•I have a friend who retired, likes to watch TV and sing along with the theme songs. Is he a Barcalounge lizard?
•Hey!! Where the %$#@& is Cary Grant?
•I’m so tired of holding my stomach in and positioning my hands to cover my chin(s). My friends all do the same. How about we all throw our hands in the air and exhale at the same time. OK, OK you first.
•If you can’t laugh your way out of it, you probably shouldn’t get out of it.
•I hate reality dreams. I have fake conversations I swear are real. I once stayed mad at a co-worker all day because of a dreamed insult … you don’t think the dreamed insult hit a nerve? Me neither.
•It’s amazing how much could be solved just by saying “I’m sorry”… I’m speaking for others, of course.
•Pretty moms, not so pretty daughters … kind of tough on the kids.
•Love the lady sitting at the table in front of me…on her second martini while her two companions are trying to decide between spritzers or Greyhounds.
•I missed every episode of “Saved By The Bell”… would the world have been a better place if I had just taken the time?
•If I ever become the Ol’ Guy Complainer, send me to a dog food factory.
• In an effort to avoid becoming Alpo, I decided to quit saying “They don’t make music like they used to” and actually go to iTunes and listen to the top 100 songs. Turned out I really liked about ten. Ladies GaGa and Antebellum are fun.
•The opinions expressed here are Doni’s. She forces me to say these things.
•Fill in the following sentence … I think people who are _______ are funny. Give me an example of something PC proof.
•Sophie, the wonder cat just passed her 17th birthday … the vet estimates that to be mid-eighties in human years. Her hopes for the future include a warm place to nap and more tuna water.
•The only problem with wearing a hat is that sooner or later, you have to take it off … wonder if I can tattoo hair?
•I need to return my golf ball that doesn’t go straight, my white shirt that attracts chili and wine, my orchid plant that grabs its throat and threatens suicide whenever I look in its direction and the temperamental fichus tree that went bald as soon as I purchased it.
•My favorite line when leaving the garden shop … the sales person insisting “this plant is guaranteed to live forever”. Really? Or what? Did anyone tell the orchid or the fichus?
•Ladies, if you’re wearing 4″ heels for the guys, I apologize for us all … although they do make the leg look slimmer … I’m headed in the wrong direction with this aren’t I?
•This isn’t my mother’s fault … it’s Lawrence Welk’s … I’m a bad dancer because I start every move with ah one, ah two. For those under 50, there was this guy … ah hell … never mind. You wouldn’t believe me anyway.
•Earlier in life, my securities outnumbered my insecurities, without good reason. It’s now reversed without good reason.
•Delete, save, send … I really need to get those functions straight.
Doug Mudford’s photo illustration by Michael Burke of Redding. Click here to see more Michael Burke photos.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.
