The following is a transcription of a telephone conversation that may or may not have occurred between myself and Website Mistress Doni Greenberg.
(Phone rings…)
Philbert: Hello?
Doni: Hello? Phil? This is Doni Greenberg.
P: Oh. Hi, Doni.
D: Phil, tomorrow is Monday and you promised a column for our new website. How’s it coming?
P: Uh… column? Tomorrow?
D: Yes, Phil, you promised a column for Monday. You said it would be funny, too.
P: I said, “funny”? I promised funny?
D: (Audible sigh)
P: Uh, well… it’s, uh… well…
D: (Muffled, as if hand is over phone) Bruce! You were right. The guy’s a total fraud! He’s got nothin’.
P: Uh, Doni… how about 250 words on… uh, how to get free porn on your dish?
D: Phil, you know we don’t do that kind of thing on Food for Thought. We, unlike you, have standards.
P: Now, hold on a second… I have standards! They’re not very high, but they’re standards.
D: Phil, I’m starting to think you’re completely full of crepe.
(Note: Doni doesn’t say bad words. She inserts a cooking term or a kind of food in the place you would normally expect an obscenity. For the record, even I don’t think fudge should EVER be used like that.)
P: Doni, listen, I need this job. I swear I’ll get something to you today.
D: Will it be funny?
P: Uh, I promise you that I’ll think it’s funny. Everybody else is on their own.
D: You’re not a writer, are you, Phil? And a humor column just isn’t in you, is it?
P: Well… uh… by the way, Doni, fraud is a pretty strong word. Applicable perhaps, but strong. Give me a second to come up with something.
D: My egg timer is ticking.
P: Jeez, the pressure… hold on… (audible sobs)
D: Phil, you said you could supply a regular humor column. You promised it would be something our audience would enjoy. You said it would be funny, but you’re a lying piece of chiffon pie, aren’t you?
P: Doni! Do you kiss your children with that mouth?
D: Look, I’m losing patience. I know people, Phil. I know people who will come to your house and kick your casserole. Do you want that, Phil? Do you want me to send someone to your house in order to have your casserole kicked?
P: Just not in the beans, OK? Not in the beans.
D: Last chance, Phil. Are you feeling funny yet?
P: Uh, yes, Doni, I feel funny all right.
D: Can I expect that column within the hour?
P: You bet your asparagus, Doni! I’ll have something to you right away. Just let me rewind the tape and….
