• I have a friend with a nervous laugh… he makes me nervous.
• There’s a neighborhood cat I call Dog because he follows me to the river, fetches a toy mouse I bought him and jumps on my back for an occasional ride. Ashton, a 9-year-old neighbor, and I compete for Dog’s attention (she insists on calling him Cuddles). In a fair fight she could beat me, but I buy sacks of kitty treats. He eats the treats but always goes back to her. Stupid cat.
• My sneakers are smarter than I am… pull the laces at a 68 degree angle to tighten, and push the button and pull to loosen. The young clerk rolled his eyes and kept repeating the instructions. He agreed to sell me the shoes if I promised not to attempt the maneuver by myself. I think I should have been insulted but I’m not sure about what… giving me good advice?
• Near sunset, my favorite bird, a blue heron with a squawk sounding like a hangover and cigarettes was fishing in the shallows, spearing dinner. After dining, he flew toward me before doing a side roll up-river. Thank you.
• People keep suggesting ways I can improve my body, attitude, etc., etc. How do you think I feel? I live here. I’ve talked to the mirror many times, pleading for a better diet and a few more smiles. Every morning it’s new promises… no more pizza or beer or mayonnaise or depressing thoughts. It’s comforting to know promises are endlessly renewable… make ‘em, break ‘em… make’ em, break ‘em.
• Classes I missed: What to do if I see a piece of lettuce in someone’s teeth? I should say something but I’m too embarrassed so I usually do something inane and start talking about lettuce futures. Does lettuce have a future? Other than salads? What lettuce? I didn’t notice.
• A music teacher once told me if I ever sang in public she would hunt me down. When friends tell me I can’t possibly be that bad, I try… they start looking at their toes and checking their watches.
• Does it count if I plagiarize from myself? Sometimes I forget what I had for breakfast so last week’s thoughts or reflections are fair game with each new day. If I repeat myself just stare at your toes and check your watch. I’m used to it.
• This is my third attempt, captured in print, to spell “plagiarize.” When I first checked I didn’t realize I was looking at ways NOT to spell it… I’m beginning to get this nagging feeling about my ability to… fill in the blank(s).
• In my 20s, I played the Decade Game to justify my procrastination. For example, in my 30s I’d mature, maybe know what I wanted to do for a living in my 40s, travel the world in my 50s and so forth. It’s that “so forth” that’s beginning to sting a little.
• Tell me if this formula works: The distance of the significant other is inversely proportional to the closeness of the greeting. If the significant other is standing alongside, the greetings tend to be distant… as in formal handshakes and polite nods. If in the other room, bear hugs abound.
• My thoughts are a little scrambled this morning because I overslept and am trying to make up time by thinking faster… the shaving consequences go unsaid.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” columns to doug@ca-lawyer.com
