From January to April of this year, I taught a nine-week class at First United Methodist Church based on The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. As I previously explained, Harris helps us understand how our efforts to “get happy” are often the very reasons we fail to get happy. The harder we try, the worse it gets. Part of the reason is something called cognitive fusion.
When our thoughts – and the objects, stories or events our thoughts represent – become fused together, we suffer. For example, some of us could have a panic attack as a result of our thoughts about an event we experienced in the past or in response to the anticipation of an event in the future. Even the thought, “What if I have a panic attack right now?” could be the trigger for a panic attack.
The thought is just a thought, a bunch of words in the mind that could be true or false but we treat it as if it is reality. Not only that, but we treat the thought as if it contains ultimate and important truth from a wise and unimpeachable source. And it often contains orders and threats. We feel compelled to obey our own tyrannical mind or else we fear something horrible will happen.
Until we are able to step back and realize these thoughts are not real; that they are not necessarily true, important or wise and that we don’t have to obey or fear them, they can easily bully, boss and brutalize us. They can literally run our lives. The only solution to this problem we created is something called cognitive defusion.
Harris uses an analogy of conflict between nations to explain defusion. There are three options: war, truce or peace. When we are at war, we want to win and make the other lose. This is very costly to both sides as the loss of life, money and resources mount. A truce or cease-fire is better but not ideal. Resentments remain. Anxiety and distrust. The temptation to attack is always present as is the fear of being attacked.
True peace is very different. The two sides agree that nothing can be gained through war. They learn to see the self in the other and the other in the self. They acknowledge differences but focus on what is similar, shared or common.
When we are at war with our thoughts and feelings, we struggle and become stuck. We wage pointless and futile battles to not think our thoughts and not feel our feelings. Such efforts are rigged to fail. Like attacking our own image in the mirror, every attack on “the other” is an attack on the self. The more we seek to avoid that which we have, the more we have it. Does this work?
An inner truce is better. It moves us in the right direction. We are stepping back from war. We are not actively fighting but we are still not at peace. We feel stuck as we tolerate our unwelcome guests. The hostile tension keeps us stressed and uptight. It still isn’t the life we want. We feel helpless and powerless as we continue to hate and fear our enemies within. We are resigned to a low-quality life that we cannot change.
True acceptance is our best option but it requires full and complete surrender. We are not, however, surrendering to the enemy. We are, instead, surrendering the illusion that war works. We are giving up the idea that attacking our own thoughts and feelings will help us achieve the life we truly want.
Peace is not just the absence of war. Light is not just the absence of darkness. True peace is active, not passive. It requires a permanent decision to value peace above war. It is a commitment where we do not turn back. This is our new life now. All that stuff remains. Enemies exist. Sadness, loss, suffering, pain. But we choose peace. We choose it every day.
We can’t defeat the dark forces of unwanted realities. But letting it all be frees us to wage peace not war. We can more fully love when we give up fear. We are not “putting up with” or tolerating that which we secretly fear or hate. We are not surrendering to an enemy. We are giving up or surrendering what never worked and what will never work: our failed attempts to avoid or run from self.
When we fully commit to what is real and true here and now, we are able to be with it and see with it and perhaps for the first time, be at peace with it. In giving up actively changing it, it (whatever “it” is) is transformed into something that can no longer hurt us. When we stop resisting pain, our relationship to our pain is instantly altered. Are we still in pain? Perhaps. Are we still suffering? No.
Harris writes, “The more fully (we) accept the reality of (our) situation – as it is here and now – the more effectively (we) can take action to change it.”
Notice your “shoulds.” Our “should” thoughts arise when we attack reality with negative energy. When we seek avoidance, we reach for our shoulds. When we seek acceptance, however, we turn our shoulds upside down. We disarm them. When we change how we view our world, we change our world.
Acceptance is not appeasement. Rather, it is the opposite of denial. It is clear-eyed understanding. It is like having a Black Belt in dealing with the clever deceptions of the mind. Acceptance understands that it “wins” by giving up what is unwinnable as it releases all its energy in more productive pursuits.
Harris writes, “If your life isn’t working for you, the only sensible thing is to take action to change it. That action will be far more effective when you start from a place of acceptance. All the time and energy that you waste on struggling with thoughts and feelings could be far more usefully invested in taking effective action.”
We don’t use defusion to control, avoid or get rid of our thoughts and feelings. Seeking control is the problem, not the solution. When we give up control, we get control. And we give up control when we accept and separate from our thoughts.
As we use defusion to fully accept our thoughts and feelings, they begin to lose their power to hurt us. When we accept them, we no longer care about them. We no longer give them our attention. Like adding an ingredient to a pot of soup, we allow and incorporate all aspects of our experience into our awareness. We let it mix. We allow it to be. It is present but no longer as a separate, unwanted condition that we persist in foolishly and painfully segregating, hating, fearing and resisting.
Your house may be cluttered or perfectly clean and well-organized. Either way, you can be mentally at peace. The problem is not the clutter. The problem is the mind as it focuses on the clutter and begins generating negative thoughts about it. When we accept the clutter and the thoughts and feelings that go with it, we are free to ignore it or get to work on cleaning it up. Either way, we can enjoy peace and serenity. Defusion and acceptance are the methods that make this possible. Fusion and avoidance destroy our peace and prevent us from dealing with the clutter effectively.
We can live in the courtroom mind or the science lab mind. In the courtroom, we focus on right and wrong, good and bad, true and false, guilt and innocence, crime and punishment, prosecution and defense. In the laboratory, none of that matters. Instead, we can run our experiments and examine our results. How does it help or hurt to avoid? How does it help or hurt to accept? What happens when we fuse with our negative thoughts?
What happens when you step back from and see your thoughts as a bunch of words that may or may not be true? We don’t care if they are true or false or positive or negative. We only care if they help us enjoy more rewarding lives. A hammer is not a good or bad tool. It is useful for hammering nails but useless for playing a violin. How are our thoughts different?
Click here to read part 1 of Chasing Happy.
Doug Craig graduated from college in Ohio with a journalism degree and got married during the Carter administration. He graduated from graduate school with a doctorate in Psychology, got divorced, moved to Redding, re-married and started his private practice during the Reagan administration. He had his kids during the first Bush administration. Since then he has done nothing noteworthy besides write a little poetry, survive a motorcycle crash, buy and sell an electric car, raise his kids, manage to stay married and maintain his practice for almost 25 years. He believes in magic and is a Sacramento Kings fan.
