Dude Wisdom: Weekend Visit, No Action?

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Welcome back, friends. I trust your bellies are full and your spirits, merry. After a couple weeks of missed deadlines (my fault, oops). The Dude is back on track. So check out the column every other Friday, or until I screw up again.

Here’s some questions your peers are asking.

Dear Dude:
I kissed my friend the other day. It was great, but I don’t feel great about it because I have a girlfriend. The girl I kissed is trying to convince me we should do it again but I don’t think I want to. She’s really cute, but I love my girlfriend and don’t want her to find out. Ahh, what do I do?

-John, Redding

Oh, Johnny boy. Temptation is struggle in every area of life. Do I eat the doughnut, though I know it’s not the healthy choice? Do I buy a bigger TV, though the one I have works just fine? Personally, yes, I eat the doughnut because it’s delicious (however, only if it’s a maple bar, and only occasionally). No, I don’t buy the TV, because I don’t watch that much TV. Temptation is the first sign that the predicament in which you’ve found yourself will result in short-term gains. Immediate satisfaction. It’s new. It’s fun. It’s different. But is it the wise choice? Evaluating delayed satisfaction might likely yield not. So if you’re as into your girlfriend as it sounds you are, I’d suggest not pursuing the friend. At this point, it’s done and over with. Kaputz. And if you don’t see yourself pursuing something with the friend, then I’d suggest not telling your girlfriend. You found yourself in a moment of uncertainty, inhibited by the opulence of the forbidden, and though you indulged, you know that’s not what you desire. In my opinion, your girlfriend probably will not see it so simplistically.

I met this guy at a wedding a couple months ago and we’ve been talking since. He told me he’s not seeing anybody (he lives in Sac) and I’m not seeing anybody. Everything seemed to be going great, until he came up to visit last weekend. It was the first time we’ve seen each other since the wedding and I was expecting to have sex. We made out a couple times, had a really nice dinner but nothing else. He went home Sunday and I haven’t heard since. No reply to my texts or calls. WTF?

-Sheila, Redding

Weirdo. Him, not you. Months of interest and conversation lead to nothing more than an awkward parting and no real intimacy? I might well be just as perplexed as you, had I not witnessed a very similar situation a good friend of mine found himself in.

I can’t speak to your particular beau, but the situation carries heavy the traces of self confidence, as with the case of my friend. Here’s an overview: My friend, who we’ll call James, though attractive and intelligent, had been in the much maligned sexless period known as a dry spell. No girlfriend, no friends with benefits (if ever there were a situation that really worked that well), nothing.

Then he hooked up with an old friend of his, and given his lack of intimacy, had a much briefer sexual encounter than either had wanted or hoped for. As you might guess, that led to even less confidence. And when he met somebody, talked with her on the phone for a couple weeks, then paid the money to fly her to meet him, she was met with no sex. She was understandably perturbed and confused. But it was too hard for him to tell her their first naughty encounter might not be explosive. Instead, he avoided her calls. And texts. And left both of them unsatisfied. I can’t say for sure this is what happened with your guy, but maybe something similar. In any case, he’s not worth the time. Consider this a learning experience: you got caught up in a guy who couldn’t get out of his own head long enough to appreciate you. It happens, unfortunate though it might be. Time to move on.

Dude Wisdom is a column written by a guy from town. This column aims to flip the traditional love advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Find The Dude on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/DudeWise or email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this Dude abides.

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is a guy from town. His column aims to flip the traditional love advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Find him on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/DudeWise or email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this dude abides.
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2 Responses

  1. Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

    Dear Dude,

    At first glance I agree with the idea of not telling the girlfriend about the kiss, however, after more thought, not telling her will make it much easier for him to do this again…. he has opened that door. And by not telling her, he has not really dealt with the true effects of his actions. Maybe he and his girl need to re-evaluate their level of exclusivity? Maybe she would like permission to pursue new lips too? He is not giving her the chance to live in the real world with him. Keeping her in the dark is not really fair. She should know who her man really is, don't you think?

    Clearly he is really struggling with the desire to have his cake and eat it too (so to speak). Now the new girl is putting some pressure on him which, as we know, will most likely make him cave (Flattery is so seductive). It will be interesting to see how he proceeds. What would you guess?

    As for the second writer… She needs to get that book… He's just not that into you. Spending the weekend with someone gives you a whole different perspective from texts and phone calls. Something didn't click for him. The hard thing is not to take it as a personal slam… but to realize that it's about the MATCH of the individuals not the individuals.

    Keep up the great work! Stay cool Dude!


    Author of….As You Desire

  2. Avatar Joanne Lobeski Snyde says:

    I enjoyed reading both your article Dude, and Nancy's comments. I really like the concept that success or failure of a relationship is about " the MATCH of the individuals not the individuals." Thank you again for a thoughtful article.