• The older I get, the more modest my goals … i.e., I would like to wash my hands without splashing the front of my pants.
• Idle thought while hanging out with idle people: They need to hang out with a better quality person.
• I’m not unobservant … I’m just heavily medicated.
• When I’m not being selfish, I want good stuff for everyone. Form a line right behind me.
• Jobs are harder to get so we have to be more creative and combine … for example:
“Bun and Run”: Personal trainer could also sell hot dogs to jogging client … the more hot dogs sold, the greater the need to jog. Man, this could be permanent employment.
“Oil to Oil”: Lawyer gives legal advice while changing car’s oil … a bit redundant but it’s a living.
“Quiet: Work in Progress”: A mime pretends to wash windows while actually washing windows. OK, now we’re rolling.
• Some thoughts sound so smart until I actually let them breach the perimeter fence … see above.
• Everyone should get to experience Spasm Laughter (SL) … that wonderful feeling when you simply can’t stop laughing.
My first episode of SL was at age 10 while a friend and I were flipping baseball cards into an upturned hat and nearly disabled ourselves over the subject of turkeys … remember, we were 10.
Even though SL reduces you to a snorting, crying and cackling mess, it’s just plain worth it.
• I like people who snort … it diverts attention from me.
• I must not express myself clearly because I’m frequently asked “but is that how you REALLY feel?” I want to say “I’ll #@%* tell you how I %*@&* feel” but generally I just say “yes.”
• Have a friend who tells me paying taxes is unconstitutional … so he hasn’t paid in 10 years. We’re going to have lunch to talk about it in 5 to 10 years.
• Another friend described his first parachute jump. I asked if he was ever concerned about the chute not opening. He asked me what made me think it was important for it to open … I need to start hanging out with a better quality person.
• Black bean, bacon and cream soup? I mean damn, just lead me to the cardiac ward, but first can I have another bowl?
• I’m watching a small white “sea eagle” inch further out as the ocean waves recede … invariably a big wave drenches the sucker and he squeals and goes running back to shore … waves recede, he starts inching back. There should be a funny line here about ducks, economics and Boy Scouts but my brain has receded.
• Don’t let any man near plaid walking shorts. The plaid sticks to the skin and causes brain damage … after 24 hours exposure, men actually begin to think they look good. After repeated wearing, there are reports men can’t procreate … although I personally think that’s because no woman will go near them.
• I appear to be in a plaid snit today, so no procreatin’.
• Dang … I was hoping to be like Hugh Hefner and father twins … OK, I got that wrong … he dated twins … like I said.
• I cut my upper lip today. That’s almost an impossible maneuver … almost.
Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to email@example.com.
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