Hello, all you FFTers, huddle up around the old blinking monitor and let’s chat for a spell. There. Is everybody comfy? I hope so. Readers of this column need to be in a nice, comfortable, semi-conscious state to fully appreciate the little thought droppings I leave scattered about the ethernet. So, put on your rubber gloves and your tinfoil hat (don’t forget your Internet Pooper Scooper) and let’s trek down the highways and byways here in Cartoonland like intrepid little mendicant hobos.
You know, come to think of it, it’s not every website that allows the cartoon guy to blog on their precious domain. I think Doni and Kelly have been staying up late looking through all the recipes that require Peppermint Schnapps. That’s my theory anyway. You explain why these otherwise credible people would allow such trite (and sometimes really dumb) garbage on Food for Thought: A News Café? They’re pie-eyed by 11 a.m., that’s why.
Toasted Posties and a Morning Gone Kaput
OK, it has probably become apparent by now that I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say in today’s entry. I’m just taking up cyberspace and breathing good air. This condition has afflicted me for some time now and the fact it hasn’t stopped me from blogging is your tough luck. I blather on and on to the point where I don’t even amuse the drooling imbecile who sits at my shoulder and whispers in my ear. He’s been with me for years and all I’ve ever gotten out of our arrangement is a bunch of really bad puns featuring mimes. Mimes aren’t funny. They have never been funny and they will never be funny. It’s taken me awhile to realize this sad fact, but now, I’m enlightened! I used to believe that the more mimes you could squeeze into a cartoon the funnier it would be. A million mimes, a million laughs! But I’ve had an epiphany! Mime eyes have seen the folly of the drawing of the horde.
Philbert’s Mailbag
Another indication that I’m floundering with a blog entry is when I resort to cheap literary devices. These are devices literarians use in order to “wing it” until a real idea comes along. My favorite is when I write imaginary letters to myself and pretend to answer them as if real people wrote them. This device appeals to me on so many levels, it’s scary. Here, like so…
Dear Philbert,
I’m a high school student with half a bottle of gin and high hopes. My question is, do you think chicks dig a guy who is receiving high doses of Thorazine due to a court order? Do you think they’ll go out with a guy that rumor has it was the last person to have seen the neighbor’s dog? I also have a facial fungus that sort of looks creepy and my car was impounded after I drove it onto Mr. Finster. I’m such a social onion, even Trick-or-Treaters won’t ring my doorbell. I’m really, really lonely and I really, really need a date.
Signed,
Wasted Woody
Dear Woody,
It’s tough being a kid who’s monitored closely by the Public Department of Mental Health, trust me, I know. But, the good news is that half a bottle of gin is all you need for a happy and compliant date. And don’t worry about the Trick-or-Treaters, that’s just more candy for you.
Now, the coup de gras of desperate blogging! When I really truly am out of gas, I whip out the ol’ Press Release for my city council campoon:
Meat & Greet (veggie-style also available) the Candidate
Redding has yet to warm up to my write-in campaign for City Council, so I’m taking the campoon on the road! I’ll be at the CD Release Party for Still Married’s “Sacramento River Whispers” at Little Filly’s Pizza Parlor in Palo Cedro, Saturday, September 27th at 7:30 p.m.
Let me ask you, what other candidate for Redding City Council is handing out crayons (Waxy Weapons Of 
Democracy) in Palo Cedro? The answer to that question is a big, fat nada, zilch, nobody nohow. I believe campaigning in Palo Cedro for a seat on Redding’s city council is just the kind of forward thinking you can expect from me.
Keep in mind that as a member of the council, I won’t be in anybody’s back pocket… I need to lose some weight first. I am my own man (my other man having left for a better gig) and as a cartoonist I am the potential council member most prepared to draw his own conclusions.
Well, that’s enough for me to satisfy my weekly contractual obligation, so I’ll be signing off now. Hope all of you have a safe and not insane weekend! Ciao!
