You might think because I write this column and I’ve been a therapist all my life, that I have my stuff together. Ha! I wish that were true. There is no doubt that I have learned a great deal about the brain, human behavior, anxiety, depression and peace of mind during my journey this time around, but believe me, I still have my struggles. Ask my clients and students. They know. I don’t hide the fact.
It is a cliché to say that “none of us is perfect” and yet it’s true. Life is a school and until we graduate and pass over to whatever comes next, we are here to learn. And each day, I find I have new assignments. Whether I like it or not. More challenges. More to understand, accept and work through.
Values are vitally important in this process. Like humility, service, compassion, forgiveness and gratitude, to name just a few. And mindfulness.
Learning to live mindfully helps us get grounded and figure out our purpose. If you read books by Steven Hayes or Russ Harris, you will learn how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy views this issue. In his book, The Happiness Trap, Harris describes mindfulness as “a mental state of awareness, openness and focus” and when we combine this state within a values-based life, we can develop something called psychological flexibility.
One aspect of this approach could be meditation, a practice that many of us find difficult. Novice meditators often worry they are not doing it right because their mind keeps thinking while they “try to meditate.” This worry is normal. The problem is not the meditator or the meditation. The problem is once again that mischief-maker, the thinking mind, which acts like a small child who can’t stand being ignored and feels uncomfortable when she isn’t needed, appreciated or attended to.
Expectations are sometimes a problem. We expect to feel something and compare our felt experience with what we think should be happening. It is more helpful to give up our expectations or to just notice them as we sit with our simple, sacred selves. What does our thinking mind “think” about all this? Just notice it and nod.
When we gently persist in respectful, patient and mindful watching, we eventually learn to just let our thoughts come and go. We give up clinging to these elusive mental events that sing and dance in the amphitheatre of the mind. Whatever happens is whatever happens. The observing mind is not attached to an outcome. So why should we be? But don’t expect the mind to stop thinking. This show never ends. Fortunately, mindfulness does not require absence of thought.
Instead, we can expect to be “hooked” occasionally or repeatedly by our thinking mind. Our thoughts will abduct us and pack us into a waiting car and carry us away. When we “wake up” and realize we are zipping down the thinking highway, we can step out of that dream and return to being present while we let the thoughts go on without us for awhile.
This could and likely will happen over and over to us as we seek a mindful state of awareness. Detaching, observing, attaching, thinking, detaching, observing, attaching, thinking. Like stepping into a swimming pool and out again, the more we do it, the more we notice how different they are. Wet and dry, wet and dry. In the background we can hear and feel the wordless mantra caressing our cortex: “And that’s ok.”
Whether we want it to or not, our mind seems to have a mind of its own. Who is in charge anyway? Occasionally, our mind will create thoughts and produce images that are not pleasant. And trying to not think these thoughts or not see these images does not work. We just can’t “not think” about something. In trying to not picture something, we first have to picture it. It’s a trap.
Harris tells us that when we fuse with these thoughts and images, we take them seriously, give them all our attention, and physically react to them as if they are actually happening right now.
When we practice defusion, however, we do the opposite. We recognize these images are self-created. They are not real. Just a home-made horror-show in our mind. We don’t have to take them seriously. We don’t need to give them our attention unless it helps to do so. We can understand they are as harmless as a scary puppet we wear on our own hand.
When we defuse from negative thoughts and images, we accept them like a TV show that is on while we do other things. By accepting them, we do not fear them, resist them or struggle with them. Change the channel if you can but otherwise, just let it be. True acceptance helps it fade away while we focus on the things that truly matter.
Harris advises that we not use these defusion techniques with traumatic memories that have been “recorded” with all the senses. If we are traumatized by past experiences, we will likely benefit from the guidance of a trained therapist. These defusion techniques are more useful with self-created thoughts and visual images relating to what we fear might happen in the future.
There are many ACT defusion techniques, but the simplest require that we merely name or describe what is happening. For example, “I am seeing…”; “I’m having the image of…”; “My mind is showing me a picture of…”; “There is that image of…”. We can name the picture or thank our mind for the free movie. And remember while doing these exercises, it is all about acceptance, willingness and non-resistance.
Most of us struggle with these “inner demons.” Any thought, feeling, image, memory, fear, resentment, or anxiety can arise without an invitation and spill us off our chosen path. And quite suddenly, we might find ourselves negotiating with these demons as if they were kidnappers holding our child hostage. What must we do to have peace?
Our minds are always warning us of danger and threat and advising us to avoid. Be safe. Don’t get hurt. Don’t let others reject us. Don’t take risks. Watch out. People can’t be trusted. They will let you down. What if we fail? What if we make a mistake? What if we lose? What if they don’t like us? What if they think we are stupid, ugly or worthless?
When we let these thoughts, images and threats push us around, we obey them. We heed their warnings. We play it safe and live a smaller, more limited life. Is this what we want?
Harris asks us to imagine a life that is different than the one we have. Specifically, he challenges us to consider a life more free of painful thoughts, images and feelings. What would we do differently? What projects or activities would we begin, resume or complete? What would we do with our precious life if it was not weighted down with difficult emotions? And how would we behave if we were not so concerned with success or failure?
What if we could have the life we want? What if we could want the life we have? And what if we could start right now?
