I have a story that I want to tell. It is for anyone who will listen but especially for the women in my life. Recently I became part owner of a Shasta Lake business, Curves, an all-women’s health club.
My membership represents all women and runs the gamut of things we all go through. I have heard some great and terrible stories since we took over, and I want these women to know that no matter where they’ve been, or how their bodies have weathered life’s journey thus far, they can move forward and accomplish their goals.
I think so often as women we keep secret the things that tear us apart. We feel alone, not realizing that we are united in the commonality of our problems. So I am going to tell my story because I am no longer ashamed of myself. And because I believe to get where you want to go you have recognize and be accountable about where you have been.
My name is Caitlin Moore, simply “Cait” to most people. I am your average middle-class, middle-child, girl next door.
I am 23 years old. I am bulimic, and have been for more than half my life.
When I was little I did not have crippling self-esteem or a lack of confidence in my body. I used to like the way my round tummy would roll with me in the grass, the way my butt would follow me wherever I went, how my chubby face looked smiling in pictures, dirt streaked across my face. I knew what I wanted, naturally as a girl — to play third base for the Giants. I was confident and happy. But my problem was just beginning.
I have always been comfortable vomiting. In fact I was prone to do it when I got upset. It was my natural reaction to everything. Any emotional high or emotional low and I would become instantly sick wherever I was standing. My mother remembers me famously throwing up on the wall behind her bed when I was 4. For me the transition from this knee-jerk reaction to being bulimic was an easy and natural progression.
I can assign no blame. There was never any one traumatic event, or single sentence anyone uttered to me to cause me to become bulimic. I have never binged and purged because I saw an underfed prepubescent 12-year-old posing in a fashion magazine. I was never abused, nor am I the product of a broken home, as is common with most people who share my disorder. I have a wonderful and incredibly loving and supportive family.
In my case it was simply how I handled my life. I was 11 the first time I remember making myself throw up. I felt so safe doing that that I spent the next decade expelling almost all my food from my body.
I am in recovery now. But this story isn’t over yet. After years of bulimia with a side of yo-yo dieting I topped out this last December at a little under 300 pounds. I am not dieting but I am trying to slowly regain my confidence and comfort; choosing healthy food and making lifestyles changes.
I have lost a little more than 40 pounds so far and I am slowly becoming the kind of woman that I crave becoming. I want to lose weight, but more importantly I want to be healthy for maybe the first time in my life.
I have 86 pounds before my goal weight.
I invite you to join me here at Food for Thought each week to track my progress and hear more of my story.
We all have a past, and it is always startling to see how each of us is affected by the things we remember and the things we wish we did not. But that does not have to decide our future. The future is what we choose it to be.
If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, you can find information online at the National Eating Disorder Association website, nationaleatingdisorders.org, or you can call toll free at 206-382-3587. Office hours are 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. – Pacific time. Or, you can always find Caitlin at Curves, 530-275-6426 or catch her at caitatcurves.blogspot.com.
Caitlin Elizabeth Moore still wants to play third base for the Giants. Until then she is existing happily in canine captivity, working at Curves, selling art and learning to be a grownup.
