• People ask me all the time if I regret not having kids. My pause, though not pregnant, seems to make them uncomfortable.
• If I were King of California, I would not leave the budget decisions to the politicians. I would appoint the Final Decision Commission … total of five selected (by me) statewide. I would ask Maggie John to be on the commission … if she refused, I’d appoint her anyway. Wipe the slate clean. First and only imperial directive: protect and expand programs for education, police/firefighters, the abused and sick/hungry children. Everything else is fair game. If that means eliminating duplicate agencies, not paying legislators or shaving the Gov’s staff, so be it.
• Every morning I see a reflection of a small mirror I hung on the wall behind me. It’s crooked. It’s really crooked. I hung it two years ago and it’s bothered me every day since. Six months ago I bought the putty and replacement bracket. Someday I’m going to fix that sucker.
• Best car I ever owned was a 1966 Corvette. When I sold the car, my girlfriend left with the guy who bought it … pretty shallow. There’s that word again.
• Left eye twitching … rash on my shoulder… stomach grew 3 inches last night and my toes hurt. This HAS to be a good day …
• I have never been able to pronounce cacophony or Parmesan. It comes out Par-me-sium, and cacophony isn’t worth trying. Add rural to the list. I had my fifth birthday on the way to California from Arkansas. All I can figure out is that somewhere in route, maybe New Mexico, my speech took on an odd pattern.
• By the way, why is it OK to refer to myself as an Arkie but if someone else does, it’s politically insensitive and becomes an “A” word. I try to be politically correct but I’m mystified as to the rules.
• I planted two Photinia trees and turned the sprinklers on. The yellow belly finches whooped and hollered, chasing each other in and out of the showers. I’m pretty sure they were smiling …
• I like the way reciprocal and delicious sound.
• Unbelievable … a morning without a single nick or cut. Please step away from the mirror.
• For various reasons I gave up cigarettes, martinis and (some) prescription drugs. At times, I miss the old days … on the other hand, it’s truly amazing how we romanticize the worst days of our lives.
• Even with the blood-letting, I like shaving. At some point during this 15 minutes I think, “Hey, I’m here, I have friends, a remarkable wife, the world’s coolest and most loved cat, and at least the remnants of a sense of humor.”
• Speed limits along the way:
25 … invincible, will live forever
35 … top of the world
45…first serious illness
55 … birthday matches freeway speed (expletive deleted)
… why did I start this (expletive deleted)?
• Server brings my order.
I read your column today. I liked it.
Hey, thanks.
Can you be funny right now?
You mean like my famous John Wayne impression?
No. Like in your column.
It doesn’t work like that.
How does it work?
I don’t know. I don’t try to be funny.
Can’t work under pressure, huh?
• Things I like about Redding … Thai Cafe, the River Trail, Kool April Nights.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, 530.243.8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.
