Editor’s Note: Mr. Jinks, The Typewriting Chimp, was scheduled to work today at the FFT Offices. The following is the bare minimum required under the terms of his agreement with Food for Thought: A News Cafe.
Well, Merry $%*&ing! Christmas. Yeah, it’s me, Mr. Jinks. Who else around here would draw the Christmas Day shift? Doni? Yeah, right. Not when there’s gingerbread men to bake and doilies to knit.
Kelly? Oh, nooooo…she’s off cavorting on some luxurious beach with the Cabaña Boy (as he’s affectionately known around the office) and can’t be bothered with a silly old website. Well, la-dee-freakin’-da.
You think Jim Dyar is working today? He doesn’t work on Thursday. Any Thursday. Or Wednesday either if you want to get technical.
What about the cartooning doofus, you ask? I asked too. I was told he’s “indisposed”. Indisposed? Has he ever been “posed”? What’s this “indisposed” stuff? I guess “indisposed” means you’re holed up in the Men’s Room with a bottle of Mad Dog and a copy of Hustler. Yeah, I’m “indisposed” too, but do you see me taking the day off? No, somebody has to hold down the tree fort and who better than the office monkey?
I was taking solace in the fact that at least I’d be pulling down some serious double-time. Yeah, baby! Daddy needs some new suspenders! Then I read the fine print on my contract. Apparently Christmas is not a “holiday” for simians. I guess my union, ChimpstersLocal #349, gave up Christmas in exchange for Charlton Heston’s birthday. Personally, I think it’s a little payback for the whole “evolution” thing. How long must I apologize for my superior climbing skills and good looks? I guess until at least until after New Year’s.
Well, I’m counting about 200-300 words and that’s all you’re getting today. I still have some filing to do. Not to mention mopping up in the Men’s Room. You ever seen the mess a cartoonist can make with a twist-off bottle and a Hustler? Believe me, no human could take the sight. Not even Chuck Heston…and his birthday is a holiday too.
Merry $#&ing! Christmas.
