Intimate Concerns Advice Column: Evasive Orgasms, Lagging Libidos, Mismatched Sex Drives

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Our Bodies, Our Pleasure… Where do we begin?

“I’m a married woman and my husband says I’m broken because I don’t orgasm with just regular sex. You know, penis-in-vagina sex. My girlfriends are no help, and I am worried that I need something fixed. Can you help me please?”

Sincerely, Feeling Broken in the Bedroom

Dear Feeling Broken,

To answer your question simply, “No, you are not broken.” This is very common, and based on research not from just one study, but from a 1comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years, only about 25% of women regularly experience orgasm with PV (penis/vagina) sex alone. Yes, that’s right. Only a quarter of women orgasm this way.

The good news is that our bodies can learn to orgasm in new ways with some fun practice. We can teach areas (such as the vagina) that are not highly orgasmic to be more so by simultaneously stimulating areas that are highly sensitive, such as the clitoris.

Important for everyone to know is that 75% of the women having orgasms, (sadly, not all women have them) require direct clitoral stimulation for this to occur. There are many ways to experience pleasure, and not all will or need to result in orgasm to be enjoyable for both of you. AND, of equal importance to know, it’s not a reflection on him, it’s just our human design.
Keep it fun and keep exploring all your pleasure zones – alone and together. You are his teacher of your pleasure.

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My Wife is No Longer My Lover

“I’m married to a great mom and wife and yet she never wants to have sex. How do I get her to want more sex?

Help please, Frustrated Blue

Dear Blue,

You speak for many men in the world, I’m sorry to say. In order to really help your specific situation, I would need to ask you a lot more questions before I can help find answers. So, I will address this in a more general way.

Keeping sexuality alive and spicy during the years of making and raising babies requires some stealth ninja skills. Women’s bodies go through hell at every level. Understanding this might help you feel less offended by her lack of desire. During these years, your desirability will increase the more involved you are with the day-to-day care taking of the house and kiddos. Watching you rock a baby to sleep or wiping the nose of a snotty toddler might just be the foreplay she needs. Also, she has tiny little people sucking, pulling, demanding every square inch of her being day in and day out– be the one who serves her body instead of demands of it. Learn to give her a massage, draw her a bath, hug and kiss her to sleep. The more you do without the intention of “getting laid” – will more likely get you laid.
Women need to feel safe and loved to desire sex, while men need sex to feel safe and loved. When your children demand 100% of her energy, you can be the hero and create the safe place for her to let go and feel like a woman and a lover, which will turn her brain onto the idea of feeling sexy – and when she feels sexy, it’s a win-win.

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Sex Drive Mismatch

“My husband and I have very different sex drives. He seems the think about it 24/7 and I never think about it. What can we do?”

Respectfully, At Opposite Ends

Dear Opposite Ends,

This is a complex, yet very common quandary couples can experience at some point during their marriage. I’m happy you are seeking solutions and understanding.

If you were in front of me I would ask questions such as if your sex drives were ever in sync? Did this suddenly change? Do you know what the catalyst of change is? How is the rest of your relationship? So, for now, these are some questions for you to ponder.
I often find that this has been an ongoing awareness since day one, but was overlooked, or each assumed the other would come around to their way of being.
The first thing I would suggest is to each write out what your own sexuality means to you, what it represents, what it equals in level of importance, and how you interpret your sexual needs being respected or valued by your partner. If you are not comfortable discussing this alone, find a qualified counselor who can mediate this conversation. Knowing why you each feel the way you do about sex will help build compassionate understanding. This will ease the feeling of either rejection or hounding often described.

Building a healthy designer relationship, based on each person’s needs, requires ongoing conversations and renegotiating so each person can each enjoy their finest life within and because of the relationship.

“Sex is never the issue unless someone is not getting enough – then the entire relationship becomes the issue”.

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Next Conscious Living Sexuality Event!

By popular demand, “Your Yoni & You ~ To Thy Yoni Be True” Encore event.

Tickets ? Feb 7, 2018 For Women Only. Join Dr. Nancy’s mailing list

Note from Dr. Nancy,

I’m in considering creating an event for men, “10 Keys for Men; How to Unlock Your Woman’s Sexual Desire.” Anyone interested? Do I hear an enthusiastic Yes? Let me know!

1: The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elisabeth Lloyd, Harvard University Press. 2005

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce
Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce’s eclectic background places her expertise in a league of its own. The compilation of her career as an RN, health educator, intimacy author, radio talk show host, and yoga therapist all fuel her passion as an International speaker and clinical sexologist. Earning her Doctorate degree in human sexuality has broadened her reach around the globe teaching Conscious Living Sexuality™. When not traveling the globe inspiring others, Dr. Nancy enjoys her home life with the love of her life for more than 30 years. They’ve raised three children and now bask in what she refers to as “the dessert of parenting” -- being grandparents. Website. Contact Dr. Nancy
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13 Responses

  1. I’m sure this is familiar territory for many couples. I’m happy to report that as I’ve grown older, I’ve slowly come to realize that demanding sex and pouting when I don’t get it is childish and selfish behavior. Each of us has a right to our own bodies.

    • Thank you for reading and adding your insights. Yes – our bodies – our choice. I am teaching consent workshops around the globe and it’s amazing how often people are surprised how wonderful it feels to just be asked.

  2. Excellent article ! Keep it up, so to speak…and curious about how many comments will follow your clearly expressed article. The fewer responses, the more there’s an underlying need for couples to talk to each other and seek counseling at their comfort level, regardless of sexual orientation.

    • My role is to help those who are uncomfortable, find a way to get comfortable, talking about this tender, personal topic.

      We all crave intimacy – which is much more about communication than any actions. By claiming our birthright to freely express our feelings, thoughts, desires, & fantasies, we open the portal to discover that soul connecting relationship making this life even more worth living!

  3. Avatar Patricia Bay says:

    Your column is important and needed. I love the idea of people being able to ask real sexual questions and receive clear, knowledgeable answers.

  4. Avatar Gerry says:

    Where were you many years ago when I needed it. Now a widow with no men in sight. I do know the answer to that. But the involvement of someone who loves you is really nicer….well optimal. Love your advice to the man to makes his wifes load lighter. It is spot on !!

    • You are your best lover – don’t forget to take care of that part of your life… man or no man. It is what keeps us youthful, glowing, and excited about our lives all the way around! Come to the event I’m offering on Feb 7th… it will inspire you!

  5. Avatar John says:

    From our own experience with enjoying sex with each other for over 50 years we actually prefer separate orgasms. Because when one partner gets all the attention it just comes easier; and much more intense.

    • I do love hearing about couples who are curious and open to learning exactly what each other prefers and then designing their sexual relationships to fit each other’s needs. Perhaps that’s why you’re still enjoying a wonderful and satisfying sex life for over 50 years! Congratulations John!

  6. Avatar Denise O says:

    The best gift? Stop being goal- oriented and just be luxuriously in the moment.
    Sometimes the best loving is a mere moment.

    I’m a proponent of planning intimate time together especially when you’re a very busy couple. Anticipation is luxurious.

    • Avatar Dr. Nancy says:

      I’m unclear as to what your “best gift” reference is related to, and I agree and teach to let go of orgasm goals and make it all about pleasure- which can be so many things, sexual and non sexual.

      Intimacy dates are another area I recommend and trading off who does the planning. Anticipation is most certainly luxurious!!
      Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts!