Write-In Council Candidate Addresses Voters
My fellow Reddingonians, I come before you today to put forth a meandering political treatise that will, hopefully, confuse you enough that on election day you’ll exercise your right to write.
Write-in, that is.
Me.
For city council.
Although you are reading this on a website, I want you to think of this as a speech. As you read, I want you to hear the words in your head as if I were speaking directly to you. Imagine my voice singing harmony with those other tiny cerebral voices rattling around the ol’ melon and listen to my message.
To you.
The voter.
Recently, I was talking with my campoon manager, Harry Ames, Jr., and he was trying to tell me stuff. Stuff I didn’t want to believe. Stuff like you shouldn’t wear brown socks with black shoes. He also said that even though the city council race is a nonpartisan affair I should remember that 70% of Shasta County voters know which side of the bread you butter and you better butter the”right” side. He said folks around here can smell an America Hater a mile away. He said that our hometown is situated in a “Red” county stuck in a “Blue” state.
I had to disagree with Mr. Ames most vehemently. One need only look at a Rand McNally topographical map to see that we are not in the middle of a Blue State, we’re more toward the top. Sort of the middle top. And folks, that’s where I stand.
With you.
On the middle top.
Of California.
Reddingites, I’m tired of people telling me they know what’s best for our community. They don’t really know. They all think they’re smart but they’re not. If they were so smart they wouldn’t be running for council in this Podunk burgh. Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone say anything nice about the city council? You don’t see articles praising the wisdom of our civic leaders here on Food For Thought: A News Café do you? Heck no! All anybody ever says about city councilpeople is what a waste of taxpayer’s money they all are or that they’re all in the pocket of special interest groups. To hear people talk, you’d think the city council were the dumbest people this side of a Bella Vista trailer. Why would you want to try to be elected to a job where all you ever hear is what a tool you are? I’ll tell you why. The Big Comfy Chairs.
Folks, that’s why you should vote for me. I’ll tell you straight up that I don’t give a rat’s blue patootie about anything but that Big Comfy Chair. When I say I want to win a seat on the city council, that’s all I want. A seat. A big, over-stuffed, swiveling, Super Bowl ready, comfy seat. The fact that it’s on the council is just a minor issue.
And speaking of issues, I have plenty of them. I’m not going to go into them here with you, but rest assured I have them. One thing I won’t do is claim I know anything more than you do. That’s the beauty of my candidacy, I’m just as dumb as the average voter. Dumber, even. In fact, sing along with me:
Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much about biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know I’m as dumb as you
And I do know that I’m lazy too
How wonderful if you’d vote for me
Still not convinced? Well, Harry Ames, Jr. said you were a hard-boiled bunch, but I stuck up for you and said you were all good eggs. Besides, I believe my more-toward-the-middle-top brand of politics is just what you’ve been waiting to hear.
Having a campaign jingle doesn’t hurt either.
Philbert D. Cartoonist is running a doomed campaign as a write-in candidate for Redding’s city council. You may reach the candidate at philf.anewscafe@gmail.com
