Dear J:
I’ve always wanted to know: What’s the kindest, yet most-effective way to deal with people who hog conversational balls, hold court, lecture, repeat stories (mainly about themselves and/or people unknown to everyone else)? They’ll recite entire passages from TV, books and movies. They don’t seem interested in anyone else’s lives, or anything else anyone else has to say. Nobody gets a word in edgewise. Aside from gritting my teeth and pretending to listen (again!), what can I do next time so I don’t feel victimized by the monopolizers of the world? Signed, Fed up
Victim is the operant word here. The monopolizer is driven to verbalize, it’s a defense against anxiety, let’s leave it at that. You, on the other hand have a unique opportunity to practice assertiveness and not be a victim, held hostage by another’s angst. Here is the perfect time to develop witty repartee. The person monopolizing is not focused on you, they are lost in their own verbal labyrinth, so you can say most anything and get away with it. How about, “It’s been great listening to you, but I promised myself that I’d be really shallow tonight and do some shameless networking.”
Insert a pressing need, be creative, but don’t wait for a break in the conversation because, like an opera singer or an experienced waiter, the monopolizer will never take a breath or catch your eye. Just jump in with; “Excuse me, I left a cigar burning on the window ledge.” or, “The cheese plate beckons…” If, however, in a moment of self-reflection, a monopolist ever expresses feelings of loneliness or isolation you may insert the quote, which I believe has Zen origins: “He who talks does not know, he who knows does not talk.”
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