• Tendency. Before anyone has finished criticizing me, I’m already thinking of a way to say it’s not my fault. I really hate that about myself… I blame my mother.
• I’m just smart enough to know what I’m not smart about … like sentence structure. I felt so liberated when I could attach a “free verse” tag to ramblings in college. In an unrelated vein, Pollock the Painter must have laughed with every sale. Let’s see, I can get up, have breakfast, throw three cans of paint on a canvas and be on the golf course by 10 a.m. Hey, I’ve already copped to being shallow but I don’t know why his splatters are anymore “chaotic” than my niece’s.
• Yesterday I nicked the top of my nose … don’t ask … the laughter started at home and reached a crescendo when I walked in the office.
• Sometimes my brain should be introduced to my mouth. My brain shouts at my mouth, “Don’t you dare say what I’m thinking!” I don’t think I can blame this one on my mother.
• My brain will practice what it wants to say over and over but with my mouth seemingly an uninterested observer, why bother?
• What are your 10 favorite books? Stutter, stumble … recitation of something I read in high school. Later, pressure’s off … wait, wait – ask me again, I’m smarter than the list I gave you. I’m deeper. More literate. More interesting. Moment/person gone … sigh. I thought about carrying an emergency-response list I could peek at before setting my mouth in motion.
• Those asking for your favorite movies are sneaky people. They already have their lists memorized. When I blurt out James Bond or the Godfather or Casablanca, the sneaky one will say hmmm … really? The movies they name were inevitably a moving experience for all 40 people who saw them. Consider this fair warning to all you movie sneaks … name your list first.
• I look at the menu and order things I don’t want because I think they’re good for me then go back to work and eat three pieces of See’s candy … nuts and chews. I hope there is a balancing effect somewhere.
• A friend dragged me into the bar at a San Francisco hotel to meet Jon the Bartender, also known as the world’s smartest man. We play Trivia. First question; Name the Four Horsemen, their horses, sire for each horse and favorite foods (slight exaggeration). We obviously fail. Jon scrunches up his face like he’s in pain and recites all the answers … then checks the back of the card to see if he’s correct. Amazingly he is. I suggest to my friend the bartender has read the answers before. I’m not invited back to the bar and don’t hear from the friend very often.
• Try to act casual … impossible. You either is or you ain’t.
• Take any table you want. No. No. Which table? Center? Wall? Window? Help me. I don’t want to choose … I want to whine after I’ve been led to a table … By the way, I’ve only seen one person pick a center table when there were other options. Johnny Weismuller (an old movie Tarzan) chose a table in the middle of the room. Of course he also did the original Tarzan yell at the top of his voice when he entered, so I’m guessing he didn’t mind the attention.
• Friend got into an argument with his wife … she said, “Don’t close your eyes … ever.”
• Unreasonable peeve. Order what you want … just don’t ask to eat from my plate.
• Reasonable peeve. It’s unfair to review restaurants by the entire menu … better to pick the one dish they do the best.
• Question that really bothers me: Who sold the song rights to Viva Las Vegas to Viagra? Say it ain’t so, Priscilla.
• Good Trait #1: I like the aging process.
• Disturbing Habit #58: responding to a question without any outward expression. On the inside, I’m nodding, smiling and saying hi. Outside … no sound or movement. The guy in the mirror stares back silently.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” columns to doug@ca-lawyer.com
