• I once ran a marathon without training. Hell, I don’t know what I was thinking either. When it became obvious I was going to collect yet another trophy for last place, I ducked into the bushes and lit a cigarette.
• I write in short choppy sentences because that’s the way my mind tosses it out. I’ve been warned that it’s coming out that way or not at all … please, no cheap shots here.
• How shallow is this guy? If I see a column with paragraph after paragraph of single spacing my eyes wander to the first word of the third paragraph. If that doesn’t give me the gist of the argument, I move on to the comics.
• I love the term “blah, blah, blah” because it gives me something to hum when my thoughts go awry … like now. I think it goes something like this…
• If you can make me laugh you have a friend for life.
• The baseball player A-Rod blames his steroid experimentation on “youthful indiscretion”. How do I get some of that and what’s the shelf life? Will it mellow into “mature indiscretion”? Does it finally turn into vinegary “old guy screw-ups”? Nah I bet it’s good forever … I want some.
• What would my last meal be? … KFC bucket with mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits and cold slaw. It’s 7 a.m. and I’m thinking of lunching with the Colonel. With the amount of fat in the bucket it would have to be my last.
• Facebook … uncomfortable. I signed up and instantly regretted pushing the send button. I guess I don’t understand what Facebook does that e-mail, texting and voicemail doesn’t. Maybe some users of Facebook can explain in terms I can understand … now there’s a challenge. To those who have asked to be my friend, I’m sorry. My computer froze up or maybe it was my mind.
• Styling … boxers or briefs? Briefs just don’t seem right after the age of 5. Short-sleeved dress shirt is a contradiction in terms. Cowboy boots, yes … New Balance 4E sneakers, no, even though I own three pair.
• Hiccup hot. I just don’t have the patience to try a small taste … of anything.
• Non sequitur … the only way to stop hiccups is taking small repeated sips of wine … or maybe it’s water to get rid of them, and wine to get them. It can become confusing, but with the wine version, I don’t really care if I have them.
• I need to concentrate a little more this morning because I’m trying out the new Bad Boy, 4-blade swivel shaver. Needless to say, there’s potential injury with every stroke.
• Habit I can’t break … lock my car, walk 10 feet and go back to see if it’s locked. I repeat several times.
• The pelican hurtles beak-first toward the bay, bobs to the surface with a fish it gulps down and then shakes its tail. Not a bad way to dine.
• The 50-plus chef/owner — pony-tailed, wearing no shirt and smoking a cigarette — asked which pastry I wanted. I still am disgusted I bought a brownie from him … damn it was good.
• Continued pattern of rejection … Visa hates me and Walmart. My card was rejected twice on consecutive days for “irregular spending patterns” … second time eight officials, one with a gun, milled around my cart of toiletries. I started to leave when a man shouted “Sir!”… I fell to the floor because I was positive Visa had instructed Walmart to kill me. Everything is OK … computer glitch … thank you for shopping at Walmart. Moral: I need to buy toiletries on a more regular basis.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.
