A Modest Proposal – A Solution for Excessive Taxation and the Dilemma of Health Care

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Illustration by Phil Fountain.

Sometimes I just lie awake at night worrying. It’s hard for me to sleep when I think of all the taxes we pay. Income tax, property tax, sales tax, estate tax—the list just goes on and on. And the bonds! My goodness, the school bonds we pay for! (And I’ve never even sent my children to public schools—talk about unfair!) I’ve been waiting and waiting for our President to make it right after suffering through the horrible years of Obama. I pray that the good people in Congress will finally come through with the tax relief we so abundantly deserve.

I have waited decades for our leaders to finish the job that the brilliant President Reagan began. I believe that “trickle down” economics will only work when we expand it to its logical end. If we could get rid of the onerous tax burden that is imposed on us well-off folks, things would be better for everyone. I know that if I didn’t pay so much in taxes I would be much more generous with my tips. And I don’t just mean my good advice (haha). I would probably start by tipping at least 15%. This would affect a lot of people—manicurist, hairdresser, masseuse, pool boy, landscapers, esthetician, housekeeper, nanny, drivers, not to mention waiters and waitresses and hotel maids.

I’m old enough to remember The Great Recession. Times were so bad that we vacationed in the States. I had to do my own nails and forego my weekly massage for a monthly one. We limited meals out to once or twice a week. I actually gave up facials for a year. That didn’t just hurt me—think of all the little people that suffered, too.

I don’t like to see this discord among people of our party. After all, we all want the same thing: get rid of ObamaCare. Most of us already have health insurance and those who don’t probably don’t deserve it. These are the same people who have lots of bad health habits. I mean really—look at the pictures of Walmart people and tell me we should support them! (I’ve never actually been to a Walmart but I do see photos and even videos on social media—disgusting!) Still, credit where credit is due: many of them voted the right way. The only reason that Mr. Trump hasn’t been able to complete his agenda is that some people in Congress are just not thinking right. They need to think right—very Right. I don’t believe in that Darwin stuff, but there may be something to “survival of the fittest” and all that. For example, I’m healthier because I take care of myself. I belong to the best gym, have a personal trainer, eat only organic foods, and avoid stress. (That’s been easier lately because when I look at my stock portfolio I can smile and think, “thank you Mr. President.”)

The government needs to get behind our President and take care of the people who matter. My family and I have contributed to a lot of campaigns—and our elected officials should remember that. I know that some of our politicians are namby-pamby about spelling things out, but I don’t have to be. I’ve been saved and I’ve read my Bible. You know how Jesus said “the poor will always be with us.” Sad, but true. But do we need so many of them? The reason we have so much unemployment is because a lot of menial labor is now being done by robots and such. Or, smart business people (like Ivanka, bless her) locate their factories overseas where the worker bees know their place and are willing to do their jobs without pricing themselves out of the market. It’s obvious to me: we just don’t need all these bottom feeders living on food stamps and Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security and what-not. This is truly a case of less is more.

So what are we to do with all the riffraff in America? Do they need healthcare? I say no. As a matter of fact, we need a lot less of it. Less health care ultimately equals fewer poor people—duh. I know that sounds a bit mean, but it’s for the best. Remember when our forefathers were building our great country? There were some casualties along the way. Yes, some people were enslaved and some tribes were displaced, but that’s what makes America so special. We get over these things and move on.

I say, Onward Christian Soldiers! Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions and let the chips fall where they may. Let’s continue the job that Reagan began and let’s call TrumpCare what it is: a tax cut for the upper class–and we richly deserve it. They may not come out and say it, but I know many of my friends—especially Pence, Cruz, McConnell, Ryan, Rand . . . well, there are just too many to list—will privately agree with me. It’s the Republican way.

And yes, Let’s make America Great Again!

Joann Swift

Click here for the original Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”.

Hollyn Chase
Since her retirement, Hollyn Chase has served as VP of operations at Chez Chase--she also cooks and vacuums. Darling Jack, her husband of forty-two years, gets to be President; they agree that this is because he works much harder than she does. Being the VP is not all glitz and glamour, she does many mundane things. But she does them happily since she discovered that listening to audiobooks makes the boring bearable. Because her mind is always occupied, she's stopped plotting to overthrow the government. Her children, who rarely agree on anything, are both happy about this. Besides her addiction to fiction, she's fairly normal and sometimes even nice.
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45 Responses

  1. Avatar CoachBob says:

    Typical Phil Fountain

  2. Avatar cheyenne says:

    I needed this column to start my morning.  Can’t wait to read the comments.  Thank you.

  3. Avatar Richard Christoph says:

    Jonathan S.  (1667-1745) would have been mighty proud, Ms. Chase. Right honourable of you.

  4. Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

    Tongue pressed firmly in cheek.  Right out of much of talk radio’s playbook.

  5. Avatar Suzanne Prewitt says:

    Love me some J Swift!

  6. Avatar Karen C says:

    Thanks Hollyn for the though provoking article and getting my blood flowing this morning.  I have zero tolerance for those who complain of no work.  It may not be the work you want, but do it anyway, save, save , as much as you can.  Get your health insurance and keep it up for the  rest of your years.  Take care of your  family.

    I hear from so many seniors, that they need someone to come and weed, repair a fence, fix a window, change a bulb, walk the dog, do some needed cleaning and they are happy to pay for the work to be done.  It may not be the  job you want, but it will fill in the gaps until one can get a better job.

    I have paid for health insurance since I was 19 years old and never been without.  Yes, I had a City job for a time in my life, but I still paid a chunk of my paycheck towards the benefit.  Thanks to my mom’s advise so many years ago when I was 18, I sought out work, and always had a job.  I worked from the time I was 11 years old , baby sitting, then working in retail, and later in orthodontic offices.  I learned a lot and it served me well.  I even sought work from relatives, helped clean their homes, helped with gardening, saved my money and paid my way.

    • Steve Towers Steve Towers says:

      “It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am.” — Mohammed Ali

      • Avatar K. Beck says:

        Thanks. I needed a good laugh today! I just returned from a trip to IN & KY. Went to the Mohammed Ali Museum. Worth a visit if you are ever in Louisville.

  7. Steve Towers Steve Towers says:

    I was a good paragraph and a half into this—thinking that a writer I thought I knew had completely lost her mind—before I woke up and smelled the coffee and simultaneously sniffed the Swift.

    Joann Swift’s modest proposal is a bit harsh, though—there’s a more human alternative to her Darwinian solution of simply allowing the poor to perish without medical care.  As an entrepreneur, I say opportunity knocks!  In exchange for medical care, some of the moneyless and uninsured could offer their services as “lab rats” for medical experiments, or sell body parts to the rich.  It wouldn’t be for everyone—those who have nothing to offer in trade would have their genes scrubbed from the fancy Venetian tile lining the gene pool, but that’s how I imagine natural selection works.

    It’s a win-win.

    Some extremely cumbersome regulations regarding medical research on human subjects would have to be deep-sixed, but isn’t that the current zeitgeist?  Get rid of those burdensome regulations and—viola!—problem solved.

    • Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

      My first gasp was at “the horrible years of Obama”.   Then at “the brilliant President Reagan ,” I became suspicious.  Wait, wait, said I to myself.  This can’t the Hollyn Chase whose columns I’ve enjoyed in the past.  Then came the slap to the forehead, the light bulb, and the snickers.

      Not a bad addition to Joann Swift’s proposal, Steve.

    • Avatar Ron says:

      A few of my college friends in the 1970s would sell their blood plasma when times got rough.

      • Steve Towers Steve Towers says:

        One of my grad student buddies tried to make some walking-around money selling his sperm to a sperm bank. Turned out he was sterile, and the doctor recommended he get a check-up. He’d picked up a not-previously-described and mysterious endoparasite in the Amazon that was doing systemic damage. He was dead inside of a year.

    • Avatar hollyn says:

      The first time I read Swift’s A Modest Proposal was as I was reading it aloud to a drowsy first period senior English class at Shasta High. As a substitute, I had no preparation for what was to come. The first few paragraphs lulled the class into even greater lethargy; then the outrage began to build. I could sense students shifting uncomfortably in their seats and finally one girl erupted, “this is bullshit! I hate this guy, You can’t eat children!” It led to a marvelous discussion and I actually got to feel like I participated in an educational process. (Versus the typical experience of feeling like a babysitter/warden.)

      So, thank you Steve–your reaction was exactly what I wanted. And I adore “simultaneously sniffed the Swift”. And, yes, your suggestion of selling body parts is even more apt. And not that far-fetched in this brave new world. We already have impoverished college girls selling their eggs.

  8. Avatar Marc Carter says:

    Oh Karen C, your exemplary life is obviously so very commendable. Perhaps a model citizen award should be in order. I’m pretty sure the COR would be proud to formally present it. You may even qualify as a Nobel Prize recipient.

  9. Frank Treadway Frank Treadway says:

    It  must have been a real trick to do this entire column with your tongue in cheek. I know you Hollyn and this ain’t the real you. Right ?

    • Satire, boys and girls, satire. It’s tough to write satire, and even more difficult to decipher it as a reader.

      Well done, Hollyn, and three cheers for the readers who got it.

  10. Avatar Grammy says:

    Taxes and insurance will be the death of us.

  11. Avatar Karen C says:

    Mare C, oh lets not go that far.  How about simply petitioning the pope for my sainthood? 😉

  12. R.V. Scheide Jr. R.V. Scheide Jr. says:

    If you reworked this and made it a little meaner, you could sell it to the recall campaign. Don’t tell them it’s satire.

  13. Avatar Cate says:

    Whew, okay, satire. I was thinking, hoping, this was so….

  14. Avatar Auntie Bee says:

    Thank you for continuing to write thought provoking columns.
    I do understand satire and really wish I could laugh at this, but it is so close to what so many narcissistic jerks perceive to be the truth, that I feel more sad, angry and hopeless about the future.
    Looking forward to hearing the rest of the fairy tale (The Tale of Mira, Part 1) you started a few months ago.

    • Avatar hollyn says:

      I had to put that one aside for awhile. I actually wrote Part Two, but my granddaughter hated the ending so much she directed me back to the drawing board. When you’re fourteen, you expect happy endings. And, after some thought, I decided that since there are so few happy endings in real life, the least I could do for my readers is provide a happy fictional ending. One can hope, one can dream, one can read . . .

  15. Avatar conservative says:

    Good news. The CA supreme court has ruled that we can have the tax increases which will solve all our problems

  16. Avatar conservative says:

    Yesterday’s CA Supreme Court ruling


    could mean Redding will thrive like Alameda County where the sales tax rate is 9.75%

  17. Terry Terry says:

    Brilliant satire. Thank you!

  18. Greg Greenberg Greg Greenberg says:

    Great article and I agree with you wholeheartedly. The problem is that the Great Ronald Reagan helped the rich.  Trump has stepped up the game, not really helping the rich, but helping the super rich.  That means that we need to step up our games and get into the realm of the multi multi millionaires to gain the favor of Trump.  That means we need to step up our games, vacation in tropical countries but not Europe, and invest in Trump approved tax shelters.  We will make America great again and the poor will look at us and aspire to be us.

    • Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

      And your comment isn’t satire but the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  How did we get into this mess?

      • Greg Greenberg Greg Greenberg says:

        20% or so of the country voted for our Cheetoh in chief.  We got what we deserved I guess.

  19. Avatar Common Sense says:

    How do you spell ” Your Goose is Cooked #45″  in Russian?….anyone?

    I have faith that the System and Constitution and some Politicians that love this Country will all figure this mess out…and let us Remember…..YOU can’t pardon your way out of STATE Crimes……

    Unprecedented times we are in….History…..it’s in the Making…

    Prepare for all the Civil Suits Mr. Arpaio…..they are coming….

    • Greg Greenberg Greg Greenberg says:

      The problem with trying to impeach Trump is that we would be stuck with Pence.  The American people are gullible enough to fall for his polished demeanor but his political beliefs are truly evil.

      • Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

        I think that Hillary’s choice of a running mate, Tim Kaine, was a big mistake.  A bit like McCain choosing Sarah Palin.  Kaine acted too much like Trump in the debates.  Comey’s last minute surprise with the e-mails certainly didn’t help, but Kaine’s constant interruptions of Pence were unpardonable – just like Trump did with Hillary.

  20. Avatar cheyenne says:

    Many people who voted for President Obama did not vote for HRC.  As was noted by many, Trump and Clinton were the two worst presidential candidates in history.  Pick anyone from either party, another Republican or another Democrat, and they would have defeated the other candidate.  And while everybody is worried about national politics the real game changer will be locally.  2018 comes before 2020 and many states have crucial elections coming up.  Colorado and Arizona for two and even here in Wyoming, the reddest state of all, we may have a Democrat woman for governor.  Doesn’t California have critical elections coming up next year?

    • Greg Greenberg Greg Greenberg says:

      Cheyenne, I think that Trump and Clinton are a symptom of a broken political system.  Trump was certainly the American people sending a message.  Not a very good message though!

      • Avatar Beverly Stafford says:

        It seems impossible that two unelectable people ran, but that’s what happened. A broken political system, indeed.

  21. Avatar Kathy Oppenheim says:

    I would agree that Pence is a wolf in sheeps clothing. He would bring women back to the 1950’s if he had his way. The only good there is that he is not actually insane.

    • Avatar hollyn says:

      Oh Kathy, so true, so true. Whenever I daydream about Trump being impeached (unlikely) or resigning (maybe, hope-hope-hope) the image of sanctimonious Pence rears it’s ugly head.

  22. Avatar Richard Christoph says:

    Since V.P. Pence has been mentioned by anewscafe’s Satirist-in-Chief, like-minded folks might enjoy “The Onion’s” take on his views toward women.