The following is a transcript of an interview that took place late Friday night between Food For Thought: A News Café and Philbert the Cartoonist, who has recently declared himself a write-in candidate for Redding City Council.
FFT is conducting the interview to both inform the voting public of the candidate’s position on the issues as well as to placate this petulant contributor. The transcript is a verbatim account of the interview. All pauses, mutterings and asides have been included.
FFT: So, what spurred you to declare yourself a write-in candidate for Redding City Council?
Philbert: I wouldn’t say I was spurred, that sounds painful. Actually, I just never got around to filing the necessary paperwork to have my name put on the ballot, so a write-in campaign is my only option if I hope to gain a seat on Redding’s highest governing body, or the City Council for that matter.
FFT: If your campaign is successful, what would your first act as a Redding City Councilperson be?
PB: If I am elected, and I think I will be, my first act as a Redding Councilperson would be to move to Anderson.
FFT: You would move to Anderson?
PB: Well, maybe Cottonwood.
FFT: Don’t you think a councilperson should live in the city they represent?
PB: Not if they’re like the ones I’ve seen. Even an armadillo doesn’t defecate in its own nest. If I’m running things in Redding, Anderson starts to look like Boardwalk, or at least Park Place.
FFT: So the premise of your campaign is to make Anderson look better?
PB: No, that’s just a natural by-product. Something has to work out for Anderson. Right now all they’ve got going for them is that they’re not Happy Valley.
FFT: What would you do for the citizens who live in the city you aspire to represent? What would you do for Redding?
PB: First, I wouldn’t show up for any meetings.
FFT: You wouldn’t attend any council meetings?
PB: No. I want to help Redding prosper. My showing up for meetings wouldn’t help anything. Look, think about it. By voting for me and my not showing up for meetings, the electorate has essentially reduced the likelihood of “doing something stupid” for the city by one. Do the math and tell me I’m wrong. If you could reduce the ineptitude of the council by one-fifth, wouldn’t you do it? Makes sense to me.
FFT: I could use a fifth about now.
PB: The lucidity of my proposal boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
FFT: I’m getting a headache.
(Sound of glasses clinking)
PB: Help me put the dishes in the dishwasher and we’ll look for an aspirin.
FFT: So, let me get this straight… if elected, you would not show up for council meetings and you’d move to Anderson?
PB: Pretty good, huh? When was the last time the voters of this city had a deal like that? Shoot, everybody they’ve elected so far has shown up and what has it gotten them? A free hot tub and some blurry Polaroids? All I want is the big comfy chair. I’ll take the chair and leave the people alone. Sounds fair, don’t it?
FFT: In an oddly perverse way, yeah I can see it.
PB: Here’s some more Kool-Aid… and an aspirin.
(Ice clinking in a glass)
FFT: That was a funny-looking aspirin.
PB: Don’t worry about it.
FFT: I still have a headache.
PB: Wait about 20 minutes, a headache will be the least of your problems.
FFT: Let’s talk about some real issues facing the city. How do you feel about an additional sales tax to fund a new police station?
PB: Sales tax? Not necessary. We’ve got a very resourceful Solid Waste Department and access to eBay… we’ll be rollin’ in dough.
FFT: So, you believe selling stolen property to pay for a police station is a good idea?
PB: Kind of poetic in a way, isn’t it?
FFT: OK, what about the Stillwater Business Park?
PB: I’d like to go a bit further and suggest making it a Business Theme Park. You know, with rides and attractions. Big Accountin’ Mountain, the Briefcases Races, maybe a big Water Cooler Slide. Bring the kids and put ’em to work in Thee Olde Sweat Shoppe. They could make their own souvenir hats and stuff. Lots of fun! Corporate Raiders of the Lost Mark-up… it’ll be a blast!
FFT: I’m not feeling so hot.
PB: Oh, just the aspirin kickin’ in. You’ll be fine.
FFT: I’m afraid to ask you about how you would handle a situation like the recent City Hall Sex Scandal.
PB: With both hands (laughing, snorting, guffawing) – with both hands. Seriously though, we have public access TV and we had a real pay-per-view opportunity that we failed to take full advantage of. Could’ve had a Christmas Special, “Dick In The Halls With Baughs & Trollops.” You gotta think like cable TV… there’s a lot stuff out there that folks are willing to pay for. The hot, hot, hot wallpaper for your mobile device was being circulated for free! Is that any way to run a city?
FFT: I knew I’d be sorry I asked. Uh, I’m really starting to feel funny. Maybe I should take another aspirin.
PB: Uh, no. I wouldn’t do that. Just relax. Here, I’ll put on some Grateful Dead… mellow you out. Look, I got a nice Dark Star>Spanish Jam>U.S. Blues from Winterland ’74. You’ll dig it.
(Music starts to play in background)
FFT: Yeah, that’s nice. Uh, where were we? Oh, wow! Garcia was on that night, huh? Now, back to your campaign… besides the big comfy chair, what do you want to accomplish as a member of the council?
PB: It’s pretty much about the chair. Have you seen those things? I don’t think you can buy them. I think SWD “found” them. They’re huge. Mary looks like a little 5-year-old sitting in one. I don’t think her feet even reach the ground! I’m gonna put it right in front of my free Costco plasma screen and watch the Raiders until my eyeballs bleed, and believe me, watching the Raiders play will damage your retinas for sure. But, with my lumpy ass in that heavenly chair even Al Davis won’t scare me. In fact, get me the chair and we can call this whole campaign off.
FFT: I’m beginning to think it would be in the city’s best interest to give you a chair.
PB: A win/win, if you ask me.
FFT: Are those bats coming out of your speakers?
PB: Bats? No. Don’t be silly. Lesh is kickin’ ass though, ain’t he?
(End of Part One)
View the latest news, including endorsements from George L. Tirebiter, Peter Bergman and Phil “Rocky” Proctor at Philbert’s Campoon Hindquarters on Philbertosophy. Read what TalonNews.com had to say about Philbert’s candidacy in their Aug. 15 edition. Also, campaign materials may be purchased here with proceeds benefiting local charities. Contact The Candidate directly at philf.anewscafe@gmail.com
