Imma just gonna come right out and say it.
Kanye West is a straight up douche canoe.
Some of you may take offense with my choice of words, comparing one of our country’s lamest excuses for celebrity status to a product that cleans lady parts and a vessel used to navigate calm waters, both useful tools for some. Kanye is certainly a tool, but I haven’t yet found anything that he’s useful for. But I defend my use of this term, partially because a vinegar-laden douche is pretty astringent and may be caustic to your lady parts (beware Kim Kardashian)! And a canoe is not the most stable watercraft for navigating rough water, liable to turn upside down and get everyone all wet.
Plus, a friend of mine from college (whom I respect immensely even if I don’t always agree with him politically) used that term to describe the subject of today’s column when I ranted about Kanye West’s shameful behavior at the Grammy Awards on Facebook a few days ago. And I think the nomiker kind of fits. So to my friend Mike I give the much deserved credit for bestowing Kanye with the nickname he is so deserving of.
So let’s talk about why I feel so strongly about Kanye West’s antics that I’m dedicating what should be a gushy Valentine’s Day column – or at the least a Friday the 13th column – to a rant about a douche canoe.
You know what he did, right? And where it all started? You might be sick to death of all the Kanye news that has popped up on your screen this week, but take a trip back in time with me friends, back to 2009. When a sweet little 19-year old Girl named Taylor Swift won the Best Female Video award at the MTV VMA’s. But when she got up to accept her award, some crazy ass Burro jumped out of nowhere grabbed the mic, and then proceeded to tell the whole world how somebody else deserved that award more than she did. That crazy ass was Kanye West. The person he believed should’ve won the award was Beyoncé She, by the way, went on to win the Best Video Of The Year that night. So it was kind of like Taylor Swift won best actress, and then Beyoncé won best film. If only she’d received her award first, maybe that crazy dude with the swirly Devil’s Haircut wouldn’t have felt so compelled to commit the ultimate awards show sin and steal away Taylor Swift’s moment in the sun.
I shouldn’t even go there, because it doesn’t matter whether you think Taylor Swift or Beyoncé is the better artist. Art is subjective. Just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And the people who were in the position of judging this particular art thought that Taylor Swift had produced art worthy of that award. Kanye, in the words of President Obama, was a Jackass for what he did.
Afterwards, he went on Ellen, and blamed it on alcohol. Then he went on Jay Leno and cried a little bit, admitting that his mother, who had passed away 2 years earlier, would have been pretty disappointed in him. He even went so far as to say “I’m never going to be sitting in an awards show again.” Finally, much too late in my opinion, Kanye called Taylor Swift on the phone and apologized. Kanye disappeared for a little while, then came back, married Kim Kardashian, had a baby with her, and then whattayaknow, ended up sitting at another awards show last week.
It was a different year (2015), a different award (Best Rock Album of the Year), a different ceremony (this time it was the Grammys), and a different winner (Beck). But everything else was deja vu when before anyone could even start to Clap Hands for sweet faced Beck as he got up on stage to accept his award for Morning Phase, when suddenly that same crazy dude sporting a different haircut ran up the stairs and made a grab for the mic.
This is a guy who doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Or else this is a guy who hasn’t been taught his lesson and desperately needs to be schooled. You might be thinking that maybe he should be cut a little slack because after all, he didn’t actually say anything this time. But he did. He spoke volumes. His actions screamed that he had absolutely no respect for the Grammys, for Beck, or for any of the hard working musicians who have dedicated their lives to making incredible music. Well, no respect for anyone except Beyoncé, I guess. And himself. By pretending to try to steal the spotlight away from Beck, he effectively stole the spotlight away from Beck.
But what this Borderline Personality Disorder narcissist didn’t understand is that when he gets up on stage and tries to steal away someone else’s spotlight and shine it on Beyoncé he’s actually humiliating her. And embarrassing himself. And showing incredible disrespect to everyone else in the room. Even his buddy John Legend, who released a statement the next day clarifying that while he disagreed with his good friend Kanye, he had great respect for him, his genius, and his artistry. Which is funny, since Kanye clearly has no respect for anyone (except, again, maybe Beyoncé). I think if I were Kim Kardashian, I might want to have a good long chat with my husband right now about his apparent obsession with another man’s wife.
But wait. He didn’t stop there. He didn’t just get up and pretend to take someone’s moment in the spotlight. Afterwards, when asked about it, he backed up his actions. Said again that Beyoncé was the one who should’ve won, and that if Beck respected real artistry then he should follow Kanye’s advice and give his award to Beyoncé.
Seriously. He said this. Total douche canoe. And then he called the Grammys a joke. And I’m not going to even argue that point, except to say that if the Grammys are such a joke, then why are you even there, sitting in the front freaking row? Obviously this show is Where It’s At, or you wouldn’t be there. Am I right?
If John Legend really cares about his good friend Kanye, what he – and the rest of the music world -needs to do is to stand together, united, and tell Kanye that his actions aren’t cool, aren’t funny, and if he ever does anything like that again, he’ll lose their support and friendship. Since his mother isn’t around to give him the parental scolding he so clearly needs, the music world needs to do it for her. Because Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime.
That’s probably not enough though. Listeners need to stop listening. Consumers need to stop consuming. Buyers need to stop buying. Wave bye bye to Kanye with your pocketbook. That might help.
Maybe it’s the mom in me that feels Kanye West needs to be treated like the undisciplined child he’s behaving like. Hell Yes. This Timebomb needs to be sent to his room. And by that I mean the Grammy machine needs to ban this guy from future events. I won’t say forever, but even five years doesn’t seem enough. Because this Brother didn’t learn his lesson from 7 years ago. So maybe that’s how long he should be banned from any music awards show. Or at the very least, put him in the back row. In the middle of the back row. With a couple of New England Patriots defensive corner backs between him and the aisle. I’m pretty sure that Brandon Browner, who ripped Kanye a new one on Twitter earlier this week, would agree to that. I think it might mean more if Beyoncé publicly told Kanye that she can win her own awards without his mafia strong-arming tactics, and to quit embarrassing himself.
Here’s what I do know: if someone behaves badly, and that behavior goes unchecked, it becomes the new standard. If Kanye isn’t punished for his little awards show outbursts, there’s no reason why he won’t keep doing it. And if Kanye can get away with it, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t invite other Sissyneck‘s to get up and do the same thing, and continue the Cycle.
So here’s my final point. A few nights ago I was sitting in the stands at a tight basketball game between the U-Prep Panthers & the Durham Trojans. When the clock ran out, the game was tied, putting them into overtime. Before they could even get started again, the Trojan’s coach started yelling at the ref (wish I knew why, but it doesn’t matter). The ref called a technical foul on the coach, U-Prep got a couple of free throws and the lead they needed to punch ahead and pounce on the Trojans. Similarly, a few years ago, when Serena Williams berated a line judge during a tennis match, she was punished immediately, and it cost her the chance to compete in the U.S. Open. Obviously the sports world has found ways to penalize athletes when they get out of line.
So how is the music world going to find some swift justice for Kanye West, or is this just a Lost Cause?
Imma let you go now, but let me brighten your day with some really awesome music from a true artist who deserves a moment in the spotlight all by himself. I hope you enjoy today’s all Beck playlist, 15 incredible songs, starting off with Loser. An appropriately named tune for today’s subject matter, even though the song was written back when Kanye West was just 15 years old. I’m sure it wasn’t about him. Because Beck would never pick on a teenager. Unlike the douche canoe.
To enjoy today’s playlist, full of all the bold words above, click play on the box below to stream, or listen to it directly on Grooveshark.
- Beck – Loser
- Beck – Girl
- Beck – Burro
- Beck – Devil’s Haircut
- Beck – Jackass
- Beck – Clap Hands
- Beck – Where It’s At
- Beck – Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime
- Beck – Wave (from last week’s Grammy Award Winning album Morning Phase)
- Beck – Hell Yes
- Beck – Time Bomb
- Beck – Brother
- Beck – Sissyneck
- Beck – Cycle (another cut from Morning Phase)
- Beck – Lost Cause
Valerie Ing-Miller has been the Northern California Program Coordinator for Jefferson Public Radio in Redding for nine years and can often be found serving as Mistress of Ceremonies at the Cascade Theatre. For her, ultimate satisfaction comes from a perfect segue. She’s the mother of a teenage daughter and a 7-year-old West Highland Terrier, and can’t imagine life without them or music. Valerie wakes up with a song in her head, she sings in the shower and at the top of her lungs in the car.
A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment. Views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of anewscafe.com.
