Dear J,
My mother, in her 70s, is losing short-term memory. She’s starting to merge and alter memories of recent events, or forgets them altogether, and repeats herself more often. Otherwise she’s in good heath. Naturally, a medication check and a chat with the doctor would be the next step, but we live far apart. How do I handle a reality check directly with her? Her biggest fear is losing her grip.
This is a difficult passage, especially from afar. The good news is that there is help available. You are right to begin with a medical check-up, particularly if her doctor knows her well.
What follows may necessitate a trip back home, in fact I suggest that you begin to make as many trips to see her as you can, you will never regret doing so. Sit with her and address your concerns, ask her what she thinks about them. Her response to that will help you determine how to proceed.
Assess her safety, check for burned pots, signs of dangerous levels of inattention. If your mother has a solid support network around her, has frequent interaction with long term friends and neighbors, continues to enjoy regular activities like church, or card games, seems oriented as to time and place, she may just need to have you (or someone you can designate and communicate with) check on her by phone or a brief visit more regularly.
If you sense that more is needed, contact the county where she lives, and speak to a social worker in the Department of Social Services, Elder care. Frequently a few phone calls to local agencies will help you to establish the various levels of care available to your mother.
Do keep in mind, though that if she is competent to care for herself (this can be assessed objectively) you cannot force her to accept care or intervention against her will short of having her declared incompetent and yourself declared her guardian. It is important to allow your mother to live her life as she is able, notwithstanding your own anxiety about it.
Allow her to be involved in all decisions made on her behalf as long as you possibly can. She might surprise you.
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