Dear J,
My youngest son, Doug, who is just turning 16, is hounding me about getting his license and buying a car because his older brother got one at this age and we helped him.
The problem is that his older brother was a good student, saved the money, worked hard and was very responsible. That is not the case with Doug. He’s a good kid but needs to work on being on time and improving his grades. He’s just not as mature as his brother was. Every time we discuss this it becomes a family fight. What do we do?
Frustrated parents
Dear Frustrated,
Sounds to me as if you need to turn the tables here. Doug needs to be the one doing the convincing. If this were a business deal, what would Doug have to do to get you interested? Every time he brings it up, ask him if he’s got a proposal. Have him write up a simple business plan; what he wants and what he’s willing to do to get it.
Since you are providing approval and some of the funds, you have a large stake in the outcome. Make sure that he addresses the areas of concern to you. Allow him to come up with ideas about how he will demonstrate acceptable levels of academic achievement, time management, funding and accountability. Instead of arguing , ask how his plan addresses these areas of concern. Be sure to make time to sit down with him to go over the details, but make him do the work. Have him set specific benchmarks so you will both know when he has accomplished his goals, for example, coming home on time consistently, earning a portion of the cost of the car, providing for insurance, maintaining a ‘B’ average (to keep insurance costs down). He will know exactly what he needs to do. By the time he carries out his business plan, you will all be more comfortable with his driving, without ever having to compare him to his older brother.
“Dear J” is a north state advice column that offers insight about every aspect of life. We invite readers to weigh in with suggestions, feedback and answers to the questions, below. Send your “Dear J” questions in care of anewscafe@gmail.com. (We will maintain strict confidentiality.)
