I’ve always been one to jump on the bandwagon of success. I usually get kicked off at the first rest stop, but still, I know a good deal when I see one. Kelly and Doni have a real good thing going with their “Friday Dish” feature. It’s a Big Hit, as they say on The Great White Way. The most grievous shortcoming of “Friday Dish” is that it only appears on Friday (hence the title). But I’m an intrepid entrepreneur and intrepid entrepreneurs don’t let the day of the week throw them. After all, Tuesday could use a little something, don’t you think?
Another endearing aspect of “Doni & Kelly’s Friday Dish” that makes it difficult for a hack like me to emulate is the fact that there are two of them. Being a duo allows them to banter back and forth and gives the feature its “hook.” Again, intrepid entrepreneurs don’t let little things like being a singular entity get in the way of cashing in on a good gimmick. Shoot, I can speak in two voices. I can not only be my own ventriloquist, I can be own dummy, too! Just watch me!
So, the following discourse is me (Phil) having coffee with myself (Philbert) and going on and on about “stuff,” like I do every Tuesday.
Phil: Well, good morning. I have a question for you. Do you pronounce the second day of the week, “Twoos-day” or “Toos-day”?
Philbert: I dunno.
Phil: Ha! You pronounce the second day of the week, “MON-day”! What a nimrod.
Philbert: Good one. Boy, you got me with that joke. Never saw it coming.
Phil: Hey, you’re spilling coffee all over the place!
Philbert: Uh, yeah, sorry.
P: That’s my best shirt!
PB: Really? This thing? Jeez, I wouldn’t wear this to a rock fight.
P: Don’t worry about it, you’d never even get invited.
PB: What’s that supposed to mean?
P: Let me slow it down for you, it means you’re a social onion and you’re not on anyone’s guest list.
PB: That’s OK, I have a party right here.
P: You call this a party?
PB: Well, obviously I need to trim my guest list to include only pleasant people.
P: Good luck with that.
PB: You’re still upset about the “Clown Birthday Party” cartoon, aren’t you?
P: You didn’t see the e-mails.
PB: Look, it was funny. People laughed.
P: You wouldn’t know funny if it fell off its bicycle, landed at your feet wearing a bowler and spats, and did the Macarena.
PB: Come on… think about it. It wouldn’t be entertaining for a clown to watch another clown do his schtick for his birthday party, would it? Now, if you turn the situation around and have a “normal” person, like an insurance salesman, having difficulty making balloon animals as the headliner at Chuckles’ birthday bash – that would be funny!
P: You’re deficient in almost every way, aren’t you?
PB: Well, not every way.
P: Never mind. We’re supposed to be talking about issues of the day. Things our readers are interested in.
PB: Our readers? Our readers are just staring at the linoleum, waiting for the morning “Meds Cart.”
P: No, they have computers and they’re reading this right now.
PB: Actually, I think we lost them with the whole “party” thing.
P: No, really. They’re at their computer as we speak, hanging on every word.
PB: Why?
P: Probably because Redding.com got unplugged again.
PB: So, people are reading this?
P: A few.
PB: Should we try harder? You know, to be entertaining?
P: Why start now? It’ll only confuse them.
PB: I feel bad. We’ve caused them to scroll down all this way in hopes of getting to the punch line.
P: You’re right. They deserve something. Advice, or at least a nice link to something more worthwhile.
PB: How about this for a philosophical tidbit by which to live: “One must always flush out one’s house. Unless one expects to be housing flushes.”
P: Maybe we should go with the link.
PB: Maybe they should just wait for Friday and Doni and Kelly’s “Dish.”
P: That’s the best idea you’ve had all morning.
PB: See? Scrolling paid off.
Phil and Philbert will probably be back with more inane drivel. We’ve tried to stop them, but it’s that damned First Amendment thing.
