• I sometimes get chided for mixing words or metaphors. I don’t get it. I’m running as fast as I can.
• Names, faces, dates . . . not a clue, but I CAN recognize a great laugh, in the dark, on one leg with my hands tied behind my back. Laughs are singular. They simply can’t be faked. Whether a belly laugh heard down the hall or a giggle that hangs in the air, there is only one per customer.
• Karaoke . . . many, many years ago in a faraway land, I thought it would be fun to pretend to sing a song on stage. The music started and the words flashed across the screen. I moved my lips but nothing came out. I complained about the lighting and sat down. Who knew you were actually supposed to sing?
• I’m one of the properties to be divided after a friend’s divorce. It’s seems silly I have to choose but there appears to be a law I haven’t read.
• People start talking on the phone as if I should immediately recognize the voice . . . due to a youthful bout of rock ‘n roll-itis, I can’t hear out of my right ear, and my left ear is tired of carrying the load.
• Swing Easy Stupid. Why do I stop doing things when I know they work? I take medication that makes me feel better, so I quit. Exercise keeps my weight down, so I “take a day off” which becomes a week. I was discussing this trait with a friend and he said, “Swing easy stupid” – a reference to playing better golf with a more controlled swing. I know it. I just don’t do it.
• I do have an electric razor . . . a drawer full of e-razors . . . all shapes and sizes waiting to be e-charged. • My beard, unfortunately, is not like the example shown on TV. The “tough beard” shown amounts to a two-hour growth around my house.
• I like shopping . . . especially sales. I have a neat stack of clothes that are “for working around the house.” They sit there, tags attached, peeking over the shelf, watching me wear a 10-year-old sweatshirt with a male/female figure riding a horse/buffalo/goat.
• I freeze up when trying to pick out toothpaste. If I get whitening, do I lose out on tartar control?
• I’m shaving in short choppy strokes this morning because I’m agitated about the huge number of things that confuse me. Last night I was asked by a waiter what temperature I wanted my meat. What? I’ve never taken a steak’s temperature so I was at a little disadvantage.
• I find myself saying “what?” a lot.
• Has anyone ever said “Stop” when asked to “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before”? I check my watch and stare at my toes but I just can’t scream “STOP!” If a reader has actually done that, please let me know if it was worth it.
• On a related note, I’ve repeated certain stories so many times over the years that friends sing along with me. The difference is my stories and jokes are just so darned interesting I know friends love hearing them again and again.
• I’m beginning to lose track of my starting point so I need to get to the aftershave quickly. Well, that was easy . . . there was no starting point.
• Yesterday I met two people, each working through a life-changing tragedy with grace and humor. I warn the guy in the mirror . . . if you so much as snivel once today . . . we understand each other.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” columns to doug@ca-lawyer.com
