The Candidate Sets Forth His Agenda
People have been asking me if I’m a “real” candidate for City Council. That question is at the crux of what the Imaginary Peoples Party stands for. The IPP also stands for getting things off the top shelf unless the shelf is low enough to be reached while sitting. As far as I know there’s no height requirement for shelves, or council members. If there were, Murray and I would be on the short end. But, thankfully, Redding isn’t Disneyland and you don’t have to be taller than Goofy’s glove to participate in local elections (or as we like to call it, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride).
You see, I once received a letter from a reader who noted that judging by my cartoons I must not be a “Real American.” Being the trusting sort that I am, I took the reader at his word. This set me to pondering, “If I’m not a Real American, what am I?” Well, it stands to reason that if I’m not “real” I must be an “Imaginary American.” I took it upon myself to speak for Imaginary Americans everywhere (or at least in my neighborhood) and thus was born the Imaginary Peoples Party and my faux-candidacy. We may not be real, but we’re Americans too.
But declaring my candidacy for a seat on the council left me in a quandary. If I’m taking a stand, what do I need with a seat? Even a council seat? It was then I decided not to take a stand, but to take a seat. One of those big, plush, comfy seats our esteemed and pressed leaders get to sit in while they do important stuff to Redding. So, “Take A Stand & Take A Seat!” became my campaign slogan. All I needed now was a campaign. It apparently has to be a “write-in” campaign because I hear you needed to file papers to be on the ballot. I believe that only Pomeranians need papers and I’m not from Pomerania. I’m from Redding and we don’t read papers anymore, we read Food for Thought: A News Café (OK, that was a cheap shot, but this is politics, dadburnit).
To run a successful write-in campaign you need to supply the voters with writing implements. Knowing my constituency, I decided these implements should be crayons. I don’t want anyone to get hurt with any sharp, pointy objects. I care about you, the voter. So, I’ll be at MarketFest this Thursday handing out crayons. Only we’re not calling them crayons. Because what they really are are Waxy Weapons of Democracy — in a veritable rainbow of colors. I’ll have pieces of paper and plenty of WWODs to pass out among you, the Imaginary Americans of Redding. It may be pretty hot, so I hope the WWODs don’t melt… that would be a real setback for the campaign. And messy too.
Another thing I thought the campaign needed was endorsements. So, I went and got some. Not endorsements from any “Good Ol’ Boys” or pillars of Redding society, no, I went after other Un-Real Americans. Here’s what my endorsers had to say…
“Imagine an imaginary person like Philbert on Redding’s city council. Yes we can.” –Dan “Bizarro” Piraro
“Local Natural Surrealists agree, aid the Imaginary Peoples Party! You have my support! Viva Redding!” –George LeRoy Tirebiter (Mr. & Mrs. Ossman)
“Fine with me.” –Peter “Mayor P’nisnose” Bergman
“Dear Namesake, Phil endorses the rights of all one-celled organisms! So, go to the polls with colds! Every vote counts…unless it’s not counted!” –Phil “Rocky” Proctor
“Phil, Ur city is at the suthern limit of the phine state of Jefferson and so brings it into firmly ur twentyortwentyfirst century. Moodonna supports me, as do most vertebrates. The statehouse is filled with hey.
It is with firm bludgeoning that I or me endorse ur feeble attempt to get elected in the phine city of Redling, where the mysterious bridge to the Other Side bridges ur Sacredmento ribber.
I am not insane, at least not yet.
and sign it ….
George Papoon who is (not) INSANE
(Do not be fooled. Phil Austin has little to do with this and DID NOT INVENT ME!)
Obviously, with support like this my campaign is doomed. But, that’s OK… our voice will be heard as we gurgle our last words going under for the third time.
Still others ask me, “What would you do if you were elected?” Don’t worry, if there’s one thing imaginary candidates have plenty of, it’s imagination. I’ll think of something. But I would do well to start with the Sundial Bridge. Has anyone else noticed it seems to be running about three minutes slow? We can fix that. We just have to move it about 6 inches to the left. I’ve always thought the bridge would be a lot better if it weren’t so close to the river anyway.
Still not convinced? Fine. Go ahead and vote for a “real” candidate and see what that gets you. I’ll tell you what it’ll get you, more of the same, that’s what. All these “qualified” people seem to have mucked things up pretty good; why not go with a decidedly unqualified alternative? You don’t have to accept “their” so-called “reality.” You have the tools to make things a lot weirder… you have a WWOD. Or you will on Thursday.
See you at MarketFest. I’ll be the imaginary person wandering around with crayons and a dream.
Learn more about the campaign at philbertforcouncil.blogspot.com, which is being manned by local celebrity, Harry Ames, Jr.
