• My secretary is good. I wave my arms, talk incoherently, point and sputter and she completes my thought and hands me the correct file.
• I like wine, but when my feet are held to the fire, I have trouble naming my five favorites. In truth, I’ve only met two wines I didn’t like … one cost two bucks, the other $60. Obviously I was expecting nirvana for $60.
• There’s a feeling of dread when it occurs to me the other person isn’t listening, just waiting for my lips to stop moving so he/she can talk. I really would like to tell you more but I’m waiting for your lips to stop moving.
• Secondhand theory … my hands are getting bigger with age. There’s simply no other reason for my clumsiness or loss of agility.
• When I was growing up, spaghetti was fried because it gave it more texture, canned vegetables were re-cooked and refried beans meant they were half done. Meat was well done … period. So when someone mentions home cooking I stare at my toes and look at my watch.
• I tried to properly trim an olive tree … dang.
• Speaking of olive trees, I have a few. It seemed a wonderful idea to make my own olive oil. With labor, processing and bottling, each little 8-oz. bottle is about $1,000. So if you get one for Christmas, please use it or give it to someone who will. I also have a handsome storage bag I can sell you for $1,001.
• Burning question. One close friend says he only uses bad (really bad) wine for his spaghetti sauce. Another says she wouldn’t use anything she wouldn’t drink. My friend who uses the bad wine explained in great scientific detail why it’s OK but I had trouble following the explanation … I was waiting for his lips to stop moving so I could tell him the other theory.
• My mind gets stuck … same song or same thought. It’s OK. It makes it easier to keep track of what I’m thinking.
• I would like to be Elvis just one night … OK, I realize he’s not currently living but we’re pretty much talking hypothetical here.
• Why is it that a combination of tie and jacket can seem so smart when I leave the house and so dumb by the time I walk into the office?
• I never know what to say when asked, “Don’t you remember me?” It’s clear to both of us I don’t … I just don’t know where to go from there. I want to say, “Hey, look at me, I’m the guy who doesn’t remember what I had for breakfast or what I said to the mirror this morning,” but instead I say, “Hey, how are you?”
• Readers are still responding to my question about how to greet friends of the opposite sex (a faux hug seems to be in first place) but not quickly enough. So if it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience, I would appreciate it if everyone would agree to have a tiny voting machine implanted so I could get a convenient truth faster … maybe activated by one cough for yes … etc.
• Some days I think of bad things I’ve done. Other days, someone tells me the bad things I’ve done. How about a generic-customized apology? “I’m sorry for _____________.” You fill in the blanks.
• A friend rates whines like an Olympic event. Holds up her hands, palms out and says 9.3 for example. She’s never given me a 10, but I’m sooo close.
• Keep shaving … you’re almost there.
photo source: shaveblog.com
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” columns to doug@ca-lawyer.com
