Question for ‘As You Desire,’ From ‘Call Me A’

Call me “A”.

I’m 40 and have had a relationship/affair with a women (‘B”) who is now 58 for 20 years. Yeah I know how did this last so long and what kept it great? Well many things, I love her company, support and she is truly my soul mate. We’re both married, call our spouses vanilla, good people, who don’t deserve what we’ve done, but we can’t resist our desires for each other.

I’ll go back in time;  I met “B” at a club where she was introduced to me and we hit it off right away. Great kisser, very attractive, we just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. We didn’t do anything sexual for months as she was married, I wasn’t but I was dating someone. I waited on her decision as to what would happen next.

Over the next 15 years, our relationship was absolutely stellar from how we made each other better with regards to our careers. I supported hers and she helped me get through college and eventually into a rewarding career. She was my best friend, the one I wanted to share my success, be around, etc.

It was hard to live a double life and my spouse had many difficulties with having a family and my lack of support didn’t help. I married for “she’s a nice girl and would make a good wife” and not for the right reasons. My friend “B” always said I could have done much better based on looks, personality and what someone else could bring to the table. She was right and we discussed getting married, but “B’ wasn’t about ready to leave her husband and two kids for someone 18 years younger and not sure if it was a phase she was going through, fulfilling her sexual desires, fantasies, a need to feel young as she had children at 25, etc.

So since we were committed to each other, we have been very careful but have been absolutely crazy about spending as much time together and our careers allowed us to do. When she had a lot of disposable income, she paid for everything the first 10 years and I have the last 10 as my income situation has increased.

Kind of back to why I need some help as I’ve noticed since she went off the pill ~3+ years ago, she is going through severe menopause, her sex drive is almost non existent, hot flashes, depression, uncertain of us, can’t get out of bed before 9 to 10 anymore, won’t commit to spending “our time together” which was making love time and this has really thrown a wrench into our relationship the past two years.

What used to be a daily (Monday through Friday) love-making two to four times a day for the first ten years, decline to a few times a week but three to four times a day 10 to 15 years, then years 15 ~17 years once a week and two to three times each time we saw each other to almost once every other month and once to twice each time we meet. I would pick her up for lunch, and she would be in a long rain coat, with her work heels and panty hose or without and nothing else underneath and wanted to do it during lunch where ever we could find a place to pull the car over at. This was a few times a week during lunch. She would always buy sexy outfits and toys over the years, but that spontaneity has stopped as well the past 5 or so. We had many, many, many just mind blowing experiences over the many years. Just awesome!

I feel devastated as a man as sex was very important to both of us and she keeps telling me it’s not you but she’s going through the change and doesn’t have the desire like before. She says before, she day dreamed about making love all day, just was absolutely insane about it, but since her 50’s and getting off the pill its been pure hell for her. I’ve shown her many examples and she keeps saying I’m sorry, its not you but she can’t help it. She admits its hard to get up enough energy to deal with things and knows she’s been really putting a strain on our relationship as lovers and friends to the point I don’t want to talk until she gets her self together.

She said her doctor kept her on the pill too long and that’s what screwed her up and she tried to avoid HRT but its been two years she’s been off, not getting better and was told its too late to get HRT? IS that something that’s accurate? IS there something she can get with regards to testosterone to balance her out? She has been having medical issues the past 8 years. She won’t budge and at least try to get help. She says its too late. She’s on medications to help with anxiety, stress, hot flashes but have not helped that much. Her doctors told her to up the script, she’s afraid to since she doesn’t want to be on meds.

Her plate is real full, won’t plan to schedule time for us and seems like it’s only when we go out of town for a few days is when she will make time or a real fancy night on the town but doesn’t want to go to a hotel as often. We would go to a hotel five times a week and now says she cant get away as easily and I understand, but in my eyes she doesn’t even try anymore as she says its a struggle just getting through her day. She works at the same company as her husband and that doesn’t make anything any easier. He has accused her a few times of having an affair and she denied it but does get scared thinking about it as well as I do.

I’ve given her an ultimatum, get help or I won’t be around anymore. She says she’s trying, but I see her just going through the motions, she says she still wants to try and be the vibrant person she used to be but the age is catching up ad she doesn’t know what to do. She wants me to be there for her every day, talk like we used to, but doesn’t want to make time to be intimate only time for a cup of coffee. My personality is all or nothing as I’ve also caught her in innocent lies saying she’s working but with a girlfriend really having coffee but doesn’t want to upset set me telling me she has time for friends but none for me. She did tell me it was easier to lie than go through me yelling at her and making her feel bad. She has a point and since then has been up front if she needs to get away for lunch or coffee.

I ask her what does that leave for us? She cries and says she’s sorry and is trying to deal with everything but has to take care of her health, family then come me for now. She put us ahead of everything for years, but she doesn’t have that option. She tries to make me happy, but I can’t be a part time lover or what I now feel like she is using me and I told her that. She says she understands, but she cant do anything about it.

I’m at my wits end and realize I can’t will someone to want what we had before. She says she may never be the same person because of the menopause and asked me to wait and see how things go but its only getting me madder as I can’t figure out what I can do to help her get some spunk back in her life. Its been two months since we’ve been last together intimately, we’ve seen each other twice at a coffee shop and she wants me to give her a hug but I can’t as I’m still madly in love with her but she’s in a different world and hugging her will lead to a kiss but then she has to leave to go home and I’m frustrated again.

I told her I’m going to go out and make friends as I need to move on no matter how much it kills me and her response is are you going to find someone to replace me. That’s not even a thought, but I need to move on as this is real hard on me and I don’t see anything getting better in the near future. Its just one thing after another and maybe its better to end it now and go back to what we should be doing.

What’s weird, when I’m out of town on business travel is when she wants to talk the most and I have asked her not to expect me to be warm and return phone calls since she can’t schedule time for me at home than I can’t afford her the courtesy of letting her know where I’m at, who I’m with , and what time I’ll be home after dinner & drinks. She gets pissed, but what am I to do, she doesn’t have the travel career and I still do but why should I sit around and try to make her happy when she wont do it for me. She says love making happens before the bedroom, and I agree but when you don’t plan for the bedroom, that also puts a strain on our relationship.

As you can tell I’m devastated, crushed and just bitter that in my eyes she’s not trying to salvage anything but still wants to be committed but has no idea to make things like it was before or even remotely close. She says I didn’t know there is a “Sex Quota” and I said I have needs just like 10 years ago when you wanted to do it all night. She says she’s sorry and its wrong of her to want me to stay with her and not have a short or long term solution. I have tried my best, but can’t drive myself crazy anymore or I’ll be more depressed. She says I gave you my best years and she did but she still has time left but that’s not for me to decide what’s important and when.

I know lot of confusion, big age gap and a person who loves someone they shouldn’t. Do you have any suggestions, I know deep down it will never be the same and its best to move on.  I haven’t spoken with her on a regular basis for the past year since there is a lot of stress I put on the situation because I don’t want to be just friends but she doesn’t have/want to make time to be with me intimately as well. I asked her not to call unless she gets things together and wants to be with me and devote time to it. I don’t want to be a someone she feels sorry for as well as we were best friends for many years, but when I look at her I see someone who absolutely does it for me, still makes my heart pound and its the one I want to make love with.

She feels bad about the situation, but I don’t see any effort anymore to at least try and the risk is not worth the reward any more. I said to her if we were in fulfilling marriages, we wouldn’t be doing this, she says its much more than sex and I agree but its what brought us together; we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and I still say that it should be that was, kissing like high school kids, that pat on the rear, that kiss while driving and stopped at a stop light, the wink and rubbing their thigh at dinner or in the car. We had all of it. What happened, she says its called life, no one wants this but we don’t have choices sometimes.

Its too hard to be just friends as I’ll always want to kiss her, etc. That may sound selfish all or nothing, its real important to me. .I know, it’s complicated.  Any suggestions you can provide would be great.

Sincerely, A

Read Nancy’s response here.

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce
Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce’s eclectic background places her expertise in a league of its own. The compilation of her career as an RN, health educator, intimacy author, radio talk show host, and yoga therapist all fuel her passion as an International speaker and clinical sexologist. Earning her Doctorate degree in human sexuality has broadened her reach around the globe teaching Conscious Living Sexuality™. When not traveling the globe inspiring others, Dr. Nancy enjoys her home life with the love of her life for more than 30 years. They’ve raised three children and now bask in what she refers to as “the dessert of parenting” -- being grandparents. Website. Contact Dr. Nancy
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3 Responses

  1. Avatar Lisa says:

    Wow….I feel bad for the guy, though I'm not condoning this behavior…but I'm just wondering how this exclusive relationship could go on inside of 2 marriages without either of them finding out about it, especially when so much time was spent together. When did either of these two spend time with their own families if this much time was spent somewhere else? This sounds like the fairytale romance everyone wants, but that almost never exists. Sounds like they both need therapy & impartial input to figure out their lives.

    • Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

      I was wondering the same thing. Often times the partner turns a blind eye because they just don't want to know. I really hope he wakes up and takes a hard look at his life before it really turns to dust. I feel for him too…. this cannot be a great place to find yourself.

      Thank you for reading and commenting.


  2. Avatar Joanne Lobeski Snyde says:

    Huuum. An extramarital affair based on sex? Loving and aging together means that you are a part of the changes that happen in your partner's life. What if all that loving energy was put into this gents marriage? Maybe he could become content and happy with the woman he married. They too have a history together.