President Barack Obama
The White House
Washington, DC
Dear President Obama,
Humbly submitted, here is my plan for dealing with the domestic terrorists/performance artists who are occupying—under the threat of violence—a bird sanctuary somewhere in the vicinity of Bumhump, Oregon.
Cliven Bundy, the patriarch of the family that steers this Ranch Davidian clown car, has said that he doesn’t recognize the legitimacy of our federal government’s very existence. Let that sink in.
It’s not that these folks disagree with your policies, or the decisions of a particular federal agency. It’s that they don’t think that the United States should exist. Make sure that their leaders understand that they are therefore considered enemy combatants of the United States.
If anyone is killed in this act of aggression, those terrorists captured alive will be sent to Guantanamo where they can sit interminably without a trial. Because rightly or wrongly, that’s what we do with enemy combatants.
Give them all the time they want, Mr. President. Use that time to erect a 20-foot-high fence 100 yards out from the building they currently occupy, topped with razor wire. Then erect four guard towers at the corners. Tell the terrorists, “welcome to Malheur Federal Prison.”
It will require an act of political incorrectness, but let the terrorist know that comfort items can be provided for those prisoners who will be taking on submissive roles.
I was going to suggest Middle Eastern music broadcast at ear-splitting volume, 24-7, but even a boor like me recognizes that using the art of another culture as a form of hazing is insensitive.
Then I thought, make it Ted Nugent’s “Little Miss Dangerous.” It’s easily one of the worst songs ever recorded. Better, it’s the guitar-and-gun-slinging, pant-crapping-draft-dodging hero of the reactionary right confessing (as he has so often done) that he prefers underage girls.
Scratch that last idea, Mr. President. A loud barrage of The Nuge on endless repeat would be torture. This is about preserving our values in the face of actions by domestic terrorists who don’t share those values. If we abandon who we are, the terrorists win. Scratch the Guantanamo idea, too. Just tell their leaders that if anyone dies, they’ll be charged with accessory to murder.
I’m sticking with the Malheur Federal Prison idea, though. You have hundreds of fencing contractors with GSA contracts at your disposal. Pick one today and have that fence up by tomorrow.
Respectfully,
Steven Towers
