I suddenly feel valuable. It happened today after I read a Record Searchlight article about how Wal-Mart’s expansion of its Dana Drive store in Redding has supersized the city’s permit valuation.
I was concerned about Redding’s permit valuation. You see, Anderson is rolling in dough because its Wal-Mart Supercenter has sent tax receipts soaring.
People in Anderson are healthier and happier — they’re living the good life — because they have a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Studies have shown that Anderson residents have more hope for the future than people in Redding. That’s a direct result of having a Supercenter.
But Redding’s getting one. And make no mistake, it’s going to be mondo, frickin’ huge.
Right now the Wal-Mart in Redding is about the size of a postage stamp. No one knows how people even fit in there. But after expansion, the new Redding Wal-Mart will be over 220,500 square feet, nearly 20 percent larger than the average-sized Supercenter.
I can’t tell you how that warms my heart. You see, Wal-Mart really is saving the world. Cleansing music CDs of profanity and not carrying the Jon Stewart Daily Show book are just two tiny examples.
Oh, sure, you’re going to hear critics clamor on about how the largest corporation in the world undercuts local businesses and drives mom and pop stores out of business. They talk about how Wal-Mart imports its products from Third World shops where under-aged workers are paid pennies on the dollar. They say that there’s something wrong with Wal-Mart purchasing more products from China than entire countries like Russia or Canada. Why? I’ll ask it again, why?
These critics drone on about the low wages for Wal-Mart employees and how the majority of the store’s profits actually get funneled out of the communities.
But you and I both know this is bull. The average Wal-Mart employee makes $10 an hour, which everyone knows is plenty to afford the mortgage on a $240,000 home, about the average Redding home price.
These people who criticize Wal-Mart are just liberals with an agenda. It’s liberals and, like Rush Limbaugh and I like to call ’em, the “drive-by press.”
Here’s the deal. Mom and pop need to learn how to compete. If they can’t sell for as low as Wal-Mart, they need to set up their own pipelines to Bangladesh. This is the free market.
On another level, I want to talk about the products at Wal-Mart, and just how awesome it feels to be in a Wal-Mart store. Awhile back I bought one of those canvas-style folding chairs at Wal-Mart for $9. Nine bucks! True, I broke it about the third time I sat in it, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I sat down too hard. I’m gonna call it user error.
I also purchased this super awesome Thermos-type container for $6 at Wal-Mart. Well, the top pouring mechanism broke about a day into owning it and I poured hot water all over my pants, but I still use it. All I have to do is screw the whole top off each time. It’s no problem. Six bucks!
I know some people compare being inside a Wal-Mart to that movie “Logan’s Run,” where people lived in this huge bubble city and had to be killed at a certain age to avoid overpopulation. But, frankly, I think it’s a pretty damn soulful experience to be in a Wal -Mart. I kind of have A.D.D., so a lot of video and audio stimulation really helps me (not to mention screaming kids wailing away from shopping carts).
I remember one time I was in a Wal-Mart supercenter somewhere in the central part of California — or was it Oklahoma? Maybe it was Texas — doesn’t matter. Anyways, I was in Wal-Mart and I had my cart and I was walking around and… Well, I sort of forgot where I was going with that one. Hey, you ever seen that movie with the guy from, um, I think he was in one of the “Saw” movies? Anyway. What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah, Wal-Mart. And they do great things for the environment, too. I read that in the San Francisco Chronicle of all places. It was in an advertisement in the Chronicle. It was a pretty big ad, too.
Anyway, you all have a great weekend. Enjoy the nice weather and “Always the Lowest Prices.” Remember, there’s hope: In 2010 Redding will have a Wal-Mart Supercenter.
It’ll be super.
It’ll be so … fucking … incredibly … super.
