My ‘Facebook’ Interview

I have a Facebookâ„¢ page.

I love Facebookâ„¢.

Mainly, I love it because, unlike you nice, well-adjusted people, I need at least the illusion of having friends. Yes, I know they’re only cyber-friends, but I love them just the same.

One thing about the whole Facebook Experienceâ„¢ is that if you choose to, you can end up revealing a great deal about yourself. Potentially, these formerly private facts are out there for the entire world to read. That would include any bill collectors, probation officers or ex-wives who may be Googling you as we speak.

But, in keeping with the whole air of transparency here on A News Cafe, I’ve decided to reprint my Facebook Interviewâ„¢ for your personal edification.

 

Their questions

My answers

 

What size shoes do you wear?

Usually, the correct size…but not always.

 

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?

Yes. Pets.

 

Who do you admire most?

Bullwinkle Moose had the right stuff.

 

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?

A bar code on my forehead.

 

When do you plan on getting married?

When my wife is visiting her sister.

 

Get the number or give the number?

Is this one of those prison games?

 

Romance or Kinky?

Whichever one my donkey is in the mood for.

 

Water or 100% Juice?

Am I putting out a fire or taking a bath? It makes a difference.

 

Would you rather be hot or cold?

What? Like a roast beef sandwich? Jeez, either, as long as I’m not halved.

 

Favorite Place to Eat?

The table.

 

What is your favorite clothing brand?

Tommy B. Llamas

 

If you had to pick one car, which would it be?

The one with the keys in it.

 

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?

I think finding one would be freakier.

 

Your favorite Disney Films?

The ones when he learned to ride a bike. Heck, all of the birthday films were cute.

 

What was your last thought?

This one.

 

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?

A lunch with Juice and some ‘Bama Crackers would be a hoot! We’d have to meet in the Day Room at Juice’s place, I guess.

 

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Judging from this tail, I’m more of a dog person.

 

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

Bleaf.

 

Define yourself in 3 words…

Sorry, I’d need to use numbers too. Like, 2 cool 4 u.

 

Do you eat cold cereal at night?

Yes, best to catch it while it’s sleeping.

 

Do you shower every single day?

In this ward they just hose you down bi-weekly.

 

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?

If he has any, I’d take it. I’m not rude.

 

Where do you want to travel next?

Through time. Or, maybe Albuquerque.

 

What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out

Wet my pants, cry and try to imagine myself being somewhere else. That’s what his last 9 dates did.

 

What is your favorite food?

The kind that moves slowly enough for me to catch it, like rhubarb.

 

Do you read harry potter books?

Just the potter-training ones. Everybody Poops was a classic.

 

What is your favorite place?

The Old Same Place

 

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?

I can already bend spoons.

 

Have you had a beer in the last week?

I don’t think we’ve had the last week yet. Have we? If so, this interview is over.

 

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?

I wash my car with Gatorade and it runs much better.

 

Flip flops or sandals?

One of each.

 

What do you do on Fridays?

Fry. I sit on Saturday.

 

What is your favorite song of all time?

“Tell Your Ma, Tell Your Pa, Our Love’s A-Gonna Grow, Ooh-wah Ooh-wah” by Rockaday Johnny

 

Do you like bananas?

I dated one for three months in college.

 

Well, there you have it. A little insight on what makes me the Philbert I am today. TMI (Too Much Information)? Probably, but I trust you with it.