Dear J,
My mother is Jekyll and Hyde. She’s been like this as long as I can remember. When she’s up she’s funny and generous. When she’s down she’s mean and sarcastic.
There’s always a period of silence where I withdraw from her after her blow-ups, but she eventually returns to her happy self and acts as if nothing happened. I’m sick of riding an emotional roller-coaster. If she were a boyfriend I’d dump her. She won’t see a therapist, because all the problems in her life are “somebody else’s” fault. How can I protect myself?
Ah, the toxic parent, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. So sorry, but this requires a paradigm shift.
Even though you are able to withdraw when her behavior is unacceptable, you are still in a reactive mode, based on her moods.
Actually, the solution is to have a life that you love, which may occasionally include your mother. As long as you feel that her attention/presence is something that you need/want in your life (and she is your mother, after all) she has you. You become part of what sounds like an audience for her meltdowns. The more that audience can be reduced, the better the chances for your mother receiving the help that she obviously needs.
Focus on the successful, meaningful aspects of your life, set some achievable goals for yourself and go forward. Establish a workable schedule of “appointments” with your mother, like lunch every third Wednesday. Beyond that, keep to your own schedule. Don’t be drawn into blow-ups, bitch sessions, blame games. In other words, be her grown-up daughter, relate to her better self or not at all.
This will require some support at first from a friend or family member who understands what you are attempting to do. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist about painful areas in the past, and it would help to establish clear boundaries around acceptable interactions. This would be healthy for you and would definitely send a perhaps difficult but promising message to your mother.
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