As You Desire: She Said, He Said – What We Wish the Other Knew!

The ongoing battle of the sexes. What keeps us at arm’s length or living with frustration? Is it communication styles? Opposing needs? Physical differences?

I recently asked a group of men and women on Facebook to answer some important questions. More than 200 responses came back, approximately 70 percent from women and 30 percent from men. I was impressed by those who were willing to open up with such raw honesty about their fears, turn offs, turn ons and what they wish for more of. Enjoy this peek into the minds and hearts of men and women. If you have something else to add, I welcome your comments or email them to me for a follow up column.

What women said they wished men knew: 

I am afraid of …
10 Being more committed than my partner
 9 Catching an STD
 8 Not being able to ask for what I want and need without being criticized
 7 Not achieving orgasm
 6 Not being loved in return
 5 Losing my attractiveness
 4 Being hurt (emotionally or physically)
 3 Not being enough to all who need me
 2 Being lied to or cheated on
 1 Being abandoned

I am turned off by …
10 A lack of interest in me for more than sex
 9 Sexual innuendos in conversations
 8 Lack of grooming (particularly pubic hair)
 7 Arrogance and emotionally selfish men
 6 Excessive drinking or drug use (smoking included in this)
 5 Speedy, selfish sex
 4 Lack of initiative
 3 Poor communication skills
 2 Poor hygiene (unclean body odor and bad breath were the biggies)
 1 Dishonesty

I am turned on by …
10 A dirty mind and freaky sex
 9 A hot, hard body with a kind, soft heart
 8 Men in uniform
 7 A good provider and protector
 6 A good sense of humor
 5 A man who cares about and takes care of his health and fitness
 4 Confidence
 3 A man who treats his woman and children well
 2 Honesty
 1 Good communication: mental stimulation and meaningful conversation

I want more …
10 Dancing and romancing like when we first met
 9 Of a sense of leadership
 8 Verbal expressions of love and appreciation
 7 Listening to and supporting me without telling me what to do
 6 Flowers just because
 5 Participation with household chores without being asked
 4 Emotional maturity
 3 Fun, creative foreplay and adventurous sex (full throttle sex)
 2 More affectionate touch without necessarily expecting sex
 1 Undivided attention, i.e. Dates, pillow talk, grabbing a coffee, sexting, etc.

What men said they wished women knew:

I am afraid of …
10 Having the locks changed (again)
 9 Choosing the wrong woman and wishing I could have another or getting bored
 8 Losing my freedom
 7 Being cheated on
 6 Premature ejaculation
 5 Not getting enough sex and being tempted to cheat
 4 Not being able to perform sexually or please you
 3 Not being able to provide well enough for family
 2 Rejection
 1 Failure

I am turned off by …
10 Having my butt grabbed or slapped hard during sex
 9 Too much makeup and fakeness
 8 Yelling and overly aggressive women
 7 Crass, loud women
 6 Naggy, bossy, complaining women who bash men
 5 Comparisons to your ex
 4 Too many sex rules (the long list of don’ts)
 3 Lack of sexual adventure
 2 Insecure, needy women
 1 Poor hygiene (no oral sex for women who smell bad was the No. 1 comment)

I are turned on by …
10 Suggestive smiles and eye contact
 9 Sexy clothing
 8 A fit, healthy body
 7 Beautiful smile
 6 Strong, intelligent women
 5 A great personality, someone interesting to talk to
 4 A woman who knows what pleases her sexually
 3 Calm and confident women
 2 A sexy smelling woman … subtle perfume or just clean
 1 Creative, adventurous (and sometimes freaky), frequent sex that she occasionally initiates

I want more …
10 Appreciation
 9 Treating me like and allowing me be the man
 8 Openness
 7 Honesty
 6 Encouragement
 5 Patience
 4 Understanding of the male species and not criticism
 3 To earn more money
 2 More spontaneous random acts of sex and willingness to broaden sexual pleasures
 1 Good, enthusiastic oral sex

The one thing that was glaring to me throughout this was the absence of superficiality… Women tend to believe that men are attracted to large enhanced breasts, a thin body, perfect skin; and women only want someone who looks a certain way or is rich with a glamorous job, etc. All of the actual responses here related to feelings of wanting and needing to feel LOVED.

To understand this concept better, I refer you to the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. The five he has described are: verbal affirmations, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. You can take Dr. Chapman’s online test to find out your primary love language. I’d also be grateful if you would email me your answers to these questions. Pay close attention to which areas you speak of most. This will clue you into your love language and how when someone shows you love in your own language you are on cloud nine!

Intimately Yours,


“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” Author Unknown

Nancy Sutton Pierce RN, Health Educator is the Founding director of Nancy Sutton’s House of Yoga and Radio Talk Show Host on The Conscious Living Show LIVE every Saturday 11a-12noon on KCNR 1460am You can reach Nancy at with your comment or questions.

As You Desire is proudly sponsored by Body Logic MD; helping both men and women restore their libido and vitality through hormone therapy, fitness and nutrition counseling.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment. Views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce
Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce’s eclectic background places her expertise in a league of its own. The compilation of her career as an RN, health educator, intimacy author, radio talk show host, and yoga therapist all fuel her passion as an International speaker and clinical sexologist. Earning her Doctorate degree in human sexuality has broadened her reach around the globe teaching Conscious Living Sexuality™. When not traveling the globe inspiring others, Dr. Nancy enjoys her home life with the love of her life for more than 30 years. They’ve raised three children and now bask in what she refers to as “the dessert of parenting” -- being grandparents. Website. Contact Dr. Nancy
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8 Responses

  1. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Nancy, my wife,Nancy, and I have been married 41 years and the greatest affirmation of our commitment has been holding hands, hugs and the simple act of saying I love you often.

    Sure, there have ups and downs in all these years but, never enough to cause separation or divorce.

    One of the greatest distractions in all romances, in both men and women, has been a desire to break that commentment and look for something better. Another words, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

    I have several male and female friends who think nothing of looking for love some where else. Sadly, almost all end a relationship.

    Till death do us part is a vow many don't take seriously enough.

    • Hi Budd,

      What you and your wife have is what I believe we are all seeking. A love that lasts. Your letters offer great inspiration to all of us knowing it is possible to keep that fire burning after 40+ years!

      I believe it often comes down to this… instead of asking if our partner is the right one, we need to be asking "are we"? Being the best partner I can be is my responsibility and truly the only thing I can control… I can't make my partner be anything different from what they are. If more people realized that the world would be a happier place!

      Thank you for reading and writing in Budd. I look forward to hearing from you.

      You are an example!


  2. Avatar Gamerjohn says:

    I don't think my responses match too many of the lists. The tuen ons are kind of universal. The fears and stuff don't match. Maybe 15 years ago.

  3. Avatar Kisha says:

    Interesting article Nancy. Some of the list was suprising to me, some of the responses were just as I would have expected. Guess it boils down to communication of what our partner longs for and then loving them enough to make sure we provide them with it so they feel secure. Security in all aspects seems to be the"key"…

  4. Avatar Joanne Lobeski-Snyde says:

    Excellent article Nancy. I like your data collection method for this research project, and the results were very informative. It's hard to know what people are really thinking unless you ask.

    I wonder if the idea of "Mr. Right" or "the right one" interferes with a person's desire to work on a good (flaws and all) relationship that "is" instead of longing for an imaginary relationship with someone else. I've heard the "She wasn't the RIGHT one" or he didn't marry the "right one" used as an excuse for why he left his wife and kids to run off with another woman. The world needs more men like Bud is what I really mean to say.

    • Dear Joanne,

      Thank you for reading and your wonderful comments.

      Yes I believe our own relationship concepts greatly influence how we deal with the actual relationship we are in. Many of us are unaware that we are trying to emulate the relationship of our parents or some other influential couple. We spend years trying to force our partner into "behaving" like we want rather than embracing them and creating a "designer" relationship that fits.

      There are a lot of theories about having to work out our childhood issues with our adult partner so we need to pick someone mature enough and kind enough to actually heal those early childhood wounds. That takes me back to the column I wrote on making sure your picker is working.

      Thanks again for your support! And YES, the world could use a few more devoted men and women to their relationships… it does take TWO.

      Stay sexy!


  5. Avatar Must be anonymous says:

    Maybe the saying should be "Sex isn't important unless you aren't getting enough satisfying sex."

    My spouse is willing to perform "Obligatory Sex" a few times a week. My spouse is willing to do it the same way that we have done it since we married almost eleven years ago.

    I have tried to start a conversation to improve the quality for both of us. My attempts have not been successful.

    I am going to ask my spouse to read this compilation of responses and share her feelings with me. Maybe we can use this as a tool to talk about this in a less threatening manner.