By Phil Fountain and Steve Brewer
Steve: So it’s that time of year again. March Madness is under way. Pro basketball is steamrolling toward the playoffs. Stanley Cup playoffs are on the horizon. Spring training has all you baseball nerds in a lather. How are a couple of guys supposed to drag themselves away from ESPN long enough to write something for A News Cafe?
Phil: Could you hold on a second there, Brewer? I’m watching your Celtics play the Heat on NBA-TV, filling out my NCAA bracket and streaming the pitch-by-pitch of the Dodgers’ Cactus League game. So, what’s A News Cafe anyway?
Steve: Even President Obama is preoccupied with sports. Here’s a man facing a global economic meltdown, two wars, huge federal deficits, a broken health-care system and several very big messes left on the carpet by the previous White House occupant, and somehow Obama finds time to sit down with ESPN and fill out his bracket for the NCAA basketball tournament.
Phil: I’ve got a VERY SERIOUS ISSUE with this. Do you know that in his “Presidential Bracket” he’s got Virginia Freakin’ Commonwealth BEATING UCLA in the first round?!? That’s got to be his worst pick since Joe Biden! In this household, going against the Bruins will make you about as popular as Bristol Palin at a Parents Without Partners mixer. I mean, what the heck, O-Dog?
Steve: He also picked 10th-seeded Maryland to beat No. 7 California in the West Regional. What’s he got against the Golden State? Where is the love? Mostly, he played it safe, picking three No. 1 seeds (Louisville, North Carolina and Pittsburgh) for the Final Four. For the fourth spot, he picked second-seeded Memphis over Connecticut. (Go Tigers!) The president predicted North Carolina would end up the champions, which is what most of the sports pundits are saying. If he really wanted to be bold, he would’ve picked Virginia Commonwealth to take it all. Har.
Phil: Yeah, the Prez (I can call him that, he’s cool with it) seriously dissed the Pac-10. He said the conference was “weak” this year. OK, O-Man, 60% of the Pac-10 made it to the Big Dance as opposed to 40% of the ACC. So there! Oh, by the way, try winning re-election without our electoral votes, pal. VCU starting to look a little “weak” now? I thought so. Although, I don’t know how much of an upset it would be if Maryland beat Cal (which they won’t). Maryland is a pretty good 10-seed. But the Golden Bears will rain threes all over those poor Terps. (Note: After that last sentence was written, they played the game. Maryland whupped on Cal. OK, so the president is a smart guy. Big whoop.) The Bruins, admittedly, grossly underachieved this year, but don’t go against a team with TWO NBA-bound guards. Guard play in the tourney in crucial. UCLA could make a run.
Steve: Obama has gone all D.C. on us. Virginia on one side, Maryland on the other. He’s stuck in the middle, between a Terp and a hard place.
Phil: While we’re on the subject of basketball, I’ve got a problem with NBA (and NHL) teams whose nicknames don’t end with an “s.” As I write this, your Boston Celtics are playing the Miami Heat. I’m no English major, but I’m pretty sure “heat” is a word used to describe something hot (unless we’re talking about Bristol Palin — sorry, that was a cheap shot). I mean, that’s just wrong. The Heat, sheesh. Same with the Orlando Magic, the San Jose Earthquake (MLS) and the Minnesota Wild (NHL). Naming your team with an adjective is almost as bad as having teal as one of your uniform colors. It’s just not very manly.
Steve: Don’t forget the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Utah Jazz (a double whammy because jazz music is not permitted in the state of Utah). Team names are important, despite the fact that everyone’s picking the Tar Heels to win the NCAA tourney and paying scant attention to the best all-time matchup of team names: The Gonzaga Zags vs. the Akron Zips. Think how many points that would be worth on a Scrabble board! That’s got “quibble” beat all the hell.
Phil: Speaking of Scrabble, I understand they’ve added some words to their official Scrabble dictionary. The abbreviation ‘za (pizza) and “zzz” (sleep) among the most controversial additions. Don’t you play Scrabble as a contact sport? I mean, you’re pretty serious about your Scrabble, aren’t you? What say you about these rule changes? It seems kind of like the Designated Hitter in baseball (only not quite so insidious), a cheap attempt to artificially inflate scoring.
Steve: I am quite the serious Scrabble player, but I only play with one other person. My pal Frank, who lives up in Seattle now, and I have regularly played for the Championship of the World for the past 20 years or so. I currently hold the title and all the perks that come with it — the big gold belt, the ESPN interviews, the paparazzi, the bevy of bathing beauties who follow me wherever I go. Frank and I immediately embraced the new words because we’re nothing if not modern. We also keep a cheat sheet of unusual two- and three-letter words on the table when we play. This seems to have little effect on the scoring, but does cut WAY down on the arguments and bloodshed.
Phil: You know, people expect a more masculine approach from us. They expect us to be more interested in broad games than board games. We need to change the subject to one guys can relate to. So, unless you can come up with something a little more macho than Scrabble, then I’m going to be forced to rant about unruly ear hair. Nobody wants that, man.
Steve: Then allow me to twist it slightly to talk about a more manly and hygienic subject: Revenge. One reason I battle so fiercely on the Scrabble board is that Frank is one of two people who edit my manuscripts before I send them off to book publishers. He takes much too much delight in spreading red ink all over the margins of my perfectly workman-like writing. Sometimes, when I get a manuscript back from him, it appears that a small animal has been sacrificed on the pages. The only way I can get even for this abuse is to whip him thoroughly at Scrabble. Revenge, my friends, is sweet.
Phil: What’s worse is the unbridled, chortling delight your own family members take in showing up The Old Man. I recently subjected myself to heaps of abuse when I agreed to shoot a round of H-O-R-S-E with my sons (ages 25, 22, and two 16-year-olds). Needless to say, I had to resort to the scientific Latin names for every type of horse on the planet in order to stay in the game. Eventually, I had to break out the names of Kentucky Derby winners with those 11-syllable monikers. It didn’t help. My kids, being despicible little ingrates, lured me into what they claimed was the less physically taxing and therefore more Geezer-Friendly contest of a video football game called Madden ’09 on something called a PS3. Now, I know nothing of these machines except that they pretty much wipe the floor with one of The Old Man’s paychecks. I’ll save you the gory details, but Matt Millen has got nothing on me. I managed to drive my computer-generated football team into oblivion, with a Geek Chorus of guffawing soon-to-be-excised-from-the-will young men rolling on the floor. I figure one day they’ll need somebody to go their bail at 3:00 am and I’m going to answer the phone and they’ll remember “The Game.” They’ll remember, because I’ll remind them. Not that I would hold a grudge or anything.
Steve: It’s a particularly masculine trait to harbor grudges. That’s why sports fans are able to hate, hate, hate teams that stole championships away from their favorites years ago. I’m blessed with a short memory for sports — it all goes in one eye and out the other — but I still harbor revenge fantasies toward grade-school bullies, old girlfriends and others who done me wrong years ago. Probably why I became a mystery writer. I’m killing off — fictionally! — those who deserve it. Don’t cross me, brother, or I’ll get out my pen.
(Note: Yes, we know that the Gonzaga basketball team is officially known as the Bulldogs, but they are often referred to as The Zags on Sports Center, and that’s The Cutting Board’s version of Emily Post. Besides, Zags is worth more Scrabble points.)
