No offense, guys, but I need a moment alone with the women, please.
It’s about my waltz dress for Dancing with the Stars.
Help me help me help me!
The only thing I’ve got are my shoes. Wait, I take that back. I didn’t even get the correct dance shoes. Wrong color. Apparently, I was supposed to get tan ones. I bought black dance shoes.
I wore them to two nights’ practice before I learned that black dance shoes were not advised because they stop the visual line of your leg and produce a stumpy look. Kind of like an exclamation point.
LOOK AT THOSE STUMPS!!!!
Funny. I’d say about 99 percent of my shoes are black. That could explain a lot . . .
So I’m practicing in my wrong black shoes, and my regulation tan ones are on order (at Soleus Dance and Fitness Wear, a very cute Redding shop that caters to dancers — a whole other world).
But my waltz dress is what I really needed help with.
I won’t bore you with the story about the Dancing with the Stars clothing arrangements for the women dancers. It’s kind of crazy. First we were supposed to look for our own clothes, then we learned a person would actually help us with our outfits, then that person went away, so now we’re back to our own hunt for dance clothes.
Times like this the guys have it made. They’re fitted for tuxes. Period. (Well, in all fairness, the guys do need disco outfits, so they’ll need to deal with that.)
But we six Dancing with the Stars women need two outfits: one for disco and one for the waltz.
Finding a disco outfit doesn’t worry me. I could do bell bottoms or a slinky dress in crazy fabric. Disco is not so serious.
Waltz is serious as double pulled quad muscles.
Finding a waltz dress is freaking me out. I’ve been to thrift stores. Struck out.
My sister and I went to Sears because I heard it had a bunch of prom dresses with prices slashed by 60 percent and more, because prom season is so over.
True enough. And the prices were impressive. Unfortunately, those sale dresses were teeny tiny teeny bopper gowns, in sizes like 2 – and I don’t mean 2 plus – they mean the size 2 or 3 or 4 I zoomed by so quickly in my early development that my closet never saw those numbers.
The professional female Dancing with the Stars dancers are very, very young and small.
The remaining non-dancer “stars” are Chita Johnson, Tracy Edwards and yours truly.
Chita is, well, Chita. She’s young and tall and va-va-voom gorgeous. (True story: At practice one night I’m watching Chita walk across the gym floor and I think, “Gee, Chita must be practicing a sexy walk for her dance.” Then it hits me: That’s the way she really walks.) Chita could wear a Mervyn’s Sag Harbor muu-muu and look like a million bucks.
Tracy Edwards is beautiful, slim and coordinated. She also has a mother who sews.
Which leaves me, and this question for you women:
Where does a mature, curvy woman find a ballroom waltz dress in the north state? Oh, I should add that I don’t want to spend a fortune, because I probably won’t wear that dress again (I don’t attend events that require that caliber of fanciness).
I’m not talking about just a larger version of a teeny-bopper dress.
I’m talking a grown-up woman’s dress that’s pretty enough that it doesn’t look like a mother-of-the-bride number.
We’ve been instructed to find something ballroomy that flows when we move. It must be modest (no cleavage, which has never been an issue for me). It should be tea length, so the audience can see my non-stumpy feet in my should-arrive-here-any-day tan dance shoes, as I glide around the floor in these fancy moves Jake is teaching me.
The dress’ skirt part should be wider at the bottom, so I can do those leg extensions without ripping something. Remember, I’m trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.
I’m open to suggestions, but here are some guidelines: It can’t be black, which is too bad, since it’s one of my favorite clothing colors, not to mention I did happen to find a black skirt and a matching black-and-cobalt blue top that I liked at a costume shop.
The reason I can’t wear black is it’s considered too somber for the waltz, which is supposed to be pretty and flowy and elegant and happy.
Another reason black dresses are discouraged is I might just disappear into my partner’s black suit, and the audience won’t see me.
That would be fine with me. However, it would not be fine with our head choreographer, Kathy Babcock.
So it’s back to the dressing room.
Oh, and we need our outfits by Wednesday.
No pressure.
Either leave your suggestions here, or e-mail me at attndoni@gmail.com.
Thank you. Now, I must go practice.
One two three . . .
