In the last few columns, I have been discussing concepts of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as presented by Russ Harris in his book, The Reality Slap. ACT is a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy that helps us develop psychological flexibility.
ACT is not about thinking positively. Our goal with mindfulness is not to suppress negative thoughts. Why? Because these do not work. We can’t get rid of negative thoughts by forcing our minds to think positively. The negative thoughts bounce right back. When we try to “not think” a thought, we do the opposite. We have to think about the thought in order to identify it as a thought we don’t want to think about. As you read these words, I could instruct you to not think about pink elephants but the more you try to not think about pink elephants, the more your mind must think about what you don’t want to think about.
In previous columns, I talked about seeing how we see; the importance of noticing our thoughts or stepping back from and noting the stories we tell ourselves. Our thoughts and stories separate us from the direct experience of reality in the present moment. But our thoughts are not “problems” and it does not help to think of them that way. Our thoughts are just words coming from the radio in our mind that never shuts off.
As we tune into an actual radio and change the stations, we will find a variety of content. Some programming is interesting or entertaining but some of it is useless, trivial or annoying. We don’t have to look at the content of our radio as good or bad. It does not help us to judge it. Instead, we can evaluate (e-VALUE-ate) the information or music according to its value to us.
It is the same with our thoughts. They aren’t good, bad, right or wrong. Instead, they are helpful or useful or they aren’t either of these things. When we take our thoughts too seriously, we fuse with them. We confuse the words for the reality they represent. In a state of fusion, Harris tells us, we view thoughts as the absolute truth; a command we have to obey or a rule we have to follow; a threat we need to get rid of as soon as possible; something that’s happening right here and now even though it’s about the past or the future; something very important that requires all our attention; or something we won’t let go of, even if it worsens our life.
When we practice defusion, we unhook ourselves from our thoughts. The content of our radio is not about us and neither are our thoughts, strangely enough. Our thoughts are just words and pictures that show up on our inner radio or TV screen. We can step back from them and see them and recognize that they may or may not be true. In a state of defusion, we refuse to see our thoughts as commands, rules or threats. And they are not “real.” They do not exist in the physical world.
When we are fused with a thought, we are inside the car and speeding down the freeway. When we defuse, we are no longer being taken for a ride. We are not in the car. It goes on without us. We can stand by the side of the road or sit on a nearby hill or watch from an overpass. We can see our car-thought fading into the distance as new car-thoughts come into view.
This takes some practice to get good at but if you take a moment now, you can see how this works. Right now there are thoughts “in your head.” You are aware that you are thinking them. And if you wish, you can continue. Or, instead of thinking these thoughts, you can step out of them and see them as thoughts, stories, words, pictures or memories. You can see them and you can “thank” your mind for them. And as you do that, for that thin moment, you are no longer lost inside the thought.
Harris suggests we do this throughout the day. Notice your thoughts. And then notice how you are responding to them. Are you fused with them? If you are, and it doesn’t seem helpful, practice a few defusion strategies.
When we “pause the movie,” we step out of the constant stream of thinking that usually sweeps us along without us noticing. Harris states, “When we pause the movie, we are no longer in the story; we can step back from it and see it for what it is – nothing more than sounds and pictures on a screen (in our minds).”
The next step after noticing is naming. We label it. We capture or contain it in a word or phrase. This helps us defuse even more. Instead of continuing to think about something distressing, we might step out of it and name it “the distressful story.” We can mentally put it in a box and label it with an apt word or phrase that captures its essence.
When we name or label our thoughts, we gain a little distance from them. They are less connected with the things they represent. Instead, they become a package we don’t care to open. Once we notice and name or label the thought, we can step back from it like it’s an unpleasant object. Do we want to hold onto this all day? Or are we willing to set it down? How will it help or hurt to keep thinking that thought?
The more we see the thought as a separate thing, the less it is able to pull us into the quicksand. Instead of a horror movie we can’t stop watching, we might see it for what it is: a threat to our peace of mind or a distraction from what is truly important and meaningful to us.
Many of us have issues with control. We don’t want anything bad to happen to us or anyone we love. We wear our seatbelts. We look before we cross the street. We make sure our children are safe. And we try (and often fail) to control our thoughts and emotions.
Just as we can’t make ourselves think only positive thoughts, we can’t force ourselves to feel good. If we could, we would all be happy all the time.
As Harris states, our moods and feeling states are like the weather. On some days we feel “sunny” and other days, we feel partly cloudy, and sometimes we might feel like a storm is brewing. Do we only pursue what matters when it is sunny? Or do we continue to act on our values, regardless of the weather?
Harris tells us that we have all grown up with two ways of dealing with our emotions. Control or be controlled. What if there was a third way? What if there was an alternative that did not involve losing control of one’s emotions or being severely restrictive and psychologically rigid?
Since we can’t control our difficult emotions, perhaps the key is to develop a new relationship with them. Instead of seeing them as a threat or something we must control, perhaps we might find a more effective way of dealing with them. Instead of controlling or avoiding or suppressing our emotions, what if we could learn to accept, allow and expand around them?
ACT has found that the key reason humans suffer is that they rely on experiential avoidance in dealing with unwanted experiences. The antidote is experiential acceptance or what Harris calls Expansion. He defines this as “making room” for our difficult emotions. It means “opening and creating space for our emotions – letting them come and stay and go in their own good time, as and when they choose, without struggling with them or hiding from them.”
Learning to be more mindful allows us to become more psychologically flexible. Struggles that have frustrated us for years, can shift and change as we alter our manner of relating to them. As we develop more effective methods of coping with our own internal experience, we can make peace with ourselves. Something in each of us is ready for this shift. The life we seek is not far. It is as close to us as our next breath. All that’s needed is our willingness.
