Mistress of the Mix: The String Cheese Incident

My favorite quote from the internet this week is, "If she said she threw the cheese, she threw the freakin' cheese!" And I did. Right at a guy who was running for the door of Safeway with a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade in one hand, and a fifth of Jack Daniels in the other. I totally chucked that cheese. And I did it for you, Shasta County. Because I love you.

It was Sunday afternoon, and I was on my way to the Pine Street Safeway to buy a couple pounds of cheese. Cheese is my kryptonite; the one food I am never strong enough to deny. I'm always telling my Jenny Craig counselor that. So on that Sunday, I was heading to the store to pick up a two pound package of Lucerne low-fat mozzarella string cheese, fifty calories a stick.  I probably go through one of these a week.

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Valerie Ing
Valerie Ing has been the Northern California Program Coordinator for Jefferson Public Radio in Redding for 14 years and can often be found serving as Mistress of Ceremonies at the Cascade Theatre. For her, ultimate satisfaction comes from a perfect segue. She and her husband are parents to a couple of college students and a pair of West Highland Terriers, and Valerie can’t imagine life without them or music. The Mistress of the Mix wakes up every day with a song in her head, she sings in the shower and at the top of her lungs in the car.
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24 Responses

  1. erin friedman says:

    Hero in the dairy aisle! Well done, Val — #ReddingString

  2. Beverly Stafford says:

    Did he drop the stolen loot at the door or did he make it out the opening with it?

    • Beverly Stafford says:

      Hey, Mistress, I hit Post Comment before congratulating you on being the kind of vigilante that we all should be. A bunch more cheese incidents like this and maybe the low lifes would burrow back into the holes they came from.

      • Valerie Ing-Miller Valerie Ing-Miller says:

        Why thank you Beverly! And unfortunately, he got away and did not drop the stolen loot. But I imagine he probably needed a change of shorts. At least that’s how I imagine it.

  3. Eleanor Townsend says:

    You are funny, funny, funny. Laughing out loud early in the morning! And you’re good, too. Good for you! I hope Safeway thanked you for protecting them…..Cheez, some people think they can get away with anystring.

    • Beverly Stafford says:

      Let the puns begin!

    • Valerie Ing-Miller Valerie Ing-Miller says:

      Thank you, and yes, I received numerous words of thanks and high 5s from store employees and security guards. Corporate Safeway probably doesn’t care a whit….they have barred their employees from touching these brazen thieves because they stand to lose far more if an employee is somehow hurt in the act of trying to stop a shoplifter (which has happened, so I understand, I just don’t like it). Plus, as I understand it, Safeway doesn’t own the majority of the inventory that gets lifted by thieves…it’s the loss of the distributor or manufacturer. That loss is eventually passed on down to the consumer through higher prices.

  4. Steven Towers Steven Towers says:

    Pounds of pungent cheese puns, I Gouda say.

    I found this take on the Eurythmics song:

    Sweet dreams are made of cheese
    Who am I to diss a Brie?
    I cheddar the world
    And the feta cheese
    Everybody’s looking for Stilton

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPN3KTtrnZM

    • Steven Towers Steven Towers says:

      (The link is to the Monty Python sketch, “The Cheese Shop.” Cleese and Palin at their best.)

  5. Adrienne Adrienne says:

    Gee, Steve . . . .that Yankovic guy butter watch out . . . . or was that HIS take on Annie Lennox??!!
    And Val . . . kinda on the subject. I would love to add Patty Austin’s “I Can Cook.”
    Thanks for the well told story, but even more important, thanks for the reminder that it takes a village to more than raise a child . . . it takes a village to BE a village. Every one of us doing our part be it huge (renovating houses)or small (chucking cheese) . Great illustrated sermon for all of us.
    . . . .and I PROMISED myself I would NOT get involved in the pun-storm. . . . I promise . . . . I promise . . . .

    • Steven Towers Steven Towers says:

      Ghee whiz Adrienne. I didn’t catch “…BUTTER watch out…” until the third read.

      And you said you were staying out of the pun storm.

  6. Hal Johnson Hal Johnson says:

    After that episode, he might think twice about ripping off a bowling alley.

  7. Oh, Val, you are my hero. I love you, and this column so much. You made me laugh, and then the comments made me laugh … and this is exactly what we needed today. (I’m not punny, so I won’t even try to compete. No whey! 😉

  8. Steven Towers Steven Towers says:

    Stepping away from my usual Americana/Alt-Country suggestions, here are some songs I would add:

    Mice Eat Cheese — Modest Mouse

    Five Finger Discount — Steppenwolf

    Been Caught Stealing — Jane’s Addiction

    Also, any cover by the king of lounge lizard crooners, Richard Cheese.

    • Valerie Ing Valerie Ing says:

      Aha! Caught you not looking at my playlist! Because while I love the Jane’s Addiction version of Been Caught Stealing, I opted instead to put Richard Cheese’s version on the list! Because I think he’s awesome!

  9. JoAnn Raines says:

    Not only was that not his Jack Daniels, the 2-pound bag-o-cheese was nearly nacho cheese!

  10. Joanne Snyder Joanne Snyder says:

    Oh, I love this story. You are my heroine. Throwing a hard ball, shillelagh or boomerang might have caused legal problems for you. Throwing cheese makes perfect sense in a grocery store! I am still laughing.

  11. Robert Wallenberg says:

    More people knead to throw the cheese!

  12. Eleanor Townsend says:

    Maybe now they’ll install a Securitycam-embert….

    I read – don’t ask – that September 20th shall be String Cheese Day. Yes. It’s true. Please consider it your personal day, Valerie. All the string cheese your heart desires, to celebrate your string cheese courage. (see, only one pun, winding down……..)

    • Valerie Ing Valerie Ing says:

      I accept the honor Eleanor, and will celebrate appropriately! Cracks me up that there’s an actual day for String Cheese…

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