For Immediate release
To: All media
From: The Office of Cartoonery, The Imaginary People’s Party and FFT:ANC
RE: Announcement of write-in candidacy of Philbert The Cartoonist for Redding City Council
Dear Everyone,
I would like to take this opportunity to announce my imaginary campaign for a seat on Redding’s City Council.
Since I was too lazy to go down to the City Clerk’s office and fill out all the paperwork, it will be necessary for this to be a “write in” campaign. I’m counting on my constituency being capable of utilizing a writing implement and spelling “Philbert”.
This may seriously dampen my chances since most of my supporters are home watching Judge Judy and eating Cheetos and have no plans to go to the mailbox, let alone vote.
I’m undertaking this great challenge because the people have asked me to run. Well, two people asked me to run and it is completely probable they were either a) imaginary or b) impaired by some sort of chemical imbalance.
Still, a mandate is a mandate.
My promise, and the basis of my campaign, is that I am too lazy to attend council meetings (I think re-runs of Baywatch come on at the same time, anyway), thus reducing the risk of “doing something stupid” for the people of Redding by one.
Pretty good, huh? Do the math and tell me it’s not a great idea. I dare you.
If you must know my stand on the issues, here are some “talking points” for you:
* Stillwater Business Park: I love parks and I think it would be nice if there were one where business people could romp. We need to keep these people off the street and a park sounds like a safe place for them to grouse about not making as much money as they think they should.
* Otto Maul: I’m not really into Star Wars, is that Darth Maul’s brother? I’m more of a Trekkie. But, isn’t he a fictional character? If he is, then I’m his man. Most of my constituents are fictional and I promise to represent them as long as it’s convenient and in my best interests. So, I guess I’m Pro-Otto.
* Downtown: I love Downtown. I like it so much I think we should have another one. I propose we build an additional Downtown. Only let’s build it closer to the coast so it doesn’t get so freakin’ hot.
* MarketFest: Again, I love MarketFest. A lot. I think it’s great. In fact, I think it’s super! I propose we start calling it SupermarketFest!
* Sales Tax: A thing of the past! I propose we enlist the Solid Waste Department and eBay to make up the fiscal difference of eliminating a sales tax. Do you know what manhole covers are going for these days? They’re like baseball cards or sissy little figurines. They sell like hot cakes!
* These are just a few of the ideas I’ve got rattling around in the ol’ melon. Once I take my big, comfy seat on the Council (which I plan on taking home and putting in front of the TV) I’ll bet I come up with a lot of nifty ideas. Because, if you don’t get any ideas watchin’ Baywatch, you may want to check your pulse.
Signed,
The Candidate
Here’s what other members of the IPP have to say about The Candidate:
“I’ve known this fellow since our prison days. He’s what’s known in politics as “bullet proof”. What can an opponent possibly say to damage his reputation? His is a campaign I can endorse wholeheartedly and half-pancreasly. He’s got my vote – in fact, he’s got both my votes.” – Rufus T. Firefly, Mayor of Blogtown
“He’ll certainly make his fellow council members look brighter by comparison.” – Pismo J. Clamm, Retired Fudge-maker
Direct all questions through the IPP offices or contact The Candidate directly through this column or e-mail: philf.anewscafe@gmail.com
