Reflections in a Mirror (While Shaving): Part 21

doug-mudford-reflection

• The older I get, the more modest my goals … i.e., I would like to wash my hands without splashing the front of my pants.

• Idle thought while hanging out with idle people: They need to hang out with a better quality person.

• I’m not unobservant … I’m just heavily medicated.

• When I’m not being selfish, I want good stuff for everyone. Form a line right behind me.

• Jobs are harder to get so we have to be more creative and combine … for example:

“Bun and Run”: Personal trainer could also sell hot dogs to jogging client … the more hot dogs sold, the greater the need to jog. Man, this could be permanent employment.

“Oil to Oil”: Lawyer gives legal advice while changing car’s oil … a bit redundant but it’s a living.

“Quiet: Work in Progress”: A mime pretends to wash windows while actually washing windows. OK, now we’re rolling.

• Some thoughts sound so smart until I actually let them breach the perimeter fence … see above.

• Everyone should get to experience Spasm Laughter (SL) … that wonderful feeling when you simply can’t stop laughing.

My first episode of SL was at age 10 while a friend and I were flipping baseball cards into an upturned hat and nearly disabled ourselves over the subject of turkeys … remember, we were 10.

Even though SL reduces you to a snorting, crying and cackling mess, it’s just plain worth it.

• I like people who snort … it diverts attention from me.

• I must not express myself clearly because I’m frequently asked “but is that how you REALLY feel?”  I want to say “I’ll #@%* tell you how I %*@&* feel” but generally I just say “yes.”

• Have a friend who tells me paying taxes is unconstitutional … so he hasn’t paid in 10 years. We’re going to have lunch to talk about it in 5 to 10 years.

• Another friend described his first parachute jump. I asked if he was ever concerned about the chute not opening. He asked me what made me think it was important for it to open … I need to start hanging out with a better quality person.

• Black bean, bacon and cream soup? I mean damn, just lead me to the cardiac ward, but first can I have another bowl?

• I’m watching a small white “sea eagle” inch further out as the ocean waves recede … invariably a big wave drenches the sucker and he squeals and goes running back to shore … waves recede, he starts inching back. There should be a funny line here about ducks, economics and Boy Scouts but my brain has receded.

• Don’t let any man near plaid walking shorts. The plaid sticks to the skin and causes brain damage … after 24 hours exposure, men actually begin to think they look good. After repeated wearing, there are reports men can’t procreate … although I personally think that’s because no woman will go near them.

• I appear to be in a plaid snit today, so no procreatin’.

• Dang … I was hoping to be like Hugh Hefner and father twins … OK, I got that wrong … he dated twins … like I said.

• I cut my upper lip today. That’s almost an impossible maneuver … almost.

Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.

Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.

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Doug Mudford
is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008, or doug@ca-lawyer.com.
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12 Responses

  1. Avatar Adrienne jacoby says:

    I want to know what kind of hybrid background fostered your ability to be both a lawyer AND funny . . . . oh, . . . wait . . . you're in business with Dugan. Not sure if that a cause or effect.

    Thanks for the morning chuckles!!

    • Avatar Doug Mudford says:

      Hi Adrienne…Mix one upbringing in Arkansas, eating Wonder Bread and mayo sandwiches with a gaggle of aunts and uncles who were really bright and funny…toss in the early influence of a kind and supportive attorney (go figure)…dress it with a 19 year association with Dugan. That equals hybrid. Dugan's a pretty darn smart guy…my best defense in arguments with him is humor.

  2. Avatar Barbara Stone says:

    why did this link go directly to my SPAM file? :>)

    • Avatar Doug Mudford says:

      Barbara…I hate to think the spam police know something I don't. I've had several News Cafe posts go to the spam file. Subject matter doesn't appear to matter.

  3. Avatar JD says:

    Pretty darn funny! Who knew a lawyer could be so clever?

  4. Avatar Pat J says:

    You always make me laugh, and sound like a really nice guy. Thanks!!

  5. Avatar Joanne Lobeski-Snyde says:

    Adrienne, when are you going to introduce me to Doug? Meeting this man is one of my life goals. This was one of the best "Reflections" article ever.

  6. Avatar Darcie says:

    Thanks Doug for putting a smile on my face first thing in the morning and making me feel better about my own strange 'reflections' in the shower!

  7. Avatar Doug Mudford says:

    Darcie…If you want to pass along one of your 'reflections', I would be happy to include it in a future "Reflections" and claim it as my own. I offered the same deal to to Carla but haven't heard from her.

    Joanne…after meeting me for the first time, most people just shrug or stare at their toes and check their watch. That's ok, because like Darcie, I have "…my own strange 'reflections' to keep me company.

  8. Avatar Carla Jackson says:

    Doug, I completely forgot we discussed “Ponderings While Picking Up Dog Poop!” Okay, you asked for it… I’ll see what I can dig up. 🙂

  9. Avatar Aleta says:

    The only thing worse than plaid walking shorts on men is plaid walking shorts combined with black socks and wingtips (sure to stifle procreation!). Fortunately, it seems that particular sartorial faux pas is dying out; I haven't seen it recently …

    • Avatar NIKKI says:

      YOU MADE ME SPONTANEOUSLY LAUGH OUT LOUD. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN. THANKS AND I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR POSTS.