Hi, this is Max Inertia, your host of Better Living Through Minimal Effort. We invite you to stay tuned—it’s easier. Today’s guest is Ms. Bee Fuddled, Director of the League of Perplexed Voters. Bee, the election’s just days away, and we don’t want to hear more debates or wade through a voter’s guide bigger than the LA phone book. What do you suggest?
Max, we all like to seem highly-educated. But who has 27-hours-a-day to watch TV? Fortunately, there’s shortcuts.
Great. What are they?
For simplicity, I’d recommend the “Traditional Approach.”
How does that work?
Seek out your family’s traditions. Since no one’s got time to read all the supermarket tabloids, pick your family’s brains–there’s usually not much to look through.
OK, Bee. The lines are open. Let’s hear what our listeners say.
Plenty, I’ll bet. Granddad always told me how to vote.
We have a caller from Red Bluff. Bob, you’re on Minimal Effort. Got a tip?
Yeah, Max, my Dad had a fool-proven way of decidin’-on them ballot propositions by just lookin’ at the name. If it was a vowel, a consonant or a number divisible by one, he’d vote HELL NO.
Thanks, Bob. Line two is Anita-Lynn from Anderson. What’s your voting tradition?
My mother taught me to use the Teddy-Bear system, Max. You just think about which guy you’d like to see with his cute little head on your pillow. Then, you imagine the lights going down…. Me, I like a furry, gentle-man….
Ah…. Thanks, and back to you, Bee. I hear the League has proposals for electoral reform.
Yes, ideas to shorten elections, cut costs, and increase voter turnout.
The League-sponsored “Presidential Cage Match.” Candidates lose the suit and don the Spandex. Apply grease, and let them get slippery with the current WWF Heavy-weight Champ.
Shortest post-match hospital-stay wins.
Any other ideas, Bee?
There’s the Health Care Faceoff. Contenders are injected with H1N1, stripped of their insurance, and dropped into an inner-city ER. The ones who manage to get treated before the election win.
We have another caller from Redding. Hello, Jimmy. What’s your family tradition?
Max, My Momma used “The Kiss of Death.”
Is that legal?
Sure. Momma drove around town, past homes of people she hated. She’d scribble down the names on those yard-signs. Took that list into the booth… and voted against the lot of ‘em.
Sounds complicated. Callers, we’re looking for ideas that are truly zero-effort. Bee, while we’re waiting…. What else is the League proposing?
There’s the Chinese-Checkers Shopping Spree. Actions speak louder than words, Max. So we give each candidate $500 and turn ‘em loose for 15 minutes in Wal-Mart. Winner’s cart has the most stuff made in the USA that supports education, the military or McDonald’s.
OK, Bee…. Claudette from Mt. Shasta is on the line. What’s your traditional tip?
Well, Grandma believed in the New Deal and Free-Love. She didn’t discriminate on race, religion, or heart rate. She always wrote in “FDR.”
A whole new take on vote the dead. Well, that about wraps it up for now. Bee, before we go, can you share one of your family traditions?
Sure, Max. I have two uncles. Dave’s a businessman; Joe’s a teacher. They call each other up, disagree on everything, and decide they’ll cancel out each other’s vote.
We must be related.
Well, one of them got the bright idea that they’d save time and money by not voting. They made a pact—each election they promise to stay home and “avoid all the hassle.”
That’s the Minimal-Effort motto.
Except….Max…. They still vote.
A Pity. Can I offer a quick suggestion?
You didn’t cover the environment. The League should try this. Take 50 middle-schoolers…. Give each candidate a Swiss Army knife, 10 Happy Meals, and drop them all in the middle of San Diego’s Safari Park. Winner would emerge with the most kids and the fewest monkey-bites.
And educational… Well, time to go…. Thanks callers. Thanks Bee Fuddled. I’m Max Inertia, and remember: If you think something is worth doing…well. Wait. The feeling will pass.
Robb has enjoyed writing and performing since he was a child, and many of his earliest performances earned him a special recognition-reserved seating in the principal’s office at Highland Elementary. Since then, in addition to his weekly column on A News Cafe – “Or So it Seems™” – Robb has written news and features for The Bakersfield Californian, appeared on stage as an opening stand-up act in Reno, and his writing has been published in the Funny Times. His short stories have won honorable mention national competition. His screenplay, “One Little Indian,” Was a top-ten finalist in the Writer’s Digest competition. Robb presently lives, writes and teaches in Shasta County.