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10 Responses

  1. Avatar Chris Bennor says:

    Person 1: Knock, knock.

    Person 2: Who's there?

    Person 1: Impatient cow.

    Person 2: Impa

    Person 1 (interrupting): MOO!

    What can I say? I have kids.

  2. Avatar Erin Friedman says:

    My kids think I am SO lame – but it cracks me up every time.

    How many ears does Davy Crockett have?

    Three: his right ear, his left ear and his Wild Front Ear.

  3. Avatar John P. Schafer says:

    There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who know how to count, and those who don't.

  4. For some reason, both of my favorite jokes are off-color. (Hide the children's eyes.)

    Q: What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

    A: a dictator.

    Q: Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

    A: Because she was f … ing Goofy.

  5. Avatar Ann Webber says:

    Also off-color!

    Q: How can you tell the difference between a Nymphomaniac, a Prostitute and a Wife?

    A: The Nymphomaniac says, "I hope this never ends!"
    The Prostitute says, "When will this be over?"
    The Wife says, "Beige, I think I will paint the ceiling beige."

  6. Barbara Rice Barbara Rice says:

    A cat dies and goes to heaven. God says to the cat, "You've been a good cat. You may have anything you want." The cat says, "All my life I had to sleep on the floor. I would like a big fluffy pillow." Poof! The cat is given a beautiful satin pillow to sleep on.

    A few days later six mice die and go to heaven. God says to the mice, "You've been good mice. You may have anything you want." The mice say, "We're tired of being chased around by crazy women with brooms. We want roller skates so we can get away." Poof! Each mouse is given two pairs of roller skates.

    A few days after that God stops by to see how the cat is doing. "Oh, I just love it here," the cat says. "Everyone is so nice to me. I love my big fluffy pillow. And those Meals on Wheels are so delicious!"

  7. Avatar Paula says:

    Here's mine:

    Last night, my husband and I were watching TV, when an ad came on about making a "advance directive" about your future. You know, those things that put into legal writing what you want to be done if you are ever in a bad accident or a coma or something and can't talk to your doctor yourself.

    I said to my husband "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some complex machine, receiving my medication and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, honey, I want you to just pull the plug."

    He got up, unplugged my computer, and then threw out my wine!

    Paula

    This hits close to home, as I spend waaaaaaay too much time on my Internets LOL!

  8. Avatar Matt Grigsby says:

    My new favorite:

    Person 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?

    Person 2: Arrrrr!

    Person 1: You think it's the "R" but really it's the "C!"

    (The sea! Get it?)

  9. Avatar lee riggs says:

    A city boy is out driving in the country when he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

    He thinks,"Wow I never saw anything like that!" A llittle further down the road he sees a farmer leaning on a fence. He stops and asks the farmer "Say do you know anything about that pig with the wooden leg?." The farmer says"Sure thats Homer he is just like one of the family. When our house was on fire he came in and warned us. He saved the whole family, and when my my daughter fell in the swiming pool Homer jumped in and saved her life." The city boy says " Ok but why does he have a wooden leg?" The farmer replies " You don't thing we would eat a pig that good all at once do you?"