding for 14 years and can often be found serving as Mistress of Ceremonies at the Cascade Theatre. For her, ultimate satisfaction comes from a perfect segue. She and her husband are parents to a couple of college students and a pair of West Highland Terriers, and Valerie can’t imagine life without them or music. The Mistress of the Mix wakes up every day with a song in her head, she sings in the shower and at the top of her lungs in the car.
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7 Responses

  1. Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

    It’s been a while; so nice to have you back. Hope your scope went well.

  2. Avatar Bill Vercammen says:

    Last time I went in for a colonoscopy, I was relieved to be offered an option. We, as humans, are always a little more comfortable when we are permitted some measure of choice, right? And, if that choice can maybe save a little dough – all the better, right?

    So…
    After my extended session of fasting, prepping, and pooping, I finally get in to see my doc. I get gowned up, gurneyed up, and gooped up, and I’m rolled into the pre-procedural vestibule, where the attendant can enjoin some small talk to offer a bit of comfort and distraction. This is where I first learned of the latest in money-saving colonoscopic technology:

    “Did you want the deluxe colonoscopy with the tiny digital high resolution low interface maximum comfort internally extendable slow dispersal LED camera on the ultra soft cushioned veneer probe, or did you want the economy-version hamster with a GoPro helmet?”

    I don’t know if it was the awkward circumstance, the dim lighting or the brain fuzz from the fentanyl, but when I looked up to answer… I found myself looking into the smiling baby blues of none other than the urban legend himself, Richard Gere!!

    You’re right, the whole thing was a simple minor reaction to the fentanyl.
    No worries, I’m fully recovered now…

    Anyone that can find a bit of humor in a colonoscopy procedure is A-OK with me, Valerie..!!
    Good job!!

  3. Avatar Joanne Snyder says:

    Wonderful story Valerie. I so love your discription of your intestinal sound effects…
    I was quite nervous when I had this preventive procedure done and had heard many horror stories. This was the first time I had ever been sedated, but was amazed at how short lived the drugs were and quickly they left my system. It did take a few months to bring my natural flora colonies back from the brink. I like Bill’s story too! Thank you Valerie.

  4. VaL, welcome back! We’ve missed you so much!

    Thank you for his hilarious, tactful account of your colonoscopy. Nobody tells a story like you do!

    The big question: Was everything OK with the results? No more colonoscopies for a while?

    Take care, Val. xod

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